Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery

Breaking news from The Onion:

"NEW YORK--Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez, who will miss the next eight months with an arm injury, showed no loss of morale or confidence as he performed his own rotator-cuff surgery last week. "My original plan was to make a minor incision in the shoulder and conduct an arthroscopy to examine the torn labrum," Martinez told reporters at the Mets training facility while outlining his method on the photos he took during the procedure. "However, the damage was extensive enough to necessitate me detaching my entire deltoid muscle and performing a thorough acromioplasty to remove bone spurs in my shoulder." Martinez said he expected himself to recover well enough to perform surgery on his calf in three to five months and begin throwing off the mound in eight."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53701

But there's some bad news as well:

Experts Predict No NL Team Will Go Deep Into Playoffs

"BRISTOL, CT--Even though the National League somehow managed to send four teams into the 2006 MLB postseason, baseball experts said Monday that it is "unlikely" that any of them will advance past the second round of the playoffs. "The Mets, Dodgers, Padres, and Cardinals have serious pitching issues, almost zero offense, and have played terribly down the stretch," ESPN analyst Buster Olney said. "However, they each luckily drew a first-round opponent that is similarly ill-fitted for postseason play, so we may see one or two emerge from the first round. But as for the World Series--not a chance." Experts went on to predict that it will "probably be another Yankees-Red Sox World Series this year.""

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53700