Nick Evans is on first?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

 

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

 

Abbott: I certainly do.

 

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know Nick Evans' playing on the team.

 

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

 

Costello: You mean funny names?

 

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

 

Costello: His brother Daffy.

 

Abbott: Daffy Dean...

 

Costello: And their French cousin.

 

Abbott: French?

 

Costello: Goofè.

 

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Nick Evans' on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

 

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

 

Abbott: I say Nick Evans's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

 

Costello: Are you the manager?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

 

Abbott: Well I should.

 

Costello: Well then Nick Evans' on first?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans.

 

Costello: The guy on first.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans.

 

Costello: The first baseman.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans.

 

Costello: The guy playing...

 

Abbott: Nick Evans is on first!

 

Costello: I'm asking YOU, Nick Evans' on first?

 

Abbott: That's the man's name.

 

Costello: That's Nick Evans' name?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: That's Nick Evans?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

 

Abbott: Certainly.

 

Costello: Nick Evans' playing first?

 

Abbott: That's right.

 

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, Nick Evans gets the money?

 

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

 

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans.

 

Costello: The guy that gets...

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: Nick Evans gets the money...

 

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

 

Costello: Nick Evans' wife?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

 

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

 

Abbott: Nick Evans.

 

Costello: The guy.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans.

 

Costello: How does he sign...

 

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

 

Costello: Nick Evans?

 

Abbott: Yes.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

 

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you if Nick Evans is on second.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans is on first.

 

Costello: One base at a time!

 

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

 

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

 

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

 

Costello: I'm only asking you, Nick Evans the guy on first base?

 

Abbott: That's right.

 

Costello: Ok.

 

Abbott: All right.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

 

Abbott: No. What is on second.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you if Nick Evans is on second.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans on first.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

 

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

 

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

 

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, Nick Evans did I say is playing third?

 

Abbott: No. Nick Evans playing first.

 

Costello: What's on first?

 

Abbott: What's on second.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott: He's on third.

 

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

 

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

 

Costello: Now Nick Evans playing third base?

 

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Nick Evans on third base?

 

Costello: What am I putting on third.

 

Abbott: No. What is on second.

 

Costello: You don't want Nick Evans on second?

 

Abbott: Nick Evans is on first.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

 

Abbott: Sure.

 

Costello: The left fielder's name?

 

Abbott: Why.

 

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

 

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

 

Costello: Then tell me Nick Evans is playing left field.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans is playing first.

 

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

 

Abbott: No, What is on second.

 

Costello: I'm not asking you if Nick Evans is on second.

 

Abbott: Nick Evans is on first!

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: The left fielder's name?

 

Abbott: Why.

 

Costello: Because!

 

Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

 

Abbott: Sure.

 

Costello: The pitcher's name?

 

Abbott: Tomorrow.

 

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

 

Abbott: I'm telling you now.

 

Costello: Then go ahead.

 

Abbott: Tomorrow!

 

Costello: What time?

 

Abbott: What time what?

 

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me Nick Evans is pitching?

 

Abbott: Now listen. Nick Evans is not pitching.

 

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say Nick Evans is on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

 

Abbott: What's on second.

 

Costello: I don't know.

 

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Gotta a catcher?

 

Abbott: Certainly.

 

Costello: The catcher's name?

 

Abbott: Today.

 

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

 

Abbott: Now you've got it.

 

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

 

Abbott: So they tell me.

 

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to Nick Evans?

 

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

 

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

 

PAUSE

 

Abbott: That's all you have to do.

 

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

 

Abbott: Yes!

 

Costello: Now Nick Evans got it?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

PAUSE

 

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now Nick Evans has it?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Nick Evans?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Naturally?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

 

Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Nick Evans.

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's different.

 

Costello: That's what I said.

 

Abbott: You're not saying it...

 

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

 

Abbott: You throw it to Nick Evans.

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: That's what I said!

 

Abbott: You ask me.

 

Costello: I throw the ball to Nick Evans?

 

Abbott: Naturally.

 

Costello: Now you ask me.

 

Abbott: You throw the ball to Nick Evans?

 

Costello: Naturally.

 

Abbott: That's it.

 

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to Nick Evans. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Nick Evans picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

 

Abbott: What?

 

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

 

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.