Bumped from FanPosts. --Eric
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
This small Shakespeare quote, while poetic and beautiful, is wrong to an extent. The whole concept of language involves the creation of a name to describe what we see. As a result, from a young age humans tend to associate an object with its name. For example, the word apple sparks an image in our heads, along with the words ‘red,' ‘shiny,' and ‘round.' While Shakespeare makes the point that an apple could just as easily have been called a banana, words in our society have been ingrained for quite some time and they can be used to illustrate our likes and dislikes.
Take, for example, your favorite Mets player(s). A baseball player, based on his talent level, has the unique ability to make his name sound attractive to his supporters. While the name David Wright can be used in a plethora of cheesy Gary Cohen phrases or Mets advertisement campaigns, his name is deemed ‘awesome' because it evokes incredible memories of his superior play.
Some names, however, grasp the hold of both the fair-weather and rabid of fans. These names cause people to stop whatever they are doing, and simply stand agape at the sheer amazement of what they have heard. An MLB player with the misfortune of having had such a name during his childhood now has the last laugh at his former bullies, as the name provides mystical powers far greater than his teammates and replacement level players.
I believe everyone knows exactly where this article is going.
Jeff Francoeur. R.A. Dickey. Observe a brief analysis of Mr. Dickey. With a last name such as Dickey, and a genius nickname of R.A. (which stands for Robert Alan), one must expect such a man to be unique. After his name, the second thing a scout notices is that (aha!) Mr. Dickey is a knuckleball pitcher. Unique indeed. With a scruffy grizzly bear beard and a gaping mid-throw mouth, Mr. Dickey was destined for greatness.
Now we must observe the flip side of this equation. Jeff Francoeur established himself as "The Natural," early in his career, riding on the success of his unusual name. A closer look, however, reveals how blinded Sports Illustrated writers and daily columnists were. Francoeur is French, but Jeff is English, and too boring for such an interesting surname. Historically, French surnames are best mixed with Hispanic first names, such as in the case of Juan Pierre, but should probably be avoided in general, as the prime examples are terrible baseball players.
While an incredible name is more than enough evidence to accept a player as first rate, the reverse is not true. Therefore, we must look at Francoeur's abilities as a player before we may judge him as terrible.
As you can see, Francoeur is indeed terrible. Observe Carlos Beltran's abilities for comparison.
Beltran clearly overwhelms Francoeur. Unfortunately, not noted is Beltran's amazing name, which Jon Miller emphatically pronounces. One of Beltran's greatest sources of power is this name, which in English means John Connor.
I believe I have demonstrated with more than enough proof the power of a name, and thus I propose the following for the 2011 season:
Our inept coaching staff must go entirely (with a few exceptions, which we will get to later). Fortunately, there are a plethora of options to replace these useless coaches this offseason, and we should begin with manager. Although some great names have been thrown out (Bobby Valentine, Wally Backman, Chip Hale, Jerry Manuel), undoubtedly the king of free agent managers is none other than Bobby Cox. Cox has the surname any real man would die for, and the reputation to boot. While many believe he plans on retiring, Bobby is just trying to increase his leverage for contract negotiations. I believe the Mets should make a push to steal the man from Atlanta.
Next up should be our bench coach. Chip Hale's extraordinary track record has earned him a promotion and he deserves to be next in line to the throne of Mets manager. His aggressiveness will provide a great second voice to Mr. Cox and Hale will have no issues assuming command should anything go wrong. Hale's two syllable name rings off the tongue as a man with greatness inside of him. Only time will tell.
We will also need a new pitching coach. Despite Dan Warthen's success this year, we must not forget what happened to Jeff Francoeur, and his name does not exude future triumphs. I thus propose bringing in none other than Dick Pole. Mr. Pole is currently a free agent, having been released by the Cincinnati Reds. He will fit nicely into the Mets system.
Despite being blessed with a perfect name, even some fail to live up to expectations. As a result, Howard Johnson must go. Fortunately, he always has a job waiting for him at a hotel chain should he be so inclined. The only way to surpass someone with such an incredible name is to go even more extravagant. Thus, the only person who could possibly take Mr. Johnson's job is none other than Pete LaCock. LaCock has been the hitting coach for several independent league teams, the most recent of which being the Tucson Toros. Under his guide, the Toros have achieved a team OBP of .357 this season, currently 43 points higher than the Mets. He will improve our team greatly.
We will need a new third base coach to replace Hale, and Razor Shines is the leading candidate. There really is no need to describe why Shines has such an amazing name. He has the experience of coaching third, and can act as a mentor for our new first base coach.
Our first base coach of course will be Rusty Kuntz, who is currently manning the first 90 feet of the basepaths for the Kansas City Royals. Mr. Kuntz has been the mockery of baseball and adolescents since his wonderful nickname was created. As previously mentioned, however, such mockeries only exist outside the baseball diamond, and Mr. Kuntz will make a fine first base coach.
The final position available for the Mets coaching staff is our bullpen coach, a position perfect for one Rick Harding Peterson. Peterson received flack from Mets fans and the press during his tenure as a Met, but he has an uncanny knack for developing pitchers with his phallic name. He will do wonders in the bullpen, and is one of my highest recommendations.
Unfortunately, Wonderful Terrific Monds is not a great fit for our coaching staff due to his lack of experience, but I would be willing to look at any suggestions you might have. This group, however, is a collection of the greatest people in baseball history, and the mind-blowing chain of command will result in the Mets being an unstoppable force for hopefully years to come.
N.B. Thanks to Brooklyn Dodgers Mets Fan for Beltran's weakness suggestion.