Yankee fans have long been criticized throughout baseball for behaving as though a world championship were their birthright, but the Yankee fan based stunned even their harshest critics by throwing metaphor completely aside and declaring the 2010 championship theirs by decree.
Citing an obscure entry in the ancient Sumerian King List compiled over 5,000 years ago, a contingent of Yankee fans led by Mike Francesca insisted that a denial of divinely ordained Yankee championship would result in the forces of Chaos enshrouding the entire Universe.
"Ya' really can't argue with the ancient scripture", claimed Mike Francesca. "Look at what's happened since they quit winning every year. All sorts of craziness all over the place, you got dogs and cats livin' together, and I've even lost significant weight. The order of the Universe is collapsing; I mean, it's there for all to see". He continued to proclaim that the order of the stars and the moon is maintained only at the behest of Derreck Jeter, and that a failure to placate his idol would result in unspeakable calamities for the planet.
The actual Yankees seemed less receptive to the idea than the fan base. "It might hurt the integrity of the game if we simply declared ourselves fiat champions" claimed Lance Berkman. "I mean, we still got a good group of guys and if we get Cliff Lee next year, plus a couple more borderline hall-of-famers to back up key positions, I like our chances for next year".
But Yankee fans were not disposed to hearing such claims and proceeded to encircle a 50-foot golden image of Jeff Francouer. "He left the Mets and went to the Rangers and now the Rangers are in the Series. This can't be a coincidence. It must be the result of a mysterious Power he can access..."
Also inside: Matt Stairs comments on how getting your ass hammered is different when you're on the losing end...