FanPost

fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. II, No. 7 (April, 2012)

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. II, No. 7 (April, 2012)

Contents:

81. WE ARE LOSING NOW ?
82. HEY YOU GUISE
83. GUISE
84. WHAT A BUNCH OF SHIT (2)
84a. $19 bucks for that t-shirt ??????
85. LET ME SAY A THING OR TWO HERE
86. I TELL YOU GUYS
86a. HELLO HELLO MR CONGRESSMAN
86b. HOLY CRAP
87. WHAT CRAP
88. FUCKIN TELEMARKETEERS
89. I CAN SEE THIS GAME IS A SELL-OUT
90. I STEP AWAY
91. .
92. THIS GAME IS WAY TOO FAST FOR MY ACHING EYES
93. LADIES AND GENTLIMEN

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81. WE ARE LOSING NOW ?

WEIJNEW POIER L POIMF OCM OH ASLKN RU OKNDS O AD ODN AOIH SALMNSF OK ASODNE ,NO A ONAS OSAND MADOFF OKMWSDFOIFN LS RALSKSD POKN NAOKS OISAC OAFR OI KJSC OIDF LAKM SPOKM ASLKHS FJ PAKLM SPOKASCM OSDUFH ,JSNC OASCM OKIMNDF OI $$$$$$$ OKSADF LHJN ADSCPOKFM LIHJFD ASKMS DIH ASLKSA OASDJN SHAKE SHACK, MOTHERFUCKERS.

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82. HEY YOU GUISE

FINALLY TEH BASEBALL SEASUN HAS BEGINNED AND AFTER A FEW INNINGS I AM READY TO CALL IT A YEAR WITH THIS TEAM FAILING TO EXECUTE TEH FUNDIMINTILS I MEAN THEY CANT PLAY GOOD EVEN ON OPENING DAY THIS IS RIDICULAUS NOBODY CAN RUN TEH BASES AND TEH UMPS WANT TO STICK IT IN OUR BUTTS SO WHAT IF THEY SINGED JON NICE AND JUAN SANTANA CAME BACK EVEN IF HE WONT LAST INTO MAY AND WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT OTHER MECKSICAN GUY WE USED TO HAVE WHAT WAS HIS NAME OLIVER SOMETHING OR OTHER BUT ANYWAY IT SURE IS NICE TO SEE MR. WILPON IN THE PREGAME GIVE A TOUR OF TEH NEW WALLS AND SAY SHIT LIKE TEH WALLS ARE BLUE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT TEH FANS WANTED YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WE WANTED ? – YOU TO BE GONE – BUT THAT DID NOT HAPPEN AND WE ARE LEFT HERE TO LICK OUR OWN BALLS LIKE A STRAY DOG WITH FLEAS AND ANOTHER THING THIS LINEUP IS PURE CRAP TOM COLLINS HAS NO CLUE WHAT A BATTING ORDER SHOULD BE I MEAN IF YOU WANT TO GET JAYSEAN BAY’S BAT GOING HE NEEDS TO BAT LEADOFF ITS LOGIC PEOPLE JUST LIKE USING HOT ICE FOR ACHES AND PAINES YOU JUST HEAT UP TEH ICE CUBES AND AWAY YOU GO BUT ANYWAY BACK TO THIS GAME HOW LONG BEFORE MR. OLDERSAN THROWS IN TEH TOWIL AND STARTS TRADING EVERYBODY FOR MINOR LEAGARS PEOPLE I AM GOING TO BE RETIRED SOON I CANT TAKE TOO MUCH MORE OF THIS CRAP I WANT YOU TO HELP ME MAKE A PITITITITION TO MR. OLDERSAN TO GET GOOD PLAYARS IN HEAR SO WE CAN WIN A CHAMPTIONSHIT BEFORE – YOU KNOW – MY LAST THREAD SO LET ME SEE SOME DESIGNS FOR THIS PITITITITION AND MAYBE WE CAN SEND IT IN AS A GROUP HELLO HELLO MR. OLDERSAN WE KNOW YOU READ THIS BLOG HOW ABOUT YOU STOP TRYING TO MAKE MONEY OFF YOUR DOG WITH TEH T-SHIRTS AND TRY TO BUILD US A WINNAR.

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83. GUISE

I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMOAR THIS PELFEREY GUY IS JUST RECYCLED CRAP IN FACT MY RECYCLE BIN HAS MOAR TALANT THAN THIS PICHAR I DONT KNOW WHY WE KEEP GIVING HIM MONAY TO STAY HERE EVERY GAME IS TEH SAME CRAP HE CANT EVEN BEAT TEH NATINALS I SAY WE SEND HIM TO MIAMI SO OSSY GILLIAN CAN ESPLAIN HIM WHY CASTRO WOULD LIKE HIS SINKAR – CASTRO PROBABLY WOULD SAY TEH SINKAR COULD BE USED TO SINK RAFTS THAT MY BROTHAS AND SISTAS USE TO COME TO TEH PROMISED LAND BUT HEY NO POLITICKS AND I AM COOL WITH THAT RULE AS LONG AS MR. OLDERSAN GETS RID OF THIS GUY FOR GOOD AND ANOTHER THING WHAT TEH FUKC IS THIS T-SHIT TUESDAY CRAP I DEMAND T-SHIRTS EVERY DAY YOU CHEAP BASTERDS GIVE TEH FANS A T-SHIRT AND USE TEH MONAY TO BUY GOOD PICHARS INSTEAD OF PAYING DAVE HOWHARD’S MORTGIGE HELLO HELLO MR. COHAN CAN YOU STOP BLOWING SMOKE UP OUR ASS FROM TEH BOOF AND SHUT UP ABOUT TEH NO HITTARS ?

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84. WHAT A BUNCH OF SHIT (2)

FIRST I WAS FEELING SICK AT TEH JOB SO I TOLD MY PHILLIES FAN BOSS THAT HE WAS ON HIS OWN THEN I GET HOME EARLY AND TRY TO TAKE A NAP AND TEH FUCKING LANDSCAPERS SHOW UP TO CLEAN UP MY YARD SO THERE WENT THAT IDEA SO I DECIDE TO LOG ON TO AA AND CHECK ON THAT FANSHOT ABOUT GILLAN AND CASTRO AND IT GIVES ME A HEADACHE AND THEN I REALIZE TEH LANDSCAPARS ARE STILL HERE AND I REALIZE THEY HAVE BEEN STEPPING ON FXCARDEN DOG SHIT SO I CHUCKLE TO MYSELF AND SAY AT LEAST I WILL ENJOY TEH GAME TONIGHT BUT THEN TOM COLLINS PUTS OUT THE WORSE LINEUP EVAR AND HERE WE ARE WITH TEH SEASEN ON TEH LINE ONCE AGAIN THIS GUY DYLAN G IS TEH SUCK WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS WITH THAT BEARD THING HE WOULD BE A PERFACT FIT PLAYING FOR TEH HAVANA TEAM BECUASE AS YOU KNOW DOWN THERE IN MY HOMELAND TEH BEARDS ARE POPULAR BUT ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT WHAT ABOUT THIS CROWD AT SHEATY FIELD WHAT IS IT ABOUT 124 PEOPLE HELLO HELLO MR. OLDERSAN YOU CAN’T GIVE AWAY T-SHIRTS IN THIS WEATHER YOU NEED TO GIVE TEH FANS FUCKING PARKAS OR AT LEAST SHAVE YOUR DOG’S FUR AND MAKE BLANKITS

84a. $19 bucks for that t-shirt ??????

SHIT – I ALREADY USED UP MY RANT

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85. LET ME SAY A THING OR TWO HERE

JIM KANENGRIESER IS CORRECT EXCEPT THAT WE NEVER REALLY STOPPED SUCKING NOT SINCE 2009 IT HAS BEEN A CONTINUIS RUN OF SUCK KINDA LIKE BABY DIARRHEA AND IT SMELLS JUST LIKE IT TOO IT DOES NOT MATTER IF WE HAVE JOHAIN SANTAIN OR ANY OTHER PICHAR THIS LINEUP IS GARBAGE OH POOR BABY DAVID WRONG BROKE HIS LITTLE FINGER BOO HOO HOO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE BROKE HIS LITTLE FINGER – DR. EVIL – BUT HE WENT ON TO CONQUER TEH WORLD WHILE DAVID WRONG GOES ON TO MACYS TO BUY MORE PINK POLO SHIRTS AND THIS FUCKING GUY IKE DAVID I AM READY TO PULL TEH PLUG ON HIM ALREADY WHAT WITH HIM ARGUING WITH TEH UMPIRIS SON YOU NEED TO LEARN TO RESPICT TEH AUTHORITY OF THESE MEN THEY WORK HARD ALL THEIR LIFE SO THEY CAN BE ON TV SO WHY NOT ALLOW THEM TEH CHANCE TO SHINE WITH THEIR CALLS I JUST THINK YOU NEED TO LEARN TO HIT TEH BALL AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT TEH UMPIRIS AND ALSO STOP USING THIS VOLLEY FEVER AS AN EXCUSE I DONT SEE ANYONE FROM TEH PHILLIES USE AN ILLNISS AS AN EXCUSE AND YOU KNOW WHY BECUASE THEY ARE REAL MEN RAISE ON CHEESESTEAKS AND NOT DELICATE LITTLE FLOWERS

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86. I TELL YOU GUYS

I CANT EVEN WATCH A BEISBOL GAME IN PIECE I MEAN IF ITS NOT ONE THING ITS ANOTHER HOW TEH FUCK DO THE ATLANTIS MARLINS HAVE 10 HITS AND ONLY ONE RUN WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SANDY KOOFACKS GREW A GOATEE – I TELL YOU THIS LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN CRAZY FOR ME BUT I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING TEH THREADS AND MISSED BEING HERE BUT TEH FUCKING DOCTORS HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME NOBODY CAN FIGURE OUT A SIMPLE PROBLEM LIKE HOW TO CONTROL MY BLOOD PRESSIRE SO I FINALLY TOLD ONE OF THESE DOCTORS JUST FUCKING LET ME QUIT MY JOB AND TURN ME INTO A CURLING FAN WHERE I DONT HAVE TO WATCH TEH METS AND I WILL BE CURED BUT INSTEAD THEY GAVE ME PILLS THAT HAVE NO GENERICKS AND THEY COST A FUCKING FORTUNE YEAH I AM TALKING TO YOU DAVE HOWARD YOU ARE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS PAL YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING A PHARMACY AND LET SOMEONE MORE QUALIFIED DEAL WITH TEH MARKETING OF MY BELOVED NEW YORK METS JUST THINK OF IT - SNY PUSHES ANTI-SMOKING, AND YOU COULD PUSH DRUGZ TO MAKE IT HAPPEN - ITS A WIN WIN FOR ALL OH AND ANOTHER THING YOU CAN TAKE MANNY MOTHERFUCKING ACOSTA WITH YOU TO MAKE SURE THE BINS ARE PROPERLY STOCKED BECUASE WE ALL KNOW THAT HE CANT BE A PICHAR AND YESTERDY PROVES IT

86a. HELLO HELLO MR CONGRESSMAN

CAN YOU THROW US OLD FARTS A LIFELINE ?

...

86b. HOLY CRAP

I STEP AWAY AND MISS TEH IKE HOMAR

(rant supplemental)

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87. WHAT CRAP

ALL YOURE GUYS ARE THINKING TEH METS WERE GOING TO BE GOOD WELL THERE YOU HAVE IT NOT EVAN TEH GREAT DICKY CAN BEAT TEH LOWELY ATALANTIS BRAVES THIS TEAM IS GOING NOWHERE SO WHAT IF DAVID WRONG GOT AN RBI DARRELL STIRBARRY WAS 10 TIMES TEH PLAYAR AND YOU KNOW WHY BECUASE HE SNORTED COKE DAVID WRONG DRINKS DIET COKE LIKE A GIRL AND ANOTHER THING THIS BULLPEN IS TOTAL SHIT TOP TO BOTTOM I NEED TO FIND ANOTHER SPORT I WAS THINKING BOAT RACING BUT OF COARSE WE ARE IN A DROUGHT AND TEH DAMN RIVAR HAS NO WATER EVEN TEH CATFISH ARE MOVING OUT OF TOWN BUT BACK TO BEISBOL I TELL YOU GUISE I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGAR I CAN MAINTAIN MY POISE WITH THIS TEAM THEY ARE GOING RIGHT THRU .500 ALL THE WAY TO 7-20 AND YOU WILL SEE PANIC AND MR. OLDERSAN WILL TRAID EVERYONE FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND STILL TEH SAME SHIT WILL HAPPIN BECUASE THAT IS OUR LOT IN LIFE.

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88. FUCKIN TELEMARKETEERS

PISS ME OFF TO NO END – NO I DONT WANT TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING SURVEY – NO I DONT WANT TO SIGN UP FOR A MAGAZINE – NO I DONT WANT TO GO ON A CRUISE – ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU FUCKING PEOPLE TO STOP CALLING MY HOUSE AND AGGRAVATE ME AFTER DINNER AND ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM WATCHING THE GODDAMN FUCKING BASEBALL GAME WITH MY FRIENDS (YOU TOO, RUSS) I TELL YOU PEOPLE ANYTHING FOR A BUCK I AM GOING TO START WRITING DOWN THE NAME OF EVERY FUCKING COMPANY THAT CALLS ME AND THEN I AM GOING TO BOYCOTT AND KILL THEM ON TEH INTERNETZ WHO IS WITH ME ?.

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89. I CAN SEE THIS GAME IS A SELL-OUT

AND THERE WILL BE MANY MOAR LIKE THIS IN DAYS TO COME WHAT WITH THE MANIGMINT PUTTING CRAP ON TEH FIELD AND TEH MANAGAR PUTTING TEH TEAM IN TEH BEST POSITION TO LOSE BY STARTING THE WRONG PICHAR AND SITTING YOUR BEST CANADIEN HITTAR AGAINST ONE OF TEH BEST PICHARS EVAR AND ANOTHER THING WE HAVE NO CACHAR THIS GUY JUAN TOLEY HE SUCKS HE CAN’T THROW OUT MY GRANDMOTHER JESUS BLEEPING CHRIST MR OLDERSAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO US THERE AINT NO WAY WE ARE SITTING THRU TWO OF THESE TODAY EXCEPT FOR RUSS WHO WILL PROBABLY BE TOO DRUNK TO NOTICE WHEN ONE GAME ENDS AND TEH OTHER BEGINS BUT THEN HOW WOULD WE KNOW I MEAN ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE UNIFARMS COLERS SO WE CAN TELL WHICH SUCK IS WHICH BECUASE IF THAT IS TEH CASE MAYBE TOM COLLINS SHOULD WEAR NEON YELLOW SO WE CAN SPOT HIM FROM A DISTANCE I USED TO BE A SHARP SHOOTAR IN THE MILITIRY I CAN TAKE HIM OUT AND THEN WE CAN GET A REAL MANAGIR LIKE BOBBY V WHO WILL PROBABLY BE APPLYING FOR UNEMPLOYMENT BINIFITS SOON BUT WAIT I JUST HEARD ON TEH RADIO THAT TEH MONAY IS RUNNING OUT SO FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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90. I STEP AWAY

TO TAKE A SHOWAR AFTER A LONG NON-PRODUCTIVE DAY AND THIS IS WHAT I COME BACK TO ANOTHER DEBACLE I GUESS US NON-ELITE DRUNKS PEOPLE ARE DOOMED TO WATCH THIS CRAP FOR TEH REST OF OUR LIVES NOT LIKE MR. OLDERSAN WHO SPENDS HIS LIFE BEING AN EXECUTIVE AND FEEDING US CRAP SO WE CAN SPEND MONAY AND HE CAN BUY EXPENSIVE JEWELRY FOR HIS DOG WE MIGHT AS WELL MAIL IN THE REST OF TEH SEASEN GUY THIS SHIP WONT GET OFF THE DOCK BEFORE IT SINKS WITH ALL ABOARD I TELL YOU SAVE YOURSELVES AND FIND A BETTAR WAY TO SPEND TEH SUMMER I AM GOING TO HANG OUT WITH ASTROMETS IN SC AND LOOK AT TEH GREEN SKIES ON A TELISCOPE I BET YOU WHAT I SEE WILL BE FAR MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS CRAP AND ANOTHER THING THIS STORM WE HAD OVER TEH WEEKEND MISSED THE BULLSEYE WE SHOULD HAVE HAD A BLIZZERD SO THIS SERIES WOULD HAVE BEEN CANCELLED AND WE COULD LISTEN TO AL CROAKER TELL US ABOUT TEH GLOBAL WARMER HELLO HELLO DAVE HAWERD CAN YOU STOP WITH TEH MARKETING BULLSHIT AND JUST SHOOT YOURSELF IN TEH BALLS

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91. .

JOSAY REYASS IS NOW WITH TEH MARLENS THANKS TO MR. OLDERSAN WHO DECIDID TO NOT MAKE AN OFFAR TO AN ALL STAR AND A BATTING CHAMPTION INSTEAD WE ARE STUCK WITH TEH WRONG PLAYARS IN TEH INFIELD YOU GUYS THINK THIS TEYHADA GUY IS GOING TO REPLACE JOSE YOU ARE DELINQUENTIRIOUS BECUASE JOSAY ALWAYS WAS TEH SPARK THAT LIT TEH FIRE NOW ALL WE HAVE LEFT ARE SMOLDERING RUINS OF WHAT OTHERWISE COULD HAVE BEEN A DECENT TEAM ALL YOU NEEDED TO DO WAS KEEP JOSAY AND PUT TEYHADA AT SECOND BASE WITH MURPHY IN TEH BENCH PUT JASEN BAY’S BRITTLE CANADIEN RIBS ON TEH DL AND PUT NOSENHOSER IN LEFT AND THAT IS JUST FOR STARTERS AND SPEAKING OF STARTERS WE DONT HAVE ANY OF THOSE EITHER BUT ITS OK BECUASE JOSAY IS HAPPY IN MIAMI PLAYING FOR GUILLIAN WHO BY TEH WAY IS A FUCKING COMMUNIST COCKSUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WHAT WITH HIM SUPPORTING CASTRO AND ALL BUT HEY HE APOLLOGUIZED AND IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE OK HELLO HELLO MR GUILLIAN DONT YOU KNOW THAT YOU TOOK YOUR FOOT OUT OF YOUR ASS AND PUT IT DIRECTLY IN YOUR MOUTH HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STICK TO BEISBOL OR BETTER YET WHY DONT YOU MOVE TO FUCKING FRANCE SINCE THEY ARE GOING TO ELECT A SOCIALIST FOR PRESIDANT #$%^&^%$##$ OH AND ANOTHER THING HOW MANY HAMSTRINGS HAS JOSAY PULLED SINCE HE WENT TO SOUTH BEACH NONE THATS RIGHT AND YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE TEH MARLENS DONT HAVE RAY FUCKING RAMIREZ I TELL YOU HE IS THE REASON IKE DAVID GOT THAT DISISEASE ITS FUCKING LOGIC JOSAY IS GONE SO RAMIREZ FOCUSES HIS VOODOO ON THE NEXT YOUNGEST GUY THAT HAS NOT YET BEEN INJURED AND THEN AS SOON AS THAT GUY GOES DOWN HE MOVES ON TO TEH NEXT GUY AND PELFERY JUST HAPPENED TO WALK BY AND I BET YOU HE WILL NEED TOMMY JONES SUGARY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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92. THIS GAME IS WAY TOO FAST FOR MY ACHING EYES

AT FIRST I WAS LIKE … YEAH….THEN I WAS LIKE …. WHOA…..AND NOW I’M JUST DIZZY FROM WATCHING ALL THE OUTS I HAVE NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING LIKE LOOK FOR MS-PAINTZ HELLO HELLO MR. DICKY AND MR. BURLESQUE CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN AND MAYBE ALLOW SOME BASE RUNNARS I MEAN THE COMMERCIAL WITH THE CHICK CLIMBING THE PHALIC ROCK IS RUNNING EVERY 3.63 MINUTES WITH YOU FUCKING GUYS BEING GOOD PICHARS AND SPEAKING OF THAT WHAT A SHAME ABOUT THAT GUY FROM TEH YANKEES I MEAN THEIR SEASEN IS RUINED NOW RIGHT? ANYWAY I AM SURE MR. OLDERSAN WILL MAKE PELFERY AVAILABLE TO HIS FRIEND CASHMEN IN TEH MEANTIME THIS GAME IS MOVING ALONG IN THE TIME IT TOOK ME TO TYPE THIS THERE WERE LIKE 12 OUTS AT THIS RATE I MAY HAVE TO SPEAK TO MY WIFE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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93. LADIES AND GENTLIMEN

WHAT A DISGRACE TEH SPACE SHITTLES HAVE BEEN RETRIED FROM SERVICE AND THIS COUNTRY HAS TO PAY TEH RUSSIANS TO BRING PEOPLE TO SPACE THIS IS NOT TEH WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO END WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A MAN IN URANUS BY NOW BUT NOOOO WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER THINGS LIKE GIVE MONAY TO TEH REBELS IN (INSERT COUNTRY HERE) AND ANOTHER THING HOW COME WE DONT HAVE A REPLACEMINT VEHICLE BEFORE WE RETIRE THIS FINE FLYING MACHINE WHO TEH FUCK IS IN CHARGE OF THIS COUNTRY GODDAMN IT I WANT A SPACE PROGRAM NOW NOT 3 DECADES FROM NOW DID FRED WILPON SOMEHOW BECOME PRESIDANT OF TEH UNITIS STATES AND WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING STUPID I HEARD A WOMAN ASK IF THE SHITTLE WAS GOING TO LAND ON TEH INTERPID HELLO HELLO STUPID WOMAN DONT YOU KNOW SPACESHIPTS NEED A LOT OF ROOM TO LAND BECUASE USUALLY THEY GO REALLY FAST OR PERHAPS WHERE YOU COME FROM THEY HAVE NOT HEARD OF AIRPLAINS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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Continue to... fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. II, No. 8 (May, 2012) »

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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