FanPost

The Inani-Mets

(Bumped from FanPosts)

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All work and no baseball makes KeithsMoustache something something. So given the fact that everyone keeps thinking the Mets will firesale the whole team, and have no money to replace them, I figured I should figure out what inanimate objects could play different positions for us in order to save some money next year. Here's my starting lineup!

Backhoe loader:  The Backhoe loader makes an excellent candidate as our new first baseman. He's built to dig throws out of the dirt with ease. His long arm reach makes him ideal for stretching to help beat out those bang-bang plays at first and he has a ton of arm power. When he's involved in plays at the plate, he can bowl over any catcher with the greatest of ease. On the downside, his lack of speed makes him a liability on the basepaths. Also given the ever rising cost of diesel fuel, his contract incentive costs based on gallons used will likely be expensive late in his career.

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Metronome:  The Metronome would make an excellent shortstop. Known for their side to side mobility, the metronome would have the range to get to balls on either side with equal frequency. Similarly the metronome is ambidextrous, and would be able to switch hit, hitting equally well from both sides of the plate. On the minus side, the metronome would likely have very little power (only what double A batteries can provide), so he would need to be more of an on base guy. The metronome is also frequently seen dancing to music, and if there's one thing we know, it's that dancing and baseball should never be mixed by players who care about the game. 

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Canadian Bacon:  Canadian bacon would be brought in to play left field. It's mostly there to bring in fans based on the name recognition that bacon provides. On the surface they may initially think it's just as good as it's American alternative, but they'll later learn that all they're really getting is glorified ham. While serviceable, it is almost sure to underwhelm and disappoint the fan base.

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Black hole:  Putting a black hole in center field would make for an almost assured gold glove outfielder. The gravitational field of the black hole would ensure that any ball hit to center field was caught by the black hole, and high fly balls would be pulled back into the park. At the plate, the black hole can't swing per se... however it would be guaranteed to be hit by pitches in every PA, making it an OBP machine and a sabermetricians dream player. On the downside the black hole may consume players who stray too close to it, without regards to team. The other problem is that while in the OF, Black Hole would take velocity off of pitches for own team as well due to it's gravitational pull. Finally, given how much Prince Fielder (a mere pre-black hole) is slated to get on the open market, Black Hole's contract will be likely be quite large.

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Trampoline:  Trampoline would make a great addition at catcher. It would return balls to the pitcher quickly, keeping the pace of the game brisk, and the fielders on their toes. The Trampoline can also make great snap throws to first or second on the pitch, keeping basestealing against him to a minimum. Where Trampoline falls short is in game calling, as he always calls for the same pitch. Balls in the dirt also pose a problem, as a lack of knees prevents trampoline from getting down to catch them (hey if Posada got away with it for so long so can Trampoline). Also, the elasticity of Trampolines connective mesh will wear down over time, and Trampoline is not likely to bounce back from this injury.

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The Rock:  The Rock (not to be confused with Dwayne Johnson, or the Nicholas Cage film) is a solid, durable right fielder. It is unlikely to spend many days on the DL, and is capable of being solid all around. Anyone who's come in contact with a rock knows they can hit extremely hard. Rocks one weakness is crack... yes Rock cracks can cause serious issues down the road as far as health, durability and reliability goes. I've heard Rock cracks have derailed other players (and many people in general) in the past, and I believe if crack screening by the MLBPA shows that this is happening they'll shut down the Rock for it's own safety. (Credit to Sam, originator of the glorious Rock image)

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Turnstile:  Turnstile was tailor made to turn two, or even three, repeatedly and with great reproducibility. Turnstile has spent his entire life practicing this maneuver, showing that it's a gritty gamer type who's always working to improve its game. On takeout slides, Turnstile is not likely to yield or move out of the way to avoid contact while turning, showing it's tough and willing to take one for the team. On the downside, Turnstile has a very stiff mechanical swing, and many people have found ways of working around it to avoid its reach. This could limit it's offensive upside, but defensively it should be a solid addition.   

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Ove Glove:  What better player for the hot corner than Ove Glove. Designed to handle the hottest of objects with ease, the ove glove has Gold Glove written all over it (half the words are already in it's name!). However, the ove glove is soft, and playing in New York, the media is likely to jump all over this, accusing the ove Glove of not trying hard enough, or not caring enough about the game. It's too bad given that the Ove Glove is put through some incredibly difficult ordeals, often risking great injury to itself, and it's efforts will likely go unappreciated by most. Also Ove Glove won't contribute much at the plate, since he's known to be all glove

Thirdbase_medium

Dentures:  I think given what I've heard most often as a complaint over the last few months about this team Dentures would make a good starting pitcher to assuage the fans fears. All I hear about from the MSM is about how our pitchers lack dental toughness. While I do not have a degree in dental medicine (where's Socks when you need him), I imagine fake teeth do not have this problem since they can be made out of anything. I believe this will solve the dental toughness problem the Mets have been.... oh wait, i've just been informed its MENTAL toughness we lack. Oh dear, I probably shouldn't have just signed Dentures to a 3 year 36 million dollar contract should I? Oh well, what's done is done. plus dentures are definitely mature, like Sandy Koufax.

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Thats my plan to save money in 2012, and my plan, I like my plan.

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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