FanPost

fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. I, No. 4 (Sept. – 2nd half, 2011)

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. I, No. 4 (Sept. – 2nd half, 2011)

Contents:

51. SUMMBITCH
52. CAN SOMEONE ON THIS TEAM
53. MORONIO RIVERA IS A WINNAR
54. OH LOOK ITS MR. OLDERSAN
54.5. LACE BARKMAN IS A GOOD PLAYAR
55. WHAT TEH FUCK (2)
56. FOR BURLEIGHGRIMES
57. CAN DICKEY GET SOME RUNS HERE PLEASE
58. HELLO HELLO MR.WILPAWN
59. HOLY FUCKING SHIT
60. WELL FOLKS THIS MAY BE MY LAST IN-SEASON RANT
61. TEH SEASEN IS TOO SHORT
61a. EH - RANT FAIL
62. I THOUGHT TEH METS WERE PLAYING TEH EARLY GAME

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51. SUMMBITCH

I MISS ALL THE GOOD PARTS OF THIS GAME AND COME TO SEE NOBODY BOOT AN EASY GROUND BALL CAN A GUY GET A BREAK HERE I MEAN I WORK HARD FOR A LIVING AND ALL I WANT TO SEE IS SOME GOOD BASEBALL HELLO HELLO MR. MET CAN YOU CRUSH SOME OF THESE PLAYARS WITH YOUR GIANT HEAD OH WAIT I GET IT NOW TEH METS ARE PLAYING WELL BECUASE JERRY COLLEN WUZ MAD IN THE MEDIA YESTIRDY AND WE ALL KNOW THAT ALWAYS MITIVATES TEH PLAYARS TO DO BETTER I KNOW THIS BECUASE CRAIGGY CARTON TOLD ME SO ON TEH RADIO AND AS WE ALL KNOW HE IS A WINNAR ON TEH RADIO AND STUFF BUT NEVER MIND THAT WHAT ABOUT TEH RED SOX STICKING THERE HEADS UP THERE ASS LETS FACE IT PEOPLE BASEBALL IS ALL ABOUT TEH YANKEES AND THE PHILLIES AND WILL BE LIKE THAT FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS WE ARE ALL FUCKED

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52. CAN SOMEONE ON THIS TEAM

DRIVE IN A FUCKING RUN THIS TEAM HAS MOAR HOLES THAN MY UNDERWEAR I MEAN THE PICHAR IS GIVING EVERYTHING HE HAS AND NOBODY CAN HIT A DAMN BALL THIS IS WHY I STOPPED WATCHING TEH METS AND ONLY WATCH TEH YANKEES NOW BECUASE THOSE GUYS KNOW HOW TO HIT TEH BALL NOT LIKE TEH METS HOLY SHIT THIS TEAM SUCKS BALLS AND THIS IS NOT A ONE YEAR THING YOU ALL KNOW THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE 2007 ITS NOT LIKE YOU HAVE GOOD OLD OLIVER PEREZ TO BLAME ANYMORE LITTLE BY LITTLE TEH EXCUSAS ARE LESS AND LESS AND TEH COAR IS MORE EXPOSED EVERY DAY I SAY TRAID EVERYBODY AND BRING UP TEH KIDS AND ALSO REDUCE TICKET PRICES SO OLD FARTS LIKE ME CAN GO TO GAMES.

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53. MORONIO RIVERA IS A WINNAR

AND TEH METS WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE HIM BUT INSTEAD THEY GIVE US BOOBY PARNALL AND JAYSON ISHYRTHBSEN AND NEITHER ONE CAN CLOSE A GAME ONE GUY CANT THROW TEH BALL OVER TEH PLATE AND TEH OTHER GUY NEEDS TO BE IN A WHEALCHAIR ALREADY AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON ACOSTA I MEAN WHEN IS THIS TEAM GOING TO GIVE THEYRE FANS SOME GOOD PLAYARS SO WE CAN ENJOY TEH SEASON IN A FEW DAYS TEH YANKEES ARE GOING TO TEH POSTSEASEN AND TEH METS ARE GOING TO TEH GOLF COURSE I WONDER IF RAY RAMIREZ IS GOING WITH THEM IN CASE YOU KNOW THERE IS AN INJURY OR SOMETHING BUT ENOUGH ABOUT TEH METS WHAT ABOUT MORONIO GETTING THE ALL TIME RECORD FOR SAVES HOW GREAT WAS THAT IT WAS SO AWESOME THAT STERLING ALMOST FORGOT TO SAY TEH YANKEES WIN LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES I FIND THAT VERY ENTERTAINING NOT LIKE TEH 3 STOOGES
THE METS HAVE ON THEYRE TV THEY SOUND SO BOARED BUT MAYBE IF TEH METS COULD WIN SOME GAMES THEY WOULDNT BE SO BOARING THEY COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM THE WOMAN THAT DOES TEH YANKEES WITH STERLING WHAT IS HER NAME SUSAN WALLMEN OR SOMETHING SHE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT BALLS AND ALSO ABOUT BATS AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I THINK ANYWAY SO YEAH I AM LOOKING FORWERD TO A PHILLIES AND YANKEED WORLD SERIOUS BECAUSE WE WILL SEE TEH BEST HITTARS AGAINST TEH BEST PICHARS AND THAT WILL BE GOOD TO WATCH ON FOX WITH THEIR AWESOME TEAMS MAYBE ONE DAY TEH METS WILL GIVE US TEH PLEASURE BUT THAT WONT HAPPEN UNTIL MR OLDERSAN BRINGS US BETTER PLAYARS DO YOU HEAR OUR PLEA MR. OLDERSAN PLEASE GET US SOME GOOD PLAYARS SO WE DONT HAVE TO TURN TO VIOLANCE

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54. OH LOOK ITS MR. OLDERSAN

INSTEAD OF GIVING INTERVIEWS WHY ARENT YOU WORKING TEH PHONE ALREADY MR. GENIOUS YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO REYES’ AGENT INSTEAD OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE WORKING ON HOW TO GET A REAL ROTATION SO THIS TEAM CAN COMPETE NEXT YEAR AND LOOK AT GARY AND RON FALLING ALL OVER HIM WHAT NEXT YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE MIKE FRANCESA AN INTERVIEW AND SAY YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE AND THE BUCK STOPS HERE AND ALL THAT SHIT AND ANOTHER THING WHERE ARE YOUR BUDDIES MR. DE PEDOSTA AND THE OTHER GUY WHY ARENT THEY GIVING INTERVIEWS TOO I KNOW WHY BECUASE YOU WANT ALL TEH ATTENTION FOR YERSELF AND YOU HOPE TO BE COMMISIONER WHEN SELIG DIES

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54.5. LACE BARKMAN IS A GOOD PLAYAR

YOU WATCHING THIS MR OLDERSAN ?.

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55. WHAT TEH FUCK (2)

LUKE DOODIE GOT HURT HOW DOES THIS SHIT HAPPEN HOW COME OTHER TEAMS DONT HAVE THESE PROBLEMS THESE METS ARE MADE OF JELLO THEY ARE ALL SOFT TEH ONLY PLAYAR WITH A GOOD EFFIRT IS WILLY HARRIS DID YOU SEE THAT CATCH HE MADE MY FRIEND JEROME CALLED ME TO SAY THAT REMINDED HIM OF JOHNNY DAMIAN AND LET ME SAY THIS RIGHT NOW MR OLDERSAN SHOULD TRAID DAVID WRONG TO THE CORDINELS FOR FREESE STRAIGHT UP THAT GUY HAS THE WINNAR DOA WE ALL NEED

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56. FOR BURLEIGHGRIMES

WHAT TEH HELL KINDA NAME IS THAT ANYWAY BUT LISTEN THIS INTERVIEW WITH MAMA THOLE REALLY TUGGED THE STRINGS OF MY HEART I REMEMBER WHEN MY MAMA USED TO THROW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE BACK IN CUBA JUST SO I WOULD STOP BOTHERING HER AND I USED TO GO PLAY STICKBALL WITH MY FRIENDS AND THEN TEH OTHER KIDS FROM THE HOOD WOULD COME OUT OH HAPPY DAYS WE HAD NOTHING NO MONEY NO NICE TOYS AND NEARLY NO FOOD BUT I WOULD NOT CHANGE THOSE DAYS FOR ANYTHING BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME WHAT ABOUT THIS WILLY HARRAHS CANT EVEN HIT A BALL STRAIGHT – DUMB FUCK – AND SPEKAING OF DUMB FUCKS WHAT ABOUT THIS COMMERCIAL WITH TEH GUY ARGUING ABOUT HIS TURKEY SANDWHICH IF I AM THE FAT GUY I PUNCH THE LITTLE SHIT IN THE MOUTH AND THEN EAT HIS FUCKING SANDWHICH BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE THE DUMB FUCK AWARD OF THE WEEK GOES TO THAT GUY KAAZAM OR SHAZAM YOU KNOW THE GUY FROM LAST NIGHT’S THREAD I’VE SEEN PLENTY OF STUPID IN MY LIFE BUT THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE.

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57. CAN DICKEY GET SOME RUNS HERE PLEASE

THIS GUY LEAVES IT ALL OUT THERE EVERY TIME HE PLAYS BUT THE REST OF TEH TEAM IS MORE INTERESTED IN WHERE TEH NASA SATILLITE LANDED I BET JAYSEN BAY WAS REAL WORRIED BECUASE IT LANDED CLOSE TO HIS HOUSE TOO BAD IT DIDN’T LAND ON TOP OF CITI FIELD BECUASE THAT IS TEH ONLY THING THAT WILL FIX THIS TEAM A COMPLETE DO OVER ARE YOU LISTENING MR WILPON YEAH I AM TALKING TO YOU AND YOUR DUMB ASS FATHER WHO THE FUCK MANAGES TO LOSE BILLIONS OF DOLLERS IN A FONZIE SCHEAM ONLY A COMPLETE RETURD THATS WHO AND ANOTHER THING THIS SHIT WITH TEH SAME TEAMS GOING TO TEH PLAYOFFS EVERY YEAR HAS TO STOP THIS IS BAD FOR BASEBALL ESPECIALLY IN THIS ECONOMY PRETTY SOON NOBODY WILL WATCH ANYMOAR

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58. HELLO HELLO MR.WILPAWN

ARE YOU WATCHING THIS GAME? DO YOU SEE TEH RESULTS OF YOUR ACTIONS? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEND MONAY ON OLD PLAYARS AND THEN ARE FORCED TO SIGN CRAPPY PLAYARS TO FILL OUT TEH RASTA YOU NEED TO GET RID OF MIKE PELFERY I DONT CARE IF HE CAN PITCH 500 INNINGS I WOULD RATHER HAVE 100 QUALITY INNINGS THAN 200 SHITTY ONES HOW IMBARRESING IT MUST BE FOR YOU TO PUT THIS TEAM ON TEH FIELD OH WAIT I FORGOT YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT DO YOU WELL LET ME TELL YOU WHAT LETS TALK AGAIN NEXT MAY WHEN TEH STANDS ARE EMPTY BECUASE THAT IS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN UNLESS YOU GROW A PAIR AND GET RID OF THE NON PERFORMERS NO MATTER HOW POPULAR THEY MAY BE AND MAYBE YOU WILL SEE YOUR WAY CLEAR TO SIGN SOME WINNARS MY FRIEND JEROME SAYS HI AND HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING JOHNNY DAMIAN’S CLUTCH AT BATS THIS YEAR

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59. HOLY FUCKING SHIT

NOT EVEN ON THEYRE WAY OUT CAN THIS FUCKING TEAM GET IT RIGHT TO GIVE TEH FANS A LITTLE SOMETHING TO HANG ON TO OVER TEH WINTAR I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT WITH THAT PLAY AND THEN CRAPUANO HAS TO GROOVE ONE TO JACK BRUCE SERIASLY THIS IS SUCH BULLCRAP I AM GLAD THIS WILL BE OVER TOMORROW OH AND SPEKAING OF TOMORROW DID YOU GUISE HERE THAT MIKE FRANCISCO WILL BE IN THE BOOTH WITH HOWIE AND WHINE STARTING IN THE 5TH INNING I HEAR HE WILL ACCEPT QUESTIONS FROM TEH CALLERS AND PASS TEH BEST ONES TO HOWIE AND WHINE TO ANSWER ON AIR I MAY CALL JUST TO ASK WHY

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60. WELL FOLKS THIS MAY BE MY LAST IN-SEASON RANT

BUT NOT TO WORRY I WILL HAVE PLENTY TO SAY DURING TEH OFFSESEN STARTING WITH TEH PLAYOFFS BUT I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWERD TO CURLING SEASEN THAT SPORT IS SO ENTERTAINING ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU PLAY WITH WOMEN AND THAT IS BECUASE THEY HAVE TO BEND OVER TO THROW TEH STONE AND SOMETIMES YOU GET A GOOD LOOK YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING BUT ANYWAY BACK TO BASEBALL I HATE ALL TEH TEAMS THAT ARE GOING TO TEH DANCE BUT I WILL HAVE TO ROUTE FOR TEXAS BECAUSE YOU KNOW JUAN HAMILLTON OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS PLAYES THE GAME THE RIGHT WAY AND YOU HAVE TO LIKE A GUY LIKE THAT NOT LIKE TEH YANKEES OR THE PHILLIES WHO DO EVERYTHING FOR MONAY HAMELTON DOES IT BECUASE HE ONCE HAD A DREAM WHILE STONED AND IN THAT DREAM HE PLAYED TEH BASEBALL AND LOOK WHAT HAPPINED LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL FOLLOW YER DREAMS AND YOU CANT GO WRONG

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61. TEH SEASEN IS TOO SHORT

BACK IN TEH DAY WHEN I LIVED IN CUBA THAT WAS TEH CASE MLB IS SOFT WHEN IT COMES TO THAT AND ANOTHER THING CAN JOSE JUST WIN THE BATTING TITLE ALREADY WITH A CYCLE TODAY I MEAN WHAT ELSE CAN THIS MAN DO TO CONVINCE JEFF AND FRED THAT HE IS WORTH MORE THAN CROACKFORD OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS I MEAN LOOK AT THE RED SOX THEY COLLAPSED WITH HIM JUST LIKE TEH METS COLLAPSED WITH JOSE I WOULD LIKE TO HERE MIKE FRANCISCO’S OPINION ON THIS MATTER PERHAPS HE WILL TELL US TODAY IN THE 5TH INNING WHEN HE JOINS HOWIE AND WHINE HAGAR BUT ANYWAY IF IT WASNT FOR THIS SITE TEH YEAR WOULD HAVE BEAN UNBEARABLE THANK YOU GUISE FOR KEEPING ME ENTEIRTAINED FAR LONGER THAN TEH PLAYARS DID IT WILL BE A LONG COLD LONELY WINTAR BUT SOMETIME AROUND LATE FEBRUARY THE TULIPS WILL COME UP THRU THE SNOW SPRING TRAINING WILL BEGIN AND ALL WILL BE RIGHT WITH TEH WORLD AGAIN

61a. EH - RANT FAIL

* BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I LIVED IN CUBA WE HAD BASEBALL ALL YEAR LONG

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62. I THOUGHT TEH METS WERE PLAYING TEH EARLY GAME

WHO TEH HELL IS IN CHARGE OF TEH POST SEASEN SKEDULLE THIS IS BULLSHIT I GAVE UP GOING TO TEH BAR AFTER WORK JUST SO I COULD WATCH TEH METS BEAT UP ON TEH PIRATES BUT APPARENTLY I WILL HAVE TO WAIT NOW I AM BLAIMING MR. OLDERSAN FOR THIS IF HE HAD ANY BALLS HE WOULD HAVE DEMANDED TEH EARLY GAME BUT NOOOOOO INSTEAD HE IS PROBABLY TOO BUSY FIGURING OUT HOW TO MOVE TEH FENCES IN HELLO HELLO MR. ALDERAAN TEH FENCES ARE FINE TEH WAY THEY ARE WHAT YOU NEED IS NEW PAYARS

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Continue to... fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. I, No. 5 (Postseason, 2011) »

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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