vs.

7:10 PM | SNY

A random WFAN caller sits down for breakfast.

*opens newspaper*

*looks at probable pitchers*

*face slowly slackens from disbelief, causing gold-plated monocle to fall into imported English breakfast tea*

"STULTS, ERIC (0-0) v. HEFNER, JEREMY (0-1)"

*whispers a single curse*: "ssssanddy..."

Probable Pitchers

Eric Stults

#53 / Pitcher / San Diego Padres

Height: 6-0

Weight: 225

Bats: L

Throws: L

Born: Dec 09, 1979

Here's some facts I gathered about Eric Stults after 30 minutes on google:

• Was drafted by the Dodgers and served as their "sixth starter" for a few years.
• Pitched a complete game shutout in 2008.
• Is definitely a pitcher.
• The Dodgers sold him to Japan in 2010.
• Sucked in Japan, was banished back to the decadent and decaying West.
• Claimed off waivers by the Padres this year from the White Sox.
• He had decent peripherals as a reliever in AAA, but nothing that screams "MLB starter."
• Has pitched well in 2 starts this season, despite walking more batter than he's struckout. How Batistan!

Jeremy Hefner

#53 / Pitcher / New York Mets

Height: 6-4

Weight: 215

Bats: R

Throws: R

Born: Mar 11, 1986

Here's some facts I gathered about Jeremy Hefner, while watching him pitch 5 innings against the Blue Jays:

• Has a fastball that can touch the low 90s.
• Throws a very loopy curveball. Wouldn't call it 12-6, but it's definitely a curveball in the traditional sense.
• Mechanically, he's kind of slow to the plate and generates most of his velocity by slinging his arm.
• Has a slider.
• Probably better than Eric Stults.

Lineup guesses

Padres

1. Venable- RF
2. Maybin- CF
3. Headley- 3B
4. Alonso- 1B
5. Baker- C
6. Amarista- 2B
7. Cabrera- SS
8. Tekotte- LF

Mets (I might be way off here)

1. Torres- CF
2. Murphy- 2B
3. Wright- 3B
4. Hariston-LF
5. Duda-RF
6. Vinny- 1B
7. :(edeno- SS
8. Nickeas- C

Key match-ups

1. A quadruple-A lefty who leans heavily on his changeup to get righties out? Might that interest a David Wright who has finally remembered how to make consistent contact on offspeed pitches? "Hitting .400 isn't cool. You know what's cool? Hitting .500." --Mark Zuckerberg
2. The Padres surprisingly have a few left-handed hitters who are decent agains the curveball, the best among them being Yonder Alonso. By every metric, he crushes the deuce, which is -- as far as I can tell -- Hefner's best offering against the opposite hand. Proceed with caution.