Worst Of The Web: Unpanic Edition

In an effort to discourage bad Mets discussion on the internet (yes, impossible), I'm going to start openly mocking. This one is just a test run. Think of it as the site bot scouring the internet for the next "I love Johjima!".

First up, from the edge department, Marty Noble:

Was it coincidence that the Pirates had replaced the Phillies in the third-base dugout at Citi on Friday night? Or did the Mets play poorly by chance?

Or as we say back home: "Nonsense? Or unrelated statement?" Did Marty Noble watch Space Jam instead of the game that night and get confused? I believe I saw the following exchange happen between Jerry Manuel and Pirates manager, John Russel before the game:

JM: Hey...wait a minute...you're not the Cubs. What are you guys doing in there?

JR: Chillin'

JM: Oh, nevermind. That's cool.  ...aren't you supposed to be playing the Astros this weekend?

JR: Yea, but plane landed here instead. Funny coincidence, I guess.

JM: Ok, well see you guys on the field.

Tim Brown edges the Mets up to 11 in his power rankings:

11. New York Mets (15-13; Previous: 12) – Omar Minaya discovers areas in which he suspects maybe club lacks "edge." One more September collapse and he’ll be absolutely sure of it.

This statement makes just as little sense as the Noble one, but more subtly. I know one more September collapse and Minaya will be unemployed, does that count?

Now we cruise to the Yahoo comments section:

I don't know about you, but I intend to use the phrase "slower than maple syrup" regularly from here on out. It also seems like a memorial food metaphor tag is in order. CC Sabathia and Prince Fielder also seem like funny choices for embarrassments to the game, since they're both a big (no pun intended [sort of])reason why the Mets missed the playoffs last year. It also reminds me of this. P.S. Alomar is ruining this team.

Moving on to Yahoo answers:

Hey Fonz, I loved you in Happy Days, but a lot has changed in advertising standards since the 50's.

Well this question seems fairly rational compared to the usual overreactions. So why did I include it? This was an answer:

Michael's right, only by embracing nothingness, realizing that they are merely people in shirts watching other people in shirts hit things with bats, can we overcome the existential crisis of a slow start.

The answer is yes, based on the logic that Zack Greinke should also be sent to the minors because ESPN doesn't cover the Royals.  Although, I'm pretty sure this guy is a parody based on his username and insult of himself on the Asker's Rating. Imagine if the Mets were the Yankees minor league team; the Mets would never freaking collapse again, they'd win nearly every game.  That, or the Yankees would call them up to create a New York superteam.  Post your New York superteam rosters in the comments, if you wish.  Also note the subtitle on Kody S's username.

Really? That's the best answer out there?

Now onto the SNY twitter employee of the month award, which once again, goes to Julie Alexandria:

And now, to close out, a beautiful best of the web moment from educated rapper, Ted Berg:

Reminds me of this excerpt from Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda:

The team, however, has urged outfielder Lastings Milledge to dress up in a suit, sneak into the Capitol Building, retrieve the ball, and make the necessary repairs on the shattered sandstone walls of the dome before anyone notices.

And kudos on Mr. Berg's username, which references twitter hall-of-famer Shaquille O'Neal, who provides today's moment of zen: