From the Gilbert and Sullivan Classic, the Pirates of Flushing...errr, Penzance. A continuation of the catharsis required by your 2010 New York Mets. Credit to pologroundling for coming up with the first verse, which is clearly the best part of this effort.

GENERAL MANAGER:

I am the very model of a modern general manager!

I’m a vesting-option promiser and an attendance damager!

I’m a proven veteran signer and a prospect system ravager!

I am the very model of a modern general manager!

I'm not well acquainted with matters mathematical,

I never knew equations, either pitchy and at-batical,

About sabremetric theory I’m lacking in any news,

Or maybe I just put all of it to no good use.

ALL:

Or maybe he just puts all of it to no good use.

Or maybe he just puts all of it to no good use.

Or maybe he just puts all of it to no good use.

GENERAL MANAGER:

I'm not so good at trade and draft calculus;

I judge players by name and other matters very fallious:

In short, in matters of being a team depth ravager!

I am the very model of a modern general manager!

ALL:

In short, in matters of being a team depth ravager!

He is the very model of a modern general manager!

GENERAL MANAGER:

I know our mythic history, Seaver, Straw and the Doc;

I answer to nobody, which is really quite a paradox,

In designing for the future, I really made a mess of this,

In stadiums I hate outfields that are even close to parabolous;

I can sign undoubted guys with low minor OBPs.

I know the creaking chorus from the veterans’ shoulders and their knees!

I know I’m a talent master even though my record is so poor.

And can explain what I gave Ollie 36 million for.

ALL:

And can explain what he gave Ollie 36 million for.

And can explain what he gave Ollie 36 million for.

And can explain what he gave Ollie 36 million for.

GENERAL MANAGER:

Then I can design a team so fans wish they were never born,

And put guys in the lineup who should be washing uniforms,

In short, in matters of being a team depth ravager!

I am the very model of a modern general manager!

ALL:

In short, in matters of being a team depth ravager!

He is the very model of a modern general manager!

GENERAL MANAGER:

In fact, when I know what is meant by "UZR" and by "WAR-a",

When I can tell at sight why a Mauer is better than a Cora,

When such affairs as walking I'm much less wary at,

And when I know precisely what is meant by "multivariate,"

When I have learnt why a contract should not be based in gunnery,

When I sign some relief men who can pitch a 1-2-3.

In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,

You'll still say this general manager has never signed an MVP.

ALL:

You'll still say this general manager has never signed an MVP.

You'll still say this general manager has never signed an MVP.

You'll still say this general manager has never signed an MVP.

GENERAL MANAGER:

For my lack of baseball knowledge, I’m still plucky and adventury,

All fans knew the mistakes of Gary, Cat and Frenchery;

In short, in matters of being a team depth ravager!!

I am the very model of a modern general manager!

ALL:

In short, in matters of being a team depth ravager!

He is the very model of a modern general manager!