Coffee's for Closers

As inspired by this: 

Starring Terry Collins as "The Motivator" 

Bobby "The Sell" Parnell 

Tim Byrdak as The Wiseass 

Ryota Igurashi as Alan Arkin's Chracter who has some lines but I could find a single headshot online so there will be no witty photo accompanying him. 

"Let me have your attention for a moment. Cause you're talking about what, bitchin' about some save you blew, some son of bitch umpire don't wanna give you the outside corner, some reporter trying to screw you... let's talk about something important. Are they all here?" 

"All but one." 

"Well I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important. Parnell, put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers only." 

"Ha... wha?"

"You think I'm fucking with you? I'm not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Sterling Mets LP.  And I'm here on a mission of 9th inning mercy....

Your name's Parnell?"

"Yeah." 

"You call yourself a reliever, you son of a bitch?" 

"I don't gotta listen to this shit..." 

"You certainly don't, pal! The good news is you're released. The bad news is all of you have one week to regain your positions as relievers on this baseball team starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's game."

"Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, because we're adding a little something to this month's bullpen-by-committee contest. As you all know, first prize is ownership of the team. Anybody wanna see second prize?"

"Second prize is a set of Bianca Cruz photos." 

"Third prize is you're released." 

(silence)

"Get the picture? You got leads, the Mets paid good money for the offense to get them, get the hitters out to keep them. You can't hold the leads you're given, you can't hold shit. Hit the bricks and beat it pal, because you are going to Buffalo."

"The leads come with inherited runners." 

"The leads are weak? Fucking leads are weak? Your pitching's weak. I've been in this managing business 15 years." 

"How many playoff appearences ya got?"

"FUCK YOU, that's how many. You know why mister, because you LOOGYed your way onto to this team, I got hired by Sandy Alderson. That's how many." 

"And Parnell, your name is You're Wanting. If you can't play in The Show, and can't close leads, then go to Buffalo and tell Tim Teufel your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this bullpen: get them to swing at the ball that is spotted. You hear me, you fucking maggots?"

"A... B... C... A-Anyone, B-But, C-Carrasco. Anyone but Carrasco! Anyone but Carrasco!" 

"A.I.D.A. Alderson Isn't Dumb, Asshole. Alderson, do we have a smart GM? Isn't, are some of you going to be contracted? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks. Dumb, have you met the owners, for Christ's sake? And asshole. AIDA, get out there. You got the prospects coming in, you think they came to get out of upstate New York? A guy don't throw a bullpen session lest he want to close. Those owners are out there waiting to give you their money. Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it?"

"Incredible..."

"What's the problem, pal? You, Byrdak." 

"I mean you're such a hero with your 490-480 career record... why're you coming down to the bullpen to waste your time with a buncha replacement level bums?" 

"You see this watch Byrdak? You see this watch?" 

"Yeah." 

"That watch costs more than your contract. I got a two year deal with a club option for a third, how long is your deal? See pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy with the media? I don't give a shit. Good clubhouse presence? Fuck you, go to Brooklyn and play with the kids. You wanna pitch here, CLOSE."

 

"Carrasco, you call this abuse? You call this abuse, you balksucker? You can't take this, how do you expect to take the abuse you get on the road? You don't like it, leave."

"Armando Benitez could go out there tonight with the fielders and offense and get himself a six-out save. Tonight. In two innings. Can you? Can you, Byrdak? Go out and do likewise. A.I.D.A. Throw mad, you sons of bitches!" 

"You guys know what it takes to close games? It takes brass Dickeys to close games.

If you guys wanna go out there and hold a lead tonight, it's yours. If not, you're gonna be playing in the Atlantic League."

"And you'll know what you'll be saying. A buncha losers in the Long Island Ducks clubhouse: 'Oh yeah, I used to be a major league reliever, it's a tough racket.'" 

"These are the new leads. These are the one-run leads. And to you, they're contract gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for closers. I'd wish ya good BABIP luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it."

"To answer your question, Byrdak, I came here because Sterling Mets LP asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, 'The real favor is to follow my advice and demote your fucking ass, because a LOOGY is a LOOGY.'" 

Exeunt.