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Around SBN: Kentucky Wildcats 66, Alabama Crimson Tide, 55: Postmortem

Grissionometer

"...they won’t be satisfied with a ‘sissy’ game…They will expect and demand a stepped-up, more competitive type of play- rugged and hard, though fair. It is up to baseball to give these men the vigorous exhibitions they are expecting…It can be accomplished by good old-fashioned hustling on every play, and the display of an aggressive, competitive  spirit that is controlled, but not ruthlessly suppressed…"Giles_medium

Star-divide

 

I’ve discovered the sabermetric philosopher’s stone. I’ve discovered the formula to compute grission into a statistic that can be quantifiably expressed and compared vis-à-vis other players. I’ll admit, it involves some fairly complicated mathematics, but once you get used to the formula, computing grission into quantifiable units of measure, henceforth known as ‘Zerons’, becomes second nature:

[(St / LSm) + (M x Fu) / MLT] x FP

Where…

St: The total number of individual dirt/grass stains on the player’s uniform

LSm: Length of their smile in inches

M: Number of statements made to the media on average, per week

Fu: Number of times the F-word is used in a sentence, as an emphatic adjective

MLT: Divided by the length of their Major League tenure in years

FP: Average number of fist pumps into the air after getting an important hit/out

Now, mind you, this is only a basic formula. As the field delves deeper and deeper into this conundrum of quantifying grission, new formulae may become available...

 

Thermometer_medium

0. These players fake injuries so that they doesn’t have to play, and don’t pay attention when they are playing, concentrating on creating new handshakes or dances instead.

1. Doesn’t care about baseball. Money is the ultimate goal for these kinds of players. They may or may not have souls.

2. Doesn’t care about their individual performances and aren’t devastated when they perform poorly.

3. The type of players that try, but just don’t have enough mojo. Wearing oversized helmets and dressing up as cheerleaders probably doesn’t help.

4. These players are prima-donnas who are very hair-conscious, and “pimp-out” their websites and cars.

5. Every player should be, at bare minimum, like these types of players. They often try to be even more grissiony, but don’t exactly accomplish it, leading to semi-comical outtakes.

6. These players have a lot of Zerons. Their bodies physically expand to accommodate the fact.

7. These players are so grissony, they are willing to play through injuries, and the fact that, overall, they really just aren’t great baseball players. They put their bodies on the line all the time, and when injured, refuse trips to the DL, in which replacements who are statistically better in many categories than they are are “forced” to take over their spot.

8. These players are stand-up guys. They’re class acts. They have heart. They’re gamers. They get their uniforms dirty. They’re winning players. They get those kind of hits, makes those kinds of plays

9. These kinds of players bathe in beer, and get pissed off when it’s light beer. They do douchy things on the base paths because they are willing to do anything to make sure their team wins. They are pesky, hypocritical anuses, plain and simple.

10. You know you’ve reached the pinnacle of grission when you psychologically abuse your friends to ensure that you have a higher batting average. These players live hard- they binge drink, they smoke heavily, and womanize. Assaulting disabled hecklers in the stands from time to time puts them over the top of the Grissionometer.

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I've seen stuff before, always funny.

What pushes this over the top is the Grission Thermometer. Nicely done.

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf"
-Tug McGraw

by squid92 on Nov 17, 2009 9:55 AM EST reply actions   0 recs

Very funny but also very realistic

1 problem though. Pitchers are at a natural disadvantage for high Grissions because they never get chances to dive in the field and since they never get on base they can never slide to get stains. Take Billy Wagner for example. He never smiles, uses the F word all the time, and talks to the media even when he doesn’t play. But he can never dive or slide because he is a pitcher so his Grission suffers.

Also, can’t you be passionate about the game without being disrespectful? So what, Carlos Beltran doesn’t curse and he doesn’t make up BS for the media to be the star. He doesn’t do all these stupid fist pumps to show up his opponents. But he always hustles and gets grass stains on his jersey. He plays the game the way it is supposed to be played. And how can Beltran be a 0 or a 1? He doesn’t just care about money. He has a charity with Harlem RBI and he helps out lots of people. He doesn’t fake injuries. He played through his injury for a while but eventually he just couldn’t bare it. I agree that Reyes is way down there but Beltran should not be. I know he kind of ruins the formula which is by the way excellent, great job, but I just had to say that because he is one of my favorite players and I think he is a definite exception.

Gas prices today are a lot like a pitcher's ERA. Anything under 3 is amazing, under 4 is pretty good and anything 5 and up is something you want to avoid.

by Bobby Baseball on Nov 17, 2009 4:57 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

True that

Gas prices today are a lot like a pitcher's ERA. Anything under 3 is amazing, under 4 is pretty good and anything 5 and up is something you want to avoid.

by Bobby Baseball on Nov 17, 2009 7:43 PM EST up reply actions   0 recs

I can't wrap my head around this post

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf"
-Tug McGraw

by squid92 on Nov 17, 2009 7:31 PM EST up reply actions   0 recs

Pitchers make diving plays when possible. Look at Maddux. He probably had ‘soft grission’- he spoke softly, but carried a big stick, which is somehow a metaphor for grission.

And Carlos Beltran is definitely at the bottom of the Grissionometer. He never hustles. When he could dive, instead he simply fields his position so well that he isn’t forced to make do-or-die plays, or look flashy for the sake of it. What’s up with that? And he can’t hit curveballs. You’d think a guy who was grissiony would be able to hit curveballs. And, I mean, it’s not as if that was Sandy Koufax out there on the mound throwing one of his curveballs. Adam Wainwho? Who is that guy? Beltran is always injured. He can’t do anything right. He wanted to be a Yankee, anyway. I heard that he kicks puppies for fun, which, while it may sound grissiony, isn’t cool. His Harlem RBI program is all a front for his mole to launder money into and out of the U.S., which again, may sound grissiony, but isn’t cool. And, he’s such a copycat. Carlos Delgado had the name ‘Carlos’ first, and then Carlos Beltran came around and stole it from him. Again, not cool. And he tried to take the Mets single-season home run record away from HGH Hundley, who was really gritty. That’s like trying to steal a friend’s girlfriend. Not cool, man, not cool…

"Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!"

by Brooklyn Dodgers Mets Fan on Nov 17, 2009 9:40 PM EST up reply actions   0 recs

"it’s not as if that was Sandy Koufax out there on the mound throwing one of his curveballs."

Nope, Sandy started for the Mets. And Carlos let him down.

"[The Giants] beat us down. We were beat by a grown-man team, a team we want to be like one day. They came in here and took it to us. Out-manned us, out-gunned us. ... It wasn't even close." - Raheem Morris, 9/27/09

by cjmulrain on Nov 19, 2009 1:42 AM EST up reply actions   0 recs

Where would you rank....

Michael Vick?
Ozzie Guillen?
Shaq?
Pedro Martinez?
The Braves AA manager who threw the big fit?

Gas prices today are a lot like a pitcher's ERA. Anything under 3 is amazing, under 4 is pretty good and anything 5 and up is something you want to avoid.

by Bobby Baseball on Nov 18, 2009 5:45 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

Yeah, that really is pretty grissiony.

Vick gets a 0, because he abused dogs so fuck him.
Guillen probably would get a 10. He psychologically abuses his players a lot.
Shaq knows Shaq-Fu, but I’d give him a 4, because all of his stupid things stand out more in my mind that the days where he was a dominant force in the NBA.
Pedro gets a 7.5 or so. His score was higher back in the days when he used his midget friend.

"Blinding ignorance does mislead us. O! Wretched mortals, open your eyes!"

by Brooklyn Dodgers Mets Fan on Nov 19, 2009 12:39 AM EST up reply actions   0 recs

Where would you rank....

Michael Vick?
Ozzie Guillen?
Shaq?
Pedro Martinez?
The Braves AA manager who threw the big fit?

Gas prices today are a lot like a pitcher's ERA. Anything under 3 is amazing, under 4 is pretty good and anything 5 and up is something you want to avoid.

by Bobby Baseball on Nov 18, 2009 5:45 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

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