Oliver Perez Rehab Diary

6:00: Alarm goes off.

8:12: Wake up. Pour bowl of Froot Loops. I ask Señor Toucan Sam if I should throw the slider more today. He tells me to "follow my nose." He says that everyday.

8:30: Spongebob is on.

8:42: I wonder why Señor Squarepants is so friendly to Squidward, despite Squidward's outward contempt and repeated attempts to deter Spongebob.

8:57: Guy Conti calls me and asks, "Where in the living hell are you? You're 57 minute late to workouts"

9:12: I arrive late to workouts. I begin to stretch and jog around the warning track. I suppose Señor Squarepants is nice to Squidward out of a sense of neighborly courtesy.

9:50: I start doing strength drills in the outfield. The rookie leaguers keep kicking me as they pass by. I begin to doubt Señor Squarepants acts nice to Squidward because they are neighbors. Modern social conventions in fast-paced American society tend to deemphasize the importance of maintaining relationships with neighbors. I imagine it is a similar situation at the bottom of the sea. Perhaps Spongebob is merely nice to everyone.

10:30: John Maine and I begin to throw. He asks me if I noticed the "kick me" sign the rookie leaguers put on my back.

11:10-12:00: I practice hoping over the foul line. I can't clear it in the first 12 tries. I mean I can, but not with the proper vertical height. Note to self: more leg conditioning.

12:10: Lunch time. I pour a bowl of Trix in the locker room. I ask Señor Rabbit if I should throw the slider more today. He says "Silly Ollie, pitches are for kids." He sounds a lot like that rookie leaguer who kicked me today.

12:11: The rookie league kids are laughing really loudly at the other side of the room. I wish I had heard the joke.

12:30: Señor Conti says that a friend of his is coming to visit and watch our game today. Conti calls his friend the same thing Señor Boras calls me. It must be some American nickname. 

1:10: I meet Señor Conti's friend. I tell him I am a Sandy Koufax too. He seems upset.

2:00: Our game begins. While standing on the mound, I remember that Señor Squarepants is not nice to Plankton, disproving my previous theory. John Maine tells me to get off the mound. My team is batting this half-inning.

2:01: I trip hopping over the line.

2:07: A Rookie Leaguer asks me what the cereal box told me today.

2:09: Go to clubhouse to adjust sideburns in the mirror.

2:11: Apparently my half-inning started 2 minutes ago.

2:12: I cleared the foul line.

2:23: I think Señor Squarepants must have read Putnam's Bowling Alone and is trying to demonstrate the importance of social capital in building neighborhoods. This explanation would account for his decision to accept a likely minimum-wage job as a fry-cook alongside Squidward, despite his considerable talents as an entertainer...When did I load the bases?

2:30: Use 10 straight sliders to get out of bases loaded jam. I point to the sky to thank Toucan Sam.

4:44: Some local and New York media interview me after the game. I tell them what Señor Boras told me to say about my leg feeling much better. I was surprised to learn he was a doctor.

6:00: I pour a bowl Coco Puffs for dinner.

7:12: Check Mets blogs to keep up with team. Post on my favorite one about how June will be gut check time for the team.

8:00: Get text from Jerry: "get ur crazy self back to NY so I can knife reddin"

8:30: Get in Spongebob pajamas and go to bed.

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