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fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. I, No. 5 (Postseason, 2011)

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. I, No. 5 (Postseason, 2011)

Contents:

63. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT
64. SONOFABITCH
64.5. INSTEAD OF DYNAMIC PRICING
65. TEH NEW YOAK PAPERS ARE GONNA BE COLLECTORS ITEMS
65.5. FIRE TEH COACHES
66. TONIGHT'S RANT =
67. WHAT TEH FUCK (3)
68. AAOP: FADE TO BLACK
69. TEH MOTHERFUKIN SERVERS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY
70. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
71. JEREMY WAS A BULLFROG
72. WOW

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63. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT

TEH RAYS DESTROYD TEH RANGERS, TEH YANKEES ARE HAPPY BECUASE THEY ONLY SEE VERANDLER ONCE, AND ROY HOLIDAY IS LOSING DID SOMEONE MIX ANTIMATTER SOMEWHEAR THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPIN TEH YANKEES AND PHILLIES ARE SUPPOSED TO SWEEP EVERYBODY AND PLAY TO A TIE IN THE WORLD SERIOUS SO THEY CAN BOTH GET TEH RINGZ AND ANOTHER THING WHAT IS IT WITH THESE GAME TIMES I CANT KEEP TRACK OF ANYTHING BECUASE EVERYTIME I THINK I HAVE A WINDOW TO DO SOMETHING THERE IS MOAR BASEBALL TO WATCH AND I AM WATCHING ALL OF IT SOMEHOW BECUASE SOON ENOUGH THERE WILL ONLY BE CRAP TO WATCH SO FOR EXAMPLE TONIGHT I AM GOING OUT WITH FRIENDS (I PAY THEM TO BE MY FRIENDS) AND I WILL DEMAND A CLEAR VIEW TO TEH TV SO THERE

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64. SONOFABITCH

ALL DAY I’VE BEEN BUSY FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO CATCH UP AND I SEE TEH YANKEES ARE LOSING TURN ON THE TV, FIRE UP TEH COMPUTAH, AND WADDAYA KNOW TEH PICHAR STARTS TO SUCK CAN A GUY GET A BRAKE HERE I MEAN MUST I ALWAYS WATCH TEH WRONG TEAM WIN I BLAME THIS ON MR. OLDERSAN IF HE HAD GIVEN US A TEAM WITH SOME COJONES THEN THIS WOULD AT LEAST BE EXCITING

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64.5. INSTEAD OF DYNAMIC PRICING

HOW ABOUT SOME DYNAMIC PLAYARS MR. ALDERSAN ?

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65. TEH NEW YOAK PAPERS ARE GONNA BE COLLECTORS ITEMS

TOMORROW AFTER TEH YANKEES WIN TEH SERIES THATS RIGHT THIS WIN TONIGHT WILL COUNT FOR TWO WINS AND TEH TIGARS WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO FOURFEET THE LAST GAME SO TEH YANKEES CAN GO ON AND MEET THEYRE DESTINY SWEEPING TEH PHILLIES IN TWO GAMES THEN TEH YANKEES WILL TRAVEL TO WASHINGTON AND SHOW TEH GOVERMINT HOW TO FIX TEH ECONOMY IT WILL BE EASY TO DO ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS RAISE TEH TICKET PRICES FOR TEH BASEBALL GAMES AND THE EXTRA INCOME WILL PAY FOR TEH LUXURY TAX AND AS WE ALL KNOW TEH LUXURY TAX IS WHAT HAS THIS ECOMONY ALL MESSED UP AND NOW THAT CRISTY IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDANT WE NEED SOME ACTION AND WHO BETTAR TO DO IT THAN OUR HEROES YOU KNOW WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT IF ANYBODY CAN DO IT THE GRANDYMAN CAN

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65.5. FIRE TEH COACHES

AFTER ALL IT IS THEYRE FAULT TEH PLAYERS DID NOT PERFORM

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66. TONIGHT'S RANT =

STEVE JOBS

iRIP

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67. WHAT TEH FUCK (3)

IT IS AUTOMATICK EVERY TIME I ROOT FOR A TEAM THEY SUCK I WAS ROOTING FOR TEH TIGGERS BECUASE DETROIT COULD USE A BRAKE AND THEY LOSE I ROOT FOR THE MILKWALKEES BECUASE I HATE THE CARDINELS AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS I TELL YOU I AM CURSED AND ANOTHER THING I GOT THIS NEW iPHONE AND WHAT A DISASTER HELLO HELLO MR. JOBS CAN YOU STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE DEAD AND FIX THIS PIECE OF SHIT I MEAN REALLY I HAVE TO CHARGE TEH BATTARY EVERY DAY WHAT TEH FUCK IS THAT MY OLD BLACKBERRY LAST ME 3 DAYS BETWEEN CHARGES DONT TELL ME THAT PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS DRAINS TEH BATTARY THIS IS BULLSHIT BUT ANYWAY BACK TO TEH BASEBALL I AM GLAD DERAK JETTAR IS NOT IN THE WORLD SERIOUS BECUASE I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE WITH TEH EDGE COMMERCIALS I GUESS WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH POOHOLES WITH TEH VITAMIN WATER OR WHATEVER TEH FUCK HE IS PUSHING

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68. AAOP: FADE TO BLACK

AH SO YOU GUISE THINK YOURE AAOPs ARE GOOD WELL LET ME TELL YOUS SUMPTHIN YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET - CHECK THIS OUT

FIRST THINGS FIRST......GET RID OF TEH MANAGER...OH WAIT, THEY ALREADY EXTENDED HIM...FINE I GUESS WE ARE STUCK WITH HIM AND HIS BUNTS.

212673_astros_mets_baseball_extra_large_medium

via cdn0.sbnation.com

OK FINE, SO LETS SEE WHO STAYES AND WHO GOES......

FIRST, I WILL SAY THAT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF HOSAY RAYSS AND HIS BAD FUNDIMENTILS. YEAH HE CAN RUN FAST AND YEAH HE WON A BATTING TITLE, BUT HE AIN'T GOT NO RING, SO TRAID FOR DRAFT PICKS.

NEXT, DAVID WRONG....I AM SURE WE CAN TRAID HIM FOR A COUPLE OF PICHARS SO I WOULD PURSUE TRAIDING HIM TO THE RED SOCKS FOR KEVIN YUCKLIS BECUASE KEVIN HAS BEEN ON A WINNAR AND I LIKE TEH WAY HE HOLDS TEH BAT....IT SAYS I AM GOING TO HURT YOU AS OPPOSED TO THE WAY DAVID WRONG HOLDS HIS BAT WHICH SAYS I AM GOING TO MISS YOU

NOW WE CAN MOVE ON TO TEH BULLPEN.....LOOK....I DONT CARE IF HE PLAYS FOR FREE....I WANT MANNY ACOSTA GONE....EVEN IF IT MEANS BRINGING BACK HELLMAN...I MEAN, HE CAN'T BE MUCH WORSE, RIGHT ?, I AM ALSO INTRIGUED BY THIS FORMICA AWNINGS GUY....I HEAR HE CAN ALSO BE A BAT OFF TEH BENCH SO WE CAN KILL 2 BIRDS WITH ONE CONTRACT.

WE ALSO NEED A LEFTY FOR THE BULLPEN SO GUESS WHAT, WHY NOT TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A MARKETING SPLASH WITH THE OLD FANS LIKE ME, AND SIGN BOTH ARTHUR RHODES AND DARREN OLIVER...JUST THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES.....DAVE HOWARD, I'M LOOKING AT YOU.

FINALLY, THE BENCH......I AM GOING TO GO WITH PAT BURELL BECUASE HE WAS A PHILLIE ONCE, AND HE PROBABLY KNOWS THEYRE SIGNS AND STUFF....ALSO HE CAN HIT HOMARS....ALSO, THIS FELIX PIE GUY COULD COME IN HANDY IN CASE SOMEONE GETS HUNGRY DURING TEH GAME.....AS FOR SPARE PARTS FOR TEH INFIELD, WE CAN TRY TO SIGN LUIS CASTILLO BACK, BUT I DON'T THINK HE WILL WANT TO COME HERE AFTER HE WAS TREATED SO UNFAIRLY BY NEW YORKERS.....HE LOOKS PRETTY MAD STILL

450x362-alg_luis_castillo_medium

via www.nydailynews.com

......SO I GUESS WE WILL HAVE TO PURSUE SOMEONE LIKE JERRY HAIRSTON JR., WHICH COULD BE ANOTHER MARKETING COUP FOR DAVE HOWARD, WHAT WITH 2 BROTHERS PLAYING ON THE SAME TEAM, BUT THAT COULD BACKFIRE IF KEITH IS DRUNK IN THE BOOTH....HE MAY NOT KNOW WHICH BROTHER IS WHICH.

SO THAT IS MY AAPO........I AM TOO LAZY TO DO ALL THE MATH, PLUS MY HEAD HURTS FROM ALL THIS TYPING.

I AM SURE I WILL WIN TEH BIG PRIZE

(Update - decided to make this my official entry - what the hell).

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69. TEH MOTHERFUKIN SERVERS ARE MAKING ME CRAZY

HELLO HELLO ERICK SAMOAN CAN WE GET SOME STABILITY HERE – ITS THE WORLD SERIOUS FOR GOD’S SAKE – OR ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME TEH WILPANS BOUGHT AMAZINAVENUE TO COMPETE WITH METSBLOG AND ANOTHER THING WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF ALL WINTAR THIS COULD BE TEH LAST GAME UNTIL TEH SUN COMES UP AGAIN I MEAN IT IS SUPPOSED TO FUCKIN’ SNOW ON SATURDAY GIMME A BRAKE HERE

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70. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

…WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT FROM 8 AM SATURDAY TO 4 AM EDT SUNDAY…

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN UPTON HAS ISSUED A WINTER STORM WARNING FOR HEAVY WET SNOW…WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM 8 AM SATURDAY TO 4 AM EDT SUNDAY.

  • LOCATIONS…EASTERN PASSAIC AND WESTERN BERGEN COUNTIES.
  • HAZARD TYPES…HEAVY WET SNOW.
  • ACCUMULATIONS…4 TO 8 INCHES OF SNOW.
  • WINDS…NORTH 10 TO 20 MPH WITH GUSTS UP TO 35 MPH.
  • TEMPERATURES…IN THE MID 30S.
  • VISIBILITIES..LESS THAN 1 MILE AT TIMES.
  • TIMING…LIGHT SNOW WILL BEGIN AFTER DAYBREAK SATURDAY…THEN BECOME MODERATE TO LOCALLY HEAVY IN INTENSITY LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON INTO SATURDAY EVENING. THE SNOW WILL THEN TAPER OFF LATER SATURDAY NIGHT.
  • IMPACTS…WIDESPREAD HAZARDOUS TRAVEL CONDITIONS. LOCAL POWER OUTAGES ARE ALSO POSSIBLE DUE TO FALLING TREE LIMBS LADEN WITH THE HEAVY WET SNOW.

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71. JEREMY WAS A BULLFROG

AND NOLEN RAYON WAS A MET – WHICH EXPLAINS WHY TEH RANGERS WILL NEVER WIN TEH BIG ONE – BECUASE MR. RAYON IS TOO BUSY MAKING NICE WITH TEH FORMER PRESIDANT INSTEAD OF GETTING GOOD PLAYARS TO WIN TEH SERIOUS – AND ANOTHER THING THIS MANAGER IS A DAMN JOKE – DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID HE BROUGHT IN TEH GUY WITH THE RECORD FOR OFFSEASON WALKS TO PITCH WITH TEH BASES LOADED – I MEAN – WHAT KIND OF SHIT WAS THAT – SINCE MARCH WE HAVE BEEN HERE FOR THIS DAY – TO SEE A GOOD BASEBALL GAME EVEN IF TWO OTHER TEAMS ARE PLAYING – THAT IS BECUASE OUR TEAM SUCKS AND WOULD NEVER PLAY IN THIS GAME BUT I DIEGRASS – THE POINT IS THAT TEH RANGERS WERE TEH FAVIRITES AND THEY ARE ABOUT TO GO HOME WITH THEIR TAILS BETWEEN THEIR LEGS BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE ANY PICHARS – JUST WATCH MR. OLDERSAN SIGN THIS BJ WILPON GUY – JEFFY PROBABLY THINKS THEY ARE FAMILY OR SOMETHING – I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMOAR – TODAY GAME 7 – TOMORROW SNOW – IN ABOUT 4 MONTHS MORE METS SUCK – I AM READY TO END IT ALL AND JOIN MOOKIE AND HIS CAT OUT IN VIETNAM OR WHEREVER THE FUCK HE IS #$%^%$#

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72. WOW

Bobby V makes Murray Chass Froth At The Mouth

I FEELZ LEFT OUT OF THIS ARGUMANT. MUST BE BECUASE I HAVE A JOB AND A FAMILY TO SUPPORT AND DONT HAVE TEH TIME TO GET INVOLVED IN THESE STIMULATING AND EXCITING EXCHANGES OF TEH INFORMATION, BUT SERIOUSLY WILPON IS RIGHT WE ALL KNOW VALENTWINE IS NOT WORTHY OF MANAGING ONE OF TEH BEST TEAMZ IN TEH BASEBALL WORLD – THE RED SOX – THEY TRUELY ARE WINNARS WHAT AFTER GOING 157 YEARS WITHOUT WINNING THEY FINALLY WON WITH MANNY AND PAPI AND WE KNOW THOSE TWO PLAYARS ARE TEH BEST AROUND IF YOU ARE INTO MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS (NUDGE NUDGE) BUT ANYWAY YOU GUYS SHOULD BE MORE WELCOMING I AM SURE MY GOOD FRIEND WILPON COULD BE A GOOD CONTRIBUTOR IN TEH FUTURE IF HE IS GIVEN A CHANCE.

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Continue to... fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - JeromefromManhattan (2011) »

Continue to... fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. II, No. 6 (Preseason, 2012) »

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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