Oliver Perez Is SO Mature

by Sam Page on Jan 6, 2009 9:32 PM EST

When I checked on the starer market two weeks ago, I saw three distinct tiers of pitchers. Although I didn't explicitly rank them at the time, I will now, since none have signed.

Top Tier

1. Derek Lowe (Risk: Low Skills: Great)

2. Ben Sheets (Risk: Medium Skills: Great).

Middle Tier

3. Kenshin Kawakami (Risk: High Skills: Very Good)

4. Oliver Perez (Risk: Medium Skills: Good)

5. Jon Garland (Risk: Low Skills: Average)

Bottom Tier

6. Pedro Martinez (Risk: Very High Skills: Good)

7. Braden Looper (Risk: Low Skills: Average)

8. Koji Uehara (Risk: Very High Skills: Good)

9. Randy Wolf (Risk: Low Skills: Poor)

10. Tim Redding (Risk: Low Skills: Poor)

Fully recognizing the Mets aren't the most analytical organization out there, I assumed they agreed with this general outline. Their initial offer to Lowe encouraged this thought. They had picked their main target and were going fill in the pieces later. It all made sense. Then I read this blurb (emphasis mine):

Free-agent right-hander Derek Lowe is not the Mets' unanimous No. 1 choice among the remaining free-agent starting pitchers.

Oliver Perez, 27, is left-handed, eight years younger than Lowe and accustomed to pitching in New York. He also got married in mid-December, a sign of his growing maturity.

What? Besides the obvious absurdity of that statement, when has Perez's maturity ever been an issue? You know who else is left-handed, accustomed to pitching in New York, and younger than Derek Lowe? Scott Schoeneweis.

	Yo, Tony, I need a good starter and the market for Derek Lowe has completely collapsed. Make a terrible suggestion.
	Go for Perez. He's left-handed and used to the smell of New York. And if that's not trivial enough, he got married! Baumer told me the probability of walking a batter declines every time you get married...or throw a strike. I'm not sure which; he was hard to hear from inside his cage.
	But Lowe already married twice. GANGSTAAAAAAAA.


	I'm calling Boras now.

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Comments

So it's not just me

I’m glad I’m not the only one who now thinks of all hypothetical baseball scenarios as The Dugout.

I did it like this / I did it like that / I did it with a Wiffle Ball bat

by Doc Manhattan on Jan 6, 2009 9:49 PM EST reply actions

Updated that part

lmao dugout

King of the bling come to lay down the evidence//Not George Bush, L-Millz be da president

by Sam Page on Jan 6, 2009 10:16 PM EST up reply actions

For lack of anything better to say, LMFAO

I read that marriage blurb today and spent 5 minutes angrily pacing in my cubicle. And my cubicle is small. I think it’s the new “Ibanez has the body of a 25 year old”.

by James Kannengieser on Jan 6, 2009 9:58 PM EST reply actions

Nice stuff, Sam.

Of course, I’m one of those immature unmarried types. I think farts are hilarious.

'Oh yes, I know all about that duty-of-a-citizen stuff. It doesn't go. There are exceptions to every rule, and this was one of them. When a man risks his liberty to come and root at a ball-game, you've got to hand it to him. He isn't a crook. He's a fan.'

by Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright on Jan 6, 2009 10:06 PM EST reply actions

Uhh

I’m one of those mature married types and I too think farts are hilarious. Farts, I think, transcend maturity as one of the truly universal comedic vehicles.

by Eric Simon on Jan 6, 2009 10:50 PM EST up reply actions

Good point.

Maybe there is no hope for Ollie’s purported maturity issues.

by Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright on Jan 6, 2009 10:52 PM EST up reply actions

but how does he feel about the humor of farts?

by JoshNY on Jan 6, 2009 10:53 PM EST up reply actions

by James Kannengieser on Jan 6, 2009 11:09 PM EST up reply actions

FARTS = LAUGHS

this is an immutable universal axiom.

you can’t fight it, its science.

by kendynamo on Jan 7, 2009 11:57 AM EST up reply actions

Me too! Immaturity forever!!

Not to drag politics into this, but does that mean that gay people are doomed to be immature forever? What if you get divorced; do you lose your maturity? What about if your spouse dies? It’s not your fault (unless you pulled an O.J.), but shouldn’t you lose maturity? If you get remarried, is it like the Highlander, where you become even more mature than before? If so, how mature is Larry King, or Elizabeth Taylor? Do you absorb your partner’s maturity, or do you steal it from immature single people?

Seriously, this is one of the effing stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Having spent several years helping people get married, I can tell you that marriage and maturity have nothing at all in common.

by BobbyV_Incognito on Jan 6, 2009 11:59 PM EST up reply actions

what does kidnapping people who stole your merchandise

have to do with marriage?

by cjmulrain on Jan 7, 2009 12:01 PM EST up reply actions

Pedro?

Skills…good? Do we really know that? I don’t think we know that. I hope he has a good year this year, no matter who he’s with.

The 2008 NY Mets: Pedro hurt already. Delgado still sucks. Mets still can't beat the Braves. Beltran only plays 6 innings. WTF with Pelfrey?? Mets win 60 in a row. Freakin' Wagner. PLAYOFFS, NO WAY?!

by ZaBlanc on Jan 6, 2009 10:43 PM EST reply actions