Dr. House and the Mets: Joseph (Pilot episode)

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real or fictional persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This author does not, in any way, profit from the story and all creative rights to the characters belong to someone else.

(Massive Heart Attack teardrop)

Dr. Gregory Zaun House on the phone: Yes, thank you.

(People enter the room)

Dr. Omar Foreman: We have a case.

Dr. WFAN Chase: This is boring. There is nothing to diagnose, the guy is just tired. Let's give him a cortisone shot and discharge him.

Dr. Cameron: Who were you talking on the phone?

House: Mom. What's up?

Cameron: Yea, right. The patient is feeling fatigued and has joint pain. He looks hurt. Cuddy told us to take this case.

Chase: See, this is nothing.

House: Then why are you going to be paged in 3, 2, 1 ... 1... 1 ...1 ...

(beep, beep, beep, beep)

House: Foreman, do a full blood work panel and confirm his low level of Vitamin K, and high Complex  B^2. Chase, go to his house and get all sport equipment you can find. Cameron, tell the patient to sign this consent form.

Cameron: This is a baseball card, not a consent form.

Foreman: How ....?

Chase: Why ...?

House: I brought my z-game today. Do you want to stay here Talking Chop or do you want to save the patient?

(some time later)

Foreman: His blood work confirmed what you predicted. Besides, he presented protein ...

House: ... S, Urea, Creatine and Ketamine. Pay attention already!

Chase: This is all I could find. Some bats have japanese letters in them. Our patient is obviously not japanese though.

House: Those are kanji, you idiot.

House: Differential diagnosis?

Foreman: I don't want to do more paperwork.

Chase: Let's break the core ...

House: You're fired.

Cameron: The patient is complaining of low blood pressure. He blames his work for this.

House: Everybody lies. Let's go see the patient.

(patient room)

House: Cameron, lift up your shirt.

Cameron: You want to confirm he can't produce adrenaline, but you don't want to give him meds that might screw the other tests, right?

House: Yea, that explanation works too.

(monitor beeps)

House: He just need elbow surgery.

Cameron: I checked your phone log. Does your mom live in 126th Street and Roosevelt Avenue? You asked for a consult from Dr. Brain Socks PhD DDX RSVP*, didn't you?

Chase: Who is that guy in Spongebob Squarepants pajamas?

House: THAT is our next patient.

*Too busy in the doghouse planning world domination. And curing cancer. And co-writing a paper on string theory with Johan.