Charting The Historic Path Of Our 45th President

4/29/1981: Omir Santos is born in Bayamón, Puerto Rico.

6/22/1992: Omir Santos drafts his master plan on napkin with red crayon.

6/16/2001: The New York Yankees select Santos in the 21st round of the 2001 Major League Baseball Draft.

11/28/2008: The Baltimore Orioles release Omir Santos unconditionally.

1/12/2009: Omar Minaya signs all unemployed baseball players with names phonetically similar to his own.

3/12/2009: Alone in the clubhouse after a spring training game, Omir Santos removes the orthopedic soles from Brian Schneider's spikes.

3/14/2009: Brian Schneider begins to complain of back pain. Mets training staff tells him to "walk it off".

4/17/2009: The Mets place Brian Schneider on the disabled list with a strained back muscle, recall Omir Santos from AAA Buffalo.

4/27/2009: Omir Santos hits his first career homer, a grand slam, off Anibal Sanchez.

5/12/2009: Santos leaves a note in Mike Pelfrey's locker reading "Nice slider...not -Castro"

5/22/2009: Jonathan Papelbon finds a note in his locker reading "The other guys say you're a douche, but I think you're just misunderstood. -Omir"

5/23/2009: Omir Santos hits a ninth-inning go-ahead homer off Jonathan Papelbon, registering a new record WPA for a single play.

5/29/2009: As Ronny Paulino tries to throw Gary Sheffield out at second, Santos screams "WEINER" from the on-deck circle, causing Paulino to air mail the ball into leftfield. Sheffield advances to third, later scoring the walk-off run on a Santos' single.

5/29/2009: Ramon Castro is traded for Lance Broadway. Rumors of certain pitchers' discontent with Castro spread.

6/22/2009: 4-4 on 8 pitches. OBP eclipses .300.

7/20/2009: With Schneider starting against the Nationals, Santos sneaks into the U.S. House of Representatives and paperclips a foreign-born President amendment to the Healthcare reform bill.

8/30/2009: Santos single-handily prevents a third "collapse" going 5-5 with 5 homers on 5 pitches against the Nationals. 

10/1/2009: Omir Santos announces his intention to retire on top with a .757 OPS.

10/5/2009: Santos announces his candidacy as an independent in the November New York City mayoral election. He attempts to unify New York by running two slogans simultaneously: "I'm Omir Santos." and "Once a Yank, always a Yank."

10/6/2009: Incumbent Michael Bloomberg endorses Santos.

11/3/2009: Omir Santos wins the election in a landslide, receiving 91% of all votes.

2/9/2010: Santos spends recklessly on any project put on his desk, making him extremely popular. Political analysts predict a massive budget collapse in a year, but are dismissed as partisan hacks by the overwhelmingly pro-Omir public.

3/1/2010: Mayor Santos announces his intention to step down from his position, shocking New York. He leaves office with the a highest approval rating ever, a record now question by some historians based on his extremely short sample size tenure.

12/29/2011: A desperate Republican party , remembering his landslide victory in New York, puts Santos on their primary ballot.

2/5/2012: Santos-mania hits supertuesday, and he edges out Arnold Schwarzenegger for the Republican nomination.

9/14/2012: Santos selects political-unknown Daniel Murphy in attempt to secure the vote of both the hard working blue-collar Irish-American and the white-collar executives, who mean business.

10/11/2012: In what would later be described as the turning-point of the election, usually shy farm-boy Mike Pelfrey gives a rousing speech at a campaign rally, supporting Santos. His speech centers around a complex metaphor, in which he compares Obama's inflexibility on legislative compromise to Ramon Castro insisting Pelfrey throw his crappy slider, concluding it's fitting Obama is a White Sox fan.

10/30/2012: Nate Silver's computer predicts an Obama victory and a Mets division crown.

11/4/2012: Omir wins.

12/11/2012: Santos buys "Rosetta Stone: English"

1/20/2013: Omir Santos is sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Now you can buy a token of this historical event for only 9 gritty payments of $9.99. Presenting the President Santos, commemorative election plate:

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