FanPost

If I were a Wilpon...A showtunes means of catharsis.

This is something that came to mind recently.  Sorry if you don't like it or it's inappropriate for the forum, but it's my way of feeling better about things. So I present, inspired by Fiddler on the Roof, "If I were a Wilpon."

"Dear God, you made many, many poor Mets fans
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be a Mets fan.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I ran a mediocre team?"

If I were a Wilpon,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were Jeffy Wilpon.
I wouldn't have to think hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy Wil,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle pon.

I'd build a too big stadium with boxes by the dozen,
Even with attendance going down.
A fine outfield wall that brought home runs down to no.
There would be bad pitcher just going up,
And one even worser going down,
And one sitting in the bullpen, just for show.


I'd fill my dugout with old stars and also-rans
For radio callers to see and hear.
Complaining just as noisily as they can.
With each loud "bunt" "strike" "flail" and "hack"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives Jeffy Wilpon."

If I were a Wilpon,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a Jeffy Wilpon.
I wouldn't have to think hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy Wil,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle pon.

I see my GM, my Omar, looking like a dumb man's GM
With a proper double-talk.
Supervising deals that are clearly not right.
I see him putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood he's in.
Signing the wrong players, day and night.

The most important men in town would give bonds to me!
They would ask me why I prize them,
Like a Steinbrenner of lies,
"If you please, Sir Jeffy..."
"Pardon me, Sir Jeffy..."
Approving deals that that would cross a Mets fan's eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if i answer right or wrong.
When you're a Wilpon they think you really know!

If I were a Wilpon, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in the stadium and say.
Why did I make that ridiculous outfield wall?
And I'd discuss the team with the Jerry, in a closed door meeting some day.
That would be the most useless thing of all.

If I were a Wilpon,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a Jeffy Wilpon.
I wouldn't have to think hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

Lord who made the lineup not worth a damn,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?
If I were daddy's little man.

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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