"Shrieking and ugly and tedious and soft-headed, not even giving the thin comfort of being hilariously bad." --Tim Brayton

"It's a wad of chaos puked onto the big screen, an arbitrary collection of explosions and machismo posturing." --David Cornelius

"A half hour of entertainment sprinkled sparingly over 2.5 hours." --Robert Roten

"Will insult your intelligence, hurt your eyes, and offend your sense of decency until you worry that your skull might explode while your brain trickles right out of your ears." --Tricia Olszewski

"Quickly collapses into unmitigated big-budget tedium, all dressed up with nowhere to go." --Robert Levin

"Like its predecessor, it remains resolutely critic-proof and more honest about its purpose than most soulless corporate abominations." --Rob Vaux

"Put in your earplugs and grab the aspirin. Enjoyable for the only the easiest to please 10-year-old boys; this deafening, tiresome epic is a skull-splitting hot mess for everyone else." --Diva Velez

Reactions to Friday night's Mets game against the Yankees or a random collection of review blurbs of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen from Rotten Tomatoes? You decide. Tonight's losing formula:

  C.C Sabathia
+ Bear Claws
- Defense
+ Rain Delay
- Relief Pitching
-----------------
!!! THE HORROR !!!

Gary Sheffield's homerun in the fifth was really the only thing the Mets did right tonight. The Mets managed just two other hits and zero other baserunners as C.C. Sabathia (and Brett Tomko, I suppose) combined to dominate the first game of this "Subway" series.

Nothing else to add. If you want the traditional game recap -- i.e. you're a sadist -- click the "Traditional Recap" link after the jump. Tim Redding takes on A.J. Burnett at 7pm on Saturday night.

Swag Contest

Swag contest results can be found here and the next game's swag form already available. You can read more about the swag contest here.

SB Nation Coverage

* Traditional Recap
* Boxscore
* Amazin' Avenue Gamethread
* Pinstripe Alley Gamethread

Win Probability Added

Big winners: Gary Sheffield, +2.2% WPA, Nick Evans, +2.1% WPA
Big losers: Mike Pelfrey, -20.2% WPA, Luis Castillo, -7.1% WPA
Teh aw3s0mest play: Sheffield homerun in fifth, -7.0% WPA
Teh sux0rest play: Damon FC+Err in second, -10.8% WPA
Total pitcher WPA: -21.8% WPA
Total batter WPA: -28.2% WPA
GWRBI!: C.C. Sabathia

Game Thread Roll Call

Nice job by Jadden Hopkins; his effort in the game thread embiggens us all.