A WIN METHOD Analysis of the Current State of the Mets

Our 2012 Mets have been utilizing the WIN METHOD quite well this year, as evidenced by their 20-16 record while they sit 2.5 games back of the Nationals. While this isn't a shocking win total, it is well above what many would have expected from them this year. Of course, as we know, many predictions for the Mets are based on aggregating individual accomplishments, which of course, as we know, are actually meaningless. Some projected the Mets to be a 70-win team, for example, simply by adding up the projected WAR of each individual player on the team. Because the Mets have been employing the WIN METHOD correctly, they are coming together as a team, performing above how each player was predicted to perform, and thus winning more games.

How are the Mets currently utilizing the WIN METHOD? How could the Mets improve their performance by better utilizing the WIN METHOD? Let's see how the players contribute to the Mets' success and how they could improve on that aspect. As a result, I will have some recommendations for Dandy Olders and Sons.

Hitters - Starters

To gauge these hitters' ability to employ the WIN METHOD correctly, we must analyze their contribute to the general success of the team. We cannot do so by counting the player's home runs, or WAR, or the wOMBATs or something; that, of course, as we know, would be foolish. Instead, we will see how a Met has helped the team win games this season by qualifying how clutch they are and their grission.

David Wright - Wright has been lauded heavily this year for both his improved hitting and defense, both of which have been considered tremendously great. His defense has not actually caused the Mets to lose a game, and because defense can only cause you to give up more or fewer runs as opposed to scoring more or fewer, Wright has been employing the WIN METHOD perfectly on defense. As for his hitting, Wright seems to be in the middle of everything, helping with rallies and general winning-ness. It is safe to say that David Wright is a proven WIN METHOD player so far in 2012.

Daniel Murphy - The Irish Hammer has also been hitting very well this year. We can say that he is employing the WIN METHOD correctly, because he is not hitting home runs. Instead, he is hitting many line drives for singles, which means that he is not trying to create all of the offense himself and is thus a team player. Home runs are rally killers, as we know, so Murphy is a WIN METHOD player so far in 2012.

Kirk Nude von Heist - Captain Kirk has had some timely hits and home runs it seems, so he is definitely clutch and WIN METHOD in that aspect. However, his grission is in question. As we see on a daily basis, Kirk has long hair, which is a sign of insecurity. This is so because if he makes an out in a pressure situation, he can simply hide behind his hair and nobody will know he made the out. Grission legends, such as David Eckstein himself, do not have long hair at all. To prove this point even further, his last name is three words long. Nobody can remember that, so nobody can remember if he fails.

I recommend that Kirk Nude von Heist change his name to Kirk WIN METHOD and get a buzzcut so that he can be completely WIN METHOD.

Ruben Tejada - He has been a gritty shortstop, fielding very well and hitting surprisingly well despite the fact that he is still in middle school. This is very WIN METHOD in itself, but he is no longer WIN METHOD because he is on the disabled list. If you're on the DL, there is no way you can help your team win games, so thus Ruben Tejada is currently not WIN METHOD but had been a bit ago.

I recommend that Ruben Tejada steal Cedeno's jersey and start playing again. If he hurts himself again, at least he proves that he has grission and wants to be WIN METHOD.

Ike Davis - He is very not WIN METHOD, clearly evidenced by his propensity to strike out every time and only hit home runs. He is very selfish and should be blamed for everything.

I recommend that Ike Davis stop talking to Carlos Beltran.

Lucas Duda - Duda has had some bad and good games this year, but recently he has been helping the Mets win games a lot. He has been part of the comebacks of late and therefore is very WIN METHOD in that aspect.

However, I think Lucas Duda needs to stop pooping his pants, as evidenced by this picture (he looks too uncomfortable, so that must be the case):


Pooping your pants while playing baseball is not very WIN METHOD. Players should take the effort to use the bathroom or at least the dugout.

Josh Thole - While I said that Tejada was not very WIN METHOD for being on the DL, Thole is WIN METHOD by default because he was sacrificing his life for an attempt at an out, which led to a concussion. That is wholehearted grission right there, and there is nothing else I would need him to do. Furthermore, he chokes up on the bat and hits many singles, a very WIN METHOD and team-oriented style of play.

Jason Bay - He makes too much money and doesn't seem to be very good at baseball. I say that he is not WIN METHOD and that he should go back to Canadia.

(Andres Torres - Inconclusive. He could cement himself as a WIN METHOD player, however, by catching every ball that is hit by the opposing team and hitting walk-off home runs every day.)

Hitters - The Bench

Bench players are the most WIN METHOD baseball players, because they only allow themselves to play when the game actually matters and thus pinch-hit. When they act as replacements, they are showing their patience and willingness to help the team win games. Because the Mets are winning games, all of the bench players are WIN METHOD and are doing their job. I'm talking to you, Justin Turner.


Pitchers can either only give up no runs or give up runs. Because of this, they can't actually help their team win but only help their team lose. I declare that none of the Mets pitchers are WIN METHOD except for Lord Dickey himself. This is the only evidence you will ever need to declare Dickey as a WIN METHOD player:


I recommend that the Mets' pitchers stop pitching, because then the Mets will stop giving up runs. Instead, they should try hitting and help the Mets score runs.


By analyzing the Mets using the WIN METHOD, we see that the hitters are mostly in an overall good state, and along with R.A. Dickey, are the reason why the Mets currently hold a nice 20-16 record. However, because the entire notion of pitching is terrible (can you even think of a single pitcher in the MLB that you would consider WIN METHOD? Are there any grissiony pitchers?), I believe that we should petition Dandy Olders and Sons to release all of the Mets pitchers except for Dickey and replace them with singles hitters. Once that is done, the Mets will be nearly impossible to defeat.

We can still go 146-16, everyone. Believe in the WIN METHOD.

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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