We Want The Mansion

Next year we will have faded deep into obscurity. We will have died and no one will have noticed, just like Gavin Brown, former Vice-Chancellor of the University of Sydney. Our farm system is as barren as Queen Mary I of England (in this analogy, Mary, Queen of Scots is our rival, she is played by the Yankees. Also, the Yankees have more Jesus in their farm system. The religious implications of such a statement (protestants v. catholics) can be discussed in the comments).

At any rate, we have too many young players and not enough solid experienced veterans like Albert Pujols or Miguel Cabrera. To remedy this I propose we dig into our farm system and trade some guys

CF Kirk Nieuwenhuis, RHP Francisco Rodriguez, and RHP Manny Acosta to the Blue Jays for OF Dewayne Wise

Reasoning explained after the break

Dewayne "That Guy Who Made A Good Catch To Save, Oh, Yeah, A Perfect Game" Wise is a fast, athletic, speedy, fast burner with a set of wheels who can really fly. He is just hitting his peak at the age of 32 and can be converted to second base. Meanwhile, we give up nothing of value in Quirky Kirk, K-Roddibemcdowell, and Manny Acosta, who is probably the fat kid from Modern Family.

Another deal I would make is for former shortstop Neifi Perez. We would sign Neifi to a 3-year/36M contract, thus, we would have two Perezes signed to 3 year contracts. This will help guard Oliver because his contract is now only 38% worse then the next contract in baseball. Neifi can be slotted into a backup role for this season and then he will start after the departure of Jose Reyes to Philadelphia. 

A third deal I would make is to shore up the bullpen. Remember in 2006 we had a pretty good bullpen with Guillermo Mota, Aaron Heilman, and Heath Bell? I would bring back Heilman and Mota with $4M contracts and trade some expendable pieces like Cesar Puello, Josh Thole, and perhaps Cory Vaughn as a throw in for Bell. Oh yeah and we should probably sweeten the deal with a #4-5 starter like Mike Pelfrey.

Still this team suffers from a lack of hitting. Big deal. I will go the unorthodox route and sign Steve Trachsel to a deal. Trachsel knows how to win ballgames and can still throw a good changeup. We should also sign Jamie Moyer to a 3 year contract because the man never gets old and he is a good player who throws strikes on a consistent basis. However, we do not have enough room in the rotation for all these aces (Trachsel, Moyer, Santana, Niese, Dickey, Gee), so we need to trade one of them. Niese reminds me of a young Sandy Koufax and Santana is injured so the only logical choice is Dickey. Trading Dickey for a package of players including Carlos Lee is probably the right answer. He has the power to fill Citi Field with gargantuan blasts similar to that of when aliens from the planet Gargulon 4 carved volcanoes into the Earth. 

So right now our lineup is probably something like

SS Neifi Perez / 2B Dewayne Wise / CF Luis Castillo / 1B Ike Davis / 3B David Wright / RF Fernando Martinez / C Ronny Paulino / LF Jason Bay / Pitcher

We have no room on our team for scrubs like Carlos Beltran and Angel Pagan who don't visit army centers and make too much money a year according the Mike Lupica, so I agree with him so we should probably trade Beltran and Pagan to some non-contending team like the Oakland A's for Dallas Braden, who doesn't like A-Rod and pitched a perfect game once. Now our rotation is so loaded it hurts, just think about it

Blood On The Trax = Halladay

Dallas "Texas" Braden = Lee

Niese = Oswalt

Gee = Oswalt also

Moyer = Hamels

But our hitting is obviously weak. To counteract this we should trade SS Wilmer Flores and RHP Jennry Mejia to KC for RF Jeff Francoeur. Wilmer and Jennry "The Ninth" Mejia will never be as good as Albert Pujols and Pedro Martinez so why even bother. Francoeur is cheap and provides a solid arm in RF. Contrary to popular belief we will not actually be playing him but cutting him up and grafting his arm on to Jason Bay, his smile on to Dillon Gee, and his plate discipline on to Shane Victorino. 

Good lord this team is stacked is all I can say. What could make it better?

Oh right, we can sign Manny Ramirez and have him play second base.