My name's Pack, and this is my 20-point plan for Mets success.
1. Extend Jason Bay through the 2009 season.
2. Acquire Nick Evans, unless we still have him.
3. Place Las Vegas 51s franchise on red.
4. Locate receipt and return bad players for Angel Pagan.
5. Hire Ozzie Guillen to manage the Marlins.
6. Extend Dickey four to six inches.
7. Offer Gary Cohen a lifetime appointment after punking Kevin Burkhardt a la NBC and Conan.
8. Teach Burkhardt the knuckleball.
9. Move team to the Barclay Center, announce Jay-Z as new Jason Bay.
10. Trade Citi Field's salvaged copper for the Mariners.
11. Fire Jerry Manuel again.
12. Trade Sam Page to Metsblog for "Presented by Verizon." Reinvest advertising dollars in a younger Sam Page.
13. Bring in outfield walls until right field is the size of Lucas Duda.
14. Acquire Jeff Francoeur from the Royals for Zack Wheeler, flip him to the Royals for Zack Wheeler and Alex Gordon. Trade Alex Gordon to the Cardinals for Carlos Beltran and, drawing the Royals in, Jeff Francoeur.
16. Extend spring training invites to other teams' minor leaguers, sewing seeds of discord.
17. Offer poor Bobby V. a goodwill position managing the Cyclones. Note: get coaches to spy on him.
18. Ask if, like, we could trade, like, everyone for Mike Trout.
19. Place Jeff Wilpon in exclusive charge of Ismael Tijerina's development.
20. Traid David Wrongz.