At the behest of my 12 kids and them not wanting to see Citifield empty on a daily basis - (as will surely be the case all of 2012) – I’ve charitably donated my time to the Mets marketing department and provided for them a series of sure-fire ticket pumping ideas that will undoubtedly turn this Mets season at Citifield into the 2012 version of Rod Stewart at the Copacabana:

Free Walkoff Ruben! - All fans at Citifield and their immediate families will enjoy a free open-faced Ruben sandwich for every Citifield Walk-Off Homerun hit by the new Mets Shortstop courtesy of Baskin Robbins.

Frank Francisco Chair Giveaway Day! – In honor of the furniture-tossing gent, all fans seated along the home dugout side will be thrown an inflatable beach chair featuring Francisco’s scowling face nicely color-printed on the seat – a percentage of all ticket proceeds will be donated to the charity closest to Francisco’s heart, the “Vayate Pa La Mierda” student fund. Brought to you by Jennifer Convertibles.

Catch The Fever! - Come to Citifield and Catch The Fever! No, not Spring Fever but Valley Fever! The first 300 fans in attendance will get to join Ike Davis in the clubhouse where they will get to shake hands and bear hugs with the first baseman! The experience is sure to leave you breathless! Sponsored by the American Lung Disease Prevention Association

The One That Got Away – Introducing The Jose Reyes 9 Game Pak! – Sad that Jose Reyes left? No problem! The Jose Reyes 9 Game Pak is the most Amazin’ opportunity to come watch the five-tool Met’s homegrown ex-player in a different outfit as he dashes and slashes, dazzles and razzles all around Citifield as you had been used to watching for the past 9 years! 1 game to represent each year he gave you – it will be as if he never left! As part of the promotion each fan in attendance will receive an audio CD of the Jose-Jose-Jose chant so they can take home and listen to during moments of depression or after every Mets vs. NL East games.

@MetsGM Non-BobbleHead Day! – All kids 12 and under in attendance will receive a Sandy Alderson Non-Bobblehead doll! Kids will have a ball with this new totally realistic doll as instead of bobbing up and down like all the others the Sandy doll’s head will only shake side to side as he himself answers whenever asked about free agents or the state of the franchise! Each recipient of course must agree to follow Sandy on Twitter as he continues to works hard and write up material to get that following up! - Sponsored by Twitter and follow him @MetsGM/twitter.com

Kitchen Nightmares Live at Citifield Week – Gordon Ramsey faces his toughest challenge ever! Come and experience the live version of Kitchen Nightmares as Gordon goes to all Citifield grub spots from the Shake Shack to the Acela Club trying to save each eatery from going under. He will somehow try to help them stay afloat as they operate without clientele. The stories will be gripping and the drama will be palpable! Will the Caesars Club cooks make it to September? Is the Delta SkyClub 360 crashing down? Which El Verano Taqueria cashier will be left standing? Come and find out for yourself…only at Citifield!

Mr. Met Dash & Jump – After every home-loss 2500 fans or all in attendance ages 14 and up will get to join Mr. Met at a Dash & Jump where they will follow Mr. Met on a dash around the concourse and a jump off the Shea Bridge! Sponsored by Prudential Life Insurance

Wright Goodbye Night – All good things come to an end! As we prepare ourselves for the inevitable departure of our beloved third baseman, what better way to say goodbye than a very special goodbye night scheduled for July 25th right before the trade deadline. Trivia on the big screens will include guesses on what team Wright is headed to and photos of how he will look in his new potential uniforms. In observance of this special evening, vendors in the stands will swap out the giant #1 Foam Hands for new giant #5 Foam Hands which fans can use to wave at David.

Baywatch in 3D – Is Pamela Anderson making a comeback? This is even better! The first 500 fans in attendance will receive a Baywatch 3D ViewMaster - Let’s go back in time and experience Jason Bay’s most memorable moments as a Met… in 3D! The ViewMaster will come jam-packed with great Jason Bay image slides. From a slide showing his slow-motion face plant at Dodger stadium to Jason doing what you know him best for – the art of stranding runners on base. Will it be a groundout with a man on 2nd and two outs? Or will it be a strikeout with a man on 3rd and one out? Grab your Baywatch ViewMaster and find out! You will surely treasure this great memento for the rest of your Met loving life. Sponsored by the NL Starting Pitching Association.

Haunted Citifield – Got no plans for October? Great! Neither did Citifield… until now! Starting October 1st and running ‘til Christmas - Introducing the first annual Haunted Citifield – Come join the frightfest at the stadium. Come dressed as your favorite Met or your most hated Philly. Have fun at the hayride around the infield or go get lost at the corn maze in the outfield! Tickets On Sale Now!