Introducing Your 2012 New York Mets Lineup:
(Opening Day Citifield 2012)
Leading off, the next coming of Rey Ordonez, he's the only Latin player in history to lie about his age in reverse since he really just turned 17, please welcome Mr. Ruben Teeeejada!
Batting 2nd and playing 2nd, a man who shouldn't be doing either, please put your hands together for The Season Ending Injury Waiting To Happen, the Irish Hammer himself, Daaaaniel Murphy....(Citifield crickets chirp in a frenzy)
…...And now, batting 3rd, enjoy him while you have him because Sandy’s cheaper than Chinese kid labor and won’t even try to keep him, introducing the next 3rd baseman of the LA Angels …please show him your support since this lineup can’t….Daaaaaavid Wright!
And batting cleanup, the man with the Humpty Dumpty ankle, who doctors say will be just fine all season as long as he stays upright and doesn’t topple over…the hope of all Mets fans, give it up….no really, give it up, this team is terrible….but also give it up for Ike Davis!
Batting 5th and playing Left Field, his hobbies include face planting into walls when not stranding runners on base, he is the symbol of empty promise and unfulfilled expectations, ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together…in prayer and ask the Lord he approaches .250 this year, the hardest working disappointment in baseball….Jaaaaaaason Baaaaaaay!
And now, playing Centerfield, the best athlete on the team, capable of winning decathlons and marathons but not hitting a single with 2 outs and a man on 2nd, he is here by the grace of a cheap $4 million tender offer that Sandy had to be begged into… Angel Paaagan!
Batting 7th, and claiming to play Right Field, the pride of River Side Ca. the youngest DH in MLB actually fielding a position because there’s no other roster option, introducing Luuuuuuuucas Duuuuuuuuudaaaa!
And last but not least, behind the plate, controlling the pitching and his testosterone levels, the man who can get you buff in 30 days but not past the drug test, one of Alderson’s first ingenius mastermind signings who had Sandy reminiscing of his Bash Brothers Glory days, known in DR as Chemical Ronny, please welcome Mr. Roooonnny Pauuuulinooooo!
This is your 2012 New York Mets Lineup! And thank you Mr. Alderson!