FanPost

fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. II, No. 8 (May, 2012)

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

fxcarden's Nightly Rant! - Vol. II, No. 8 (May, 2012)

Contents:

94. THIS TEAM IS DONE
95. TEH FUCKEN METS SUCK
96. WELL HEAR WE GO AGAIN WITH TEH SUCK
97. HOLY SHIT PEOPLE
98. THIS GUY PAPILLON
99. HEAR WE GO
100. I WERK HARD ALL MY LIFE
101. JOHAIN SAINTAIN AINT THAT GOOD
102. THIS BULLPAIN SUCKS
103. THIS GAME IS SO BORING
104. SO THE ALL START GAME IS COMING TO CITY FAILED
105. TOM COLLINS IS A COWARD
106. MATT LACTOSE IS NOT A GOOD PICHAR
107. GUYS YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
108. SO I AM TRYEING TO ENJOY TEH NICE WEATHER
108.5. WELL DAVID,
109. SO THIS IS LIFE
110. WE ARE GETTING OWNED BY SOME GUY NAMED MCDONALD
110a. NAH, IT'S OK GUISE
111. GUISE I AM SO PROUD
111.5. ADMIT IT OLDERSAN
112. THIS GAME IS GIVING ME TEH CREEPZ
113. BANNAR DAY
114. HOW TEH FUCK ARE WE LOSING TO THESE COCKROACHES
114a. VISUAL AID
115. LET ME GET THIS OUT OF TEH WAY

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94. THIS TEAM IS DONE

MIGHT AS WELL START FOOTBALL CAMP AT LEAST WE GET TO SEE THAT GUY TEEBONE PLAY QUARTERBACK FOR TEH JETS INSTEAD OF THIS SEWAGE THAT OWNERSHIPT AND MR. OLDERSAN KEEP SENDING OUR WAY ON A NIGHTLY AND SOMETIMES DAILY BASIS I MEAN I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO I AM BATTLING ALL KINDS OF HEALTH ISSUES BUT I STILL MAKE IT TO MOST GAMES TO ROOT FOR MY TEAM BUT WHAT DO MR. ALDERAAN AND TOM COLLINS DO FOR ME THEY GIVE ME FUCKING JUSTIN TURNER BATTING THIRD AND MANNY MOTHERFUCKING ACOSTA BLOWING 3-4 GAMES A WEEK NO WONDER I NEED TEH MEDICATINS THIS LEVEL OF PERFORMINCE IS KILLING ME ONE PITCH AT A TIME HELLO HELLO MR. ALTEREGO CAN YOU FUCKING PUT A TEAM ON TEH FIELD THAT WE CAN WATCH I MEAN LOOK AT TEH ORIALS THEY ARE WINNARS AND YOU KNOW WHY BECUASE DAN DUCKETTS IS THEIR GM AND HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING HE PREDICTED THAT THAT GUY KASHMIR WOULD NOT PITCH FOREVER AND HE WAS RIGHT

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95. TEH FUCKEN METS SUCK

WE ARE ABOUT TO BE SWEEPED BY TEH ASSTROS TEH WORST TEAM EVAR I MEAN THEY ARE SO BAD THEY ARE BEING SENT TO THE AMIRICAIN LEEAG JUST TO GET THEM OUT OF THIS LEAGUE OF COARSE WE HAVE TO LOSE TO TEHM IN A LAST DEECH ATTIMPT TO KEEP TEHM AROUND FOR TEH PLAYOFFS EXCEPT THAT THERE WILL BE NO PLAYOFF FOR US JUST WAIT UNTIL WE PLAY THE ARIZONER SCUMBAGS LATER IN TEH WEEK WE ARE GOING TO GET OUT ASSES HANDED TO US WHILE MR. OLDERSAN PLAYS GOLF WITH HIS DOGGIE AND ANOTHER THING WHAT IS IT WITH THIS OBAMA GUY GOING TO AFGHAYSISUTEN IN TEH MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HELLO HELLO MR. PRESIDANT DON’T YOU KNOW TEH SECRAT SERVICE HAS A 10 PM CURFEW #$$#!#$$##$#

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96. WELL HEAR WE GO AGAIN WITH TEH SUCK

THIS PICHAR IS THROWING BATTING PRACTEZ AND I CANT WATCH ANYMOAR THAT GUY TKFJ ALL HE HAS TO DO IS TYPE GAME OVER BEFOAR TEH FIRST PITCH AND HE IS RIGHT MORE THAN HALF TEH TIME WHICH IS PRETTY IMPRISSEIV FOR YOU STAT PEOPEL THERE SHOULD BE A NAME FOR THAT STAT HOW MANY TIME CAN TKFJ BE RIGHT AND HE SHOULD GET SOME PRIZE AT TEH END OF TEH YEAR AT LEAST SOMEONE WILL WIN SOMETHING BECUASE WE KNOW TEH METS AINT WINNING SHIT AND ANOTHER THING HOW COME MORINIO RIVIERA DOESNT GET TREATED BY RAY RAMIREZ MD™ SO WE CAN CLOSELY FOLLOW HIS PROGRESS AND YES NETWORK HAD MORONIO’S INJURY ON TV SO NOT TO BE OUTDONE SNY TOLD IKE DAVID TO TWIST HIS ANKEL SO THEY CAN GET TEH RATINGZ FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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97. HOLY SHIT PEOPLE

WE CANT EVEN GET TEH FRIST INNING RIGHT DOES ANYBODY REALIZE THAT TEH PHILOLLIES ARE IN LAST PLACE HOW CAN JUAN NOSE ALLOW THEM TO SCOAR A RUN ALREADY AND NOW WE HAVE TO FACE DUCK HOLIDAY WHO IS LIKE TEH BEST PICHAR EVAR WE ARE SO DEAD AND ANOTHER THING WHY DID TEHADAY FALL ON HIS FACE YESTERDY I MISSED TEH GAME BECUASE I WENT ON A MISSION TO A SECURE UNDICKSCLOSED LOCATIN LIKE TEH POLITICKANS DO SOMETIMES BUT THAT IS ENOUGHT OF THAT I TELL YOU JOSAY RAYASS WOULD NOT HAVE FALLEN DOWN LIKE THAT BECUASE HE WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN TO FRIST BASE LEAVING HIS HAMSTERING IN TEH BATTAR’S BOX BUT THAT IS ALSO IN TEH PAST BECUASE HE PLAYS FOR TEH MARLENES NOW AND THIS GUY IKE DAVID HE NEEDS TO GO BACK TO A-BALL BECUASE HE SUCKS RIGHT NOW AND WE PROBABLY COULD BRING BACK THAT GUY WITH TEH HELMUT WE USED TO HAVE WHAT WAS HIS NAME JUAN OLE RUDE OR SOMETHING HELLO HELLO MR. HOWERD CAN YOU SPEAK TO MR OLDERSAN AND GET US SOME PLAYARS THAT CAN HELP WITH TEH MARKETEERING OF THIS TEAM I AM SICK OF LOOKING AT VIEW FROM YOAR SEAT THAT SHOW AN EMPTY STADIEM

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98. THIS GUY PAPILLON

LOOKS LIKE A RETARD WITH THAT THING HE DOES WITH HIS LIPS HE IS A PERFICT FIT FOR PHILLY BECUASE THEY ARE ALL MUTANTS OVER THERE TRUST ME I GO THERE OFTEN AND YOU KNOW WHAT IS STRANGE MY BOSS OFTEN TELLS ME NOT TO GO OUTSIDE ALONE ESPECIALLY WHILE WEARING A METS JACKIT WHAT TEH FUCK THIS IS AMERICAN PEOPLE I CAN WEAR ANYTHING I WANT SO WHAT IF JUSTEN TURNAR WEARS TEH SAME THING IT DOESNT MEAN I SUCK IT JUST MEANS HE DOES

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99. HEAR WE GO

LAST NIGHT A NICE GAME TONIGHT A SHIT GAME THIS IS TEH STORY OF THIS TEAM BECUASE NOBODY CAN EVER PUT IT ALL TOGETHER IF ITS NOT TEH PLAYARS SUCKING ITS THE FRONT ORIFICE FALLING ASLEEP AT TEH WHEAL IN TEH MEANTIME SOMEONE LEFT TEH GATE OPEN AND ALL THE WINS ESCAPED AND WENT TO TEH BRONCKS WHERE TEH WINNERS LIVE AND TO THINK ONLY YESTERDY I WAS THINKING ABOUT GOING TO A GAME AND GIVE MY MONAY TO TEH METS WELL FUCK THAT SHIT IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN YOU HEAR ME MR. OLDERSAN YOU AINT GETTING A PENNY FROM ME YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND KEEP BRINGING US BATISTA AND ALL THOSE OTHER GUYS AND I WILL KEEP ON RANTING UNTIL ONE OF US BLINKS AND ANOTHER THING YOU KNOW THOSE UNDERWEAR BOMBS THEY JUST FOUND YOU SHOULD STICK ONE IN YOUR PANTS AND BLOW YOURSELF UP BECUASE YOU HAVE NO BALLS #$%^&&&^%$##

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100. I WERK HARD ALL MY LIFE

AND NEVER GET TO MEET ANYBODY IMPORTENT I MET KATHY LEE ONCE AND SHE WAS A COMPLETE BITCH JUNIOR GOES TO TEH YANKEES FOR FREE AND MEETS DOC GOODAN WHAT AM I DONIG WRONG OH WAIT I KNOW I SPEND MY LIFE IN A VIRTUAL ROOM PRETINDING I AM MAKING A DIFFIRANCE WHAT A FUCKTARD I AM OH WAIT I ALSO MET DAVE MURRAY FROM IRON MAIDEN ONCE AND HE WAS A LITTLE SHY AND SPOKE FUNNY SO WE DIDNT BECOME BEST FRIENDS OR ANYTHING BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT WHAT ABOUT THOSE DEVILS BEING WINNARS OVER TEH FRYERS I SPENT ALL DAY TROLLING MY BOSS TODAY AND HE DID NOT APPRECIATE ME TOO MUCH BUT BACK TO BASEBALL HELLO HELLO MR. OLDERSAN CAN YOU TRAID JUSTAN TURNIR FOR JOSE HAMILTEN OF TEH POWER RANGERS I AM SURE WITH YOUR SKILL YOU CAN WORK OUT A DEAL AND WE CAN GET SOME MUCH NEEDED POWAR WHILE THE RANGARS GET A NICE UTILITY GUY

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101. JOHAIN SAINTAIN AINT THAT GOOD

HE IS LOOSING TO TEH MARLENES I STAYED AWAY ON PORPOISE TO SEE IF TEH BLACK CLOUD THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE WITH TEH GREEN SKY WOULD STAY AWAY FROM TEH METS BUT TEHN I RELIAZED THAT TEH WALLS ON THIS STADIUM ARE GREEN SO WHAT IS TEH POINT MIGHT AS WELL JOIN I MEAN I JUST GAVE TEH METS A TON OF MONAY BUYING TICKETS FOR ONE OF THERE GAMES IN JUNE SO YEA DAVE HOWARD FUCKED ME AGAIN FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I THOUGHT I WAS BUYING TICKETS TO SEE PUJALS AND TEH CARDINELS BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY TRAIDED PUJALS FOR BELTRAIN AND NOT I AM STUCK WATCHING THAT LOSER HELLO HELLO MR. OLDERSAN WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE THIS TRAID WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE LAST YEAR

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102. THIS BULLPAIN SUCKS

I TELL YOU PEOPLE I THOUGHT THIS GAME WAS IN TEH BAG BUT AFTER A LONG HARD DAY OF GARDENING THANKS TO MY WIFE AND MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERS DAY I FINALLY TURN TEH GAME ON AND AM PLEASINTELY SURPRISED THAT WE ARE WINNING, SO I JUMP IN TEH SHOWER AND 2 MINITES LATER BOOM TEH GAME IS TIE THIS IS NO WAY TO RUN A RAILROAD PEOPLE WE NEED WINNARS ALL OVER THE PLACE STARTERS BENCH AND BULLPAIN THIS IS NOT ACCEPTIBLE AND I DEMAND THE RESIGNATION OF ALL RESPONSIBLE OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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103. THIS GAME IS SO BORING

I THINK I HAVE REACHED TEH END OF TIME AND STARTED MY TRIP BACK IN TIME INTO MY MOTHER’S WOMB I SWEAR IT IS FEAST OR FAMINE WITH THIS TEAM AND SPEAKING OF WHICH I GOT A CALL FROM TEH MARKETEERING DEPARTMINT RUN BY DAVE HOWHARD AND THEY PROMISED ME THAT IF I BUY SEASEN TICKITS FOR NEXT YEAR THEY CAN GET ME ANYWHERE IN TEH STADIUM SO I SAID PUT ME IN TEH DUGOUT AND I WILL SHOW HOW IT IS DOEN BECUASE WITH TEH CURRENT LEADERSHIPT WE AINT GOING NOWHERE I MEAN I WOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED FRANK WALKCISCO TO BEHAVE IN THAT MANNER YESTERDY AND ALSO MANNY ACOSTA WOULD HAVE BEEN AT TEH AIRPORT WAITING FOR HIS FLIGHT TO AFGHANISTEIN BECUASE I HEAR TARGIT PRACTICE IS POPULAR OVER THERE SO WHO BETTAR TO THROW IT THAN HIM

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104. SO THE ALL START GAME IS COMING TO CITY FAILED

WHOOP-DEE-FUCKING-DO I BET DAVE HOWHARD IS ALREADY SALIVATING AT THE INFUSION OF MONAY HIS MARKETEERING SKILLS WILL BRING TO TEH METS WELL AT LEAST WE WILL GET TO SEE GOOD PLAYARS ALL AT ONCE INSTEAD OF TEH CRAP THAT THIS ALBERTSON GUY KEEPS BRING HERE I MEAN WE HAVE A CACHAR NAMED NICK’S ASS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD NO WONDER THE HOME PLATE UMP DOESN’T GIVE FRANK WALKCISCO THE CALLS I MEAN WHO WANTS TO SQUAT BEHIND NICK’S ASS ESPECIALLY LATE IN TEH GAME WHEN IT IS ALL SWEATY AND STUFF AND ANOTHER THING THIS GAME IS TOAST THIS PICHAR GRANKEY IS GOOD HE THROWS STRIKES AND STUFF NOT LIKE OUR PICHARS WHO ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO FOLL TEH BATTARS BUT ANYWAY DID YOU HEAR ABOUT HOW TEH GUY FROM JP MORGE LOST 2 BILLION DOLLERS AND THEY STILL PAY HIM 23 MILLION SALARY I MEAN FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
HELLO HELLO MR BANKER CAN YOU STOP STEALING PEOPLES MONAY AT LEAST YOU CAN GIVE SOME TO MR ALBERTSON SO HE CAN BRING US GOOD PLAYARS

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105. TOM COLLINS IS A COWARD

FOR TAKING OUT DAVID WRONG LAST NIGHT BOOOO-HOOO-HOOO THEY WERE GOING TO THROW AT MY ONE GOOD PLAYAR SO I HAD TO PROTECKT HIM EXCEPT THAT ALL THESE PLAYARS ARE MEMBERS OF AN POWERFUL ONION AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS WORD GETS AROUND AND THEN ONE MEMBER TELLS TWO MEMBERS AND THEY TELL TWO MEMBERS AND SO ON AND SO ON AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT EVERYBODY WANTS TO THROW AT DAVID WRONG JUST TO SEE IF TOM COLLINS WILL TAKE HIM OUT OF TEH GAME AND ANOTHER THING HOW COME WE NEVER LET BELTRAIN BAT SECOND LOOK AT WHAT HE IS DOING IN OKLAHOMA OR WHEREVER THE FUCK HE WOUND UP I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM WIN THE HOMER RUN DERBY AND SHOVE IT UP MR. SANDALSON’S ASS HELLO HELLO MR. SANDALSON YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT TEH OTHER GOOD PLAYAR YOU HAD SO THAT WE COULD SCOAR RUNZ INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT WHO LEFT TEH GODDAMN GATE OPEN

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106. MATT LACTOSE IS NOT A GOOD PICHAR

I CAN’T BELIEVE WE HAVENT SCOARED LIKE 12 RUNS OFF THIS GUY IF THIS WAS THE 1986 TEAM WE WOULD HAVE ENDED TEH GAME WITH MERCY RULE ALREADY THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT AND IT ALL STARTED WHEN TOM COLLINS PULLED DAVID WRONG FROM TEH LINEUP NOW EVERYBODY THINKS THEY ARE GOING TO GET HIT AND THEY ARE AFRAID OF TEH BASEBALL THIS TEAM HAS NO MARBLES WHATSOEVAR AND ANOTHER THING DID YOU HEAR THAT DON SUMMERS DIED TODAY I CANT BELIEVE IT REST IN PIECE YOUR WERE A GOOD SINGAR AND I GOT DOWN WITH YOUR SONGS MANY TIME WHEN I WAS YOUNGAR OF COURSE NOW THOSE SONGS ARE OLD SCHOOL AND NOBODY LIKES THEM EVERYONE LIKES LADY GAG-ME INSTEAD BUT HEY THAT IS LIFE SOME COME, SOME GO, AND TEH METS NEVER WIN

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107. GUYS YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND

I MISSED LAST NIGHT’S GAME DEBACLE BECUASE I HAD A DINNER DATE AND BOY WAS I RELIEVED WHEN I HEARD TEH SCOAR PISSED OUT ALL THAT BEER AND THEN THIS MOARNING I HAD TO DO TEH ERRANDS YOU KNOW GET UP EAT SCRATCH MYSELF IN STRATEGIC PLACES AND THEN DO SOME YARD WORK AND JUST WHEN I WAS GOING TO SETTLE DOWN TEH MRS YOU KNOW SHE LOBBY FOR SHOPPING TRIP SO I CANT BE HEAR TODAY BUT IT DOESNT MATTER BECAUSE BATTTISTER IS TEH PICHAR AND THAT WONT END WELL FOR ANYBOBY AT LEAST JR HAD TEH RIGHT IDEA AND WENT TO SEE TEH FOO FIGHTARS BUT NOT ME NO WAY AN OLD GUY LIKE ME WILL STAND WITH 100,000 DRUNKS ALL DAY TO SEE DOTS IN TEH DISTENCE SO I WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY AFTERNOON AND FUCK DAVE HOWHARD

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108. SO I AM TRYEING TO ENJOY TEH NICE WEATHER

AND TRYING TO BE OUTSIDE ON MY DECK WITH TEH iPUKE DEVICE FROM APPLE AND MY NEIGHBOR’S TREE IS RAINING POLLIN ON ME AND I MEAN EVERYTIME THE BREEZE BLOWS THERE IS A CLOUD OF GREEN SHIT FLYING OFF TEH TREE SO I COME INSIDE AND DECIDE TO CHECK ON MY VACATION RENTAL IN THE OUTER BANKS AND I SEE THERE IS A TROPICAL STORM NAMED ALBERT AND GOOD THING THEY NAMED IT THAT BECUASE IT IS WEAK LIKE PUJOLS I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY DID HE GET TREATED BY RAY RAMIREZ MD™ OR WHAT AND ANOTHER THING BACK TO THE POLLEN I AM SO GLAD I SPENT 2 HOURS YESTERDY WASHING THE CARS BECUASE NOW THEY ARE BOTH COVERED IN GREEN SHIT FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU WELL AT LEAST TEH METS ARE WINNING EVEN IF IKE DAVID CANT RUN WORTH A SHIT THIS GUY NEEDS TO GO TO TEH MINORS AND LEARN HOW TO PLAY TEH GAME IN FACT WE SHOULD TRAID HIM TO TEH YANKEES FOR NICK SWISHAR

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...

...

108.5. WELL DAVID,

IF YOU WERE WIN METHOD AND HIT DOUBLES WHEN IT COUNTS INSTEAD OF STRIKING OUT MAYBE MR. OLDERSAN WOULD KEEP YOU BUT I AM SURE HE WILL TRAID YOU FOR TWO SPANISH PICHARS AND SIGN NICK SWISHAR

( I just made a rhyme at the end – go figure )

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109. SO THIS IS LIFE

I AM HEAR WITH TEH REST OF MY STAT NERD FRIENDZ AND MY WIFE IS HOOKED

WATCHING SOME CUBAN GUY ON DANCING WITH TEH STARZ AND I JUST MISSED HITTING A BLACK BEAR ON MY WAY HOME I ACTUALLY NEVER SAW IT BUT MY WIFE SCREAMED AND I SLOWED DOWN AND TEH LITTLE FUCKER RAN ACROSS TEH ROAD I TELL YOU PEOPLE IF ITS NOT BEARS ITS HAWKS OR COYOTES I MIGHT AS WELL MOVE TO JELLYSTONE BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT HOW ABOUT FRANKOEIR AND HIS ROYELS BEATING TEH YANKEES HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF TEH SKY OPENED UP AND THEY WON A SHORT GAME BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT WHAT ABOUT THESE BUMS PROTESTARS TAKING OVER CHICAGO AND YELLING AT TEH PRESIDANT AND OUR ALLYS FROM OTAN HELLO HELLO PEOPLE OF CHICAGO CAN YOU GET JOBS SO YOU CAN SUPPORT YOUR CUBS WHO HAVENT WON A GAME IN 105 YEARS !!!!!!

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110. WE ARE GETTING OWNED BY SOME GUY NAMED MCDONALD

I WOULD PREFER TO BE OWNED BY WENDY BECUASE SHE IS HOT AND JUICY AND SPEAKING OF WHICH WHEN IS IKE DAVID GOING TO GET HOT I MEAN THIS GUY IS OWLFUL WITH ALL TEH STRIEKOUTS AND SHIT JUST SEND HIM DOWN ALREADY AND PUT TURNAR OR MURPHAY AT FRIST BASE AND TEH OTHER GUY AT SECOND BASE BATTING SECOND I MEAN WE DONT HAVE MUCH ROOM FOR ERROR HERE WITH THIS DIVISION BEING SO TIGHT SO WHY ARE WE KEEPING AN AUTOMATIC OUT IN TEH LINEUP MR. TOM COLLINS YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND TELL MR. OLDERSAN THAT THIS IS TEH WAY FORWARD HERE MAYBE IKE CAN SPEND TIME WITH THAT WOMAN THAT GOT THE PLANE DIVERTED TODAY AND SHE CAN SURGICALLY IMPLANT SOME HITS INTO HIS BAT

...

110a. NAH, IT'S OK GUISE

HELLYEAHGARYOAK IS RIGHT, AND I DONT WANT TO MAKE HIM MAD BECUASE HIS BROTHER IS HELLYEAHTICKETOAK AND I WANT HIM TO HELP ME OUT WHEN TEH PLAYOFFS COME

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111. GUISE I AM SO PROUD

THAT THE ENCYCLEPEDIER RANTANICA HAS FINALLY COME OUT I CANT THANK MY PUBLISHAR SJ876543212345678 ENOUGH THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING JUST LIKE TEH METS WINNING ANYTHING I THINK I WILL DIE AND MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY WILL BE PUBLISHED BEFOAR THIS TEAM WINS ANYTHING I MEAN IKE DAVID IS HITTING LIKE WHAT .100 ? AND THEY STILL CANT SEND HIM DOWN TO TEH LITTLE LEAGUES AND YOU KNOW WHY BECUASE THERE IS NOBODY THERE TO REPLACE HIM HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT AND ANOTHER THING DID YOU HEAR THAT TEH YANKEES MAY BE FOR SALE I SAY WE ALL CHIP IN AND BUY THEM SO WE CAN FIRE JETAR AND HIS EDGE AND I PERSONALLY WANT TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK THAT MIRROR OVER ALEX FRAUDRIGUEZ’ HEAD AND THEN SHOVE TEH UNICORN UP HIS ASS BUT I WOULD KEEP NICK SWISHAR BECUASE HE IS FULL OF GRISSION AND WE NEED MOAR PLAYARS LIKE THAT INSTEAD OF GUISE LIKE IKE DAVID OH AND ANOTHER THING SOME GUY CALLED MIKE FRANCOEUR ON WFAN TODAY AND SAID IF TEH METS SWEEP TEH PADRIS AND GO 8 OVER .500 CITI FIELD IS GOING TO BE PACKED FOR TEH PHILLIES AND CARDINELS I DIDN’T CATCH TEH CALLAR’S NAME BUT I JUST KNOW IT HAD TO BE THAT FUCKING DAVE HOWHARD TRYING TO DRUM UP BUSINESS BUT HE DOESNT REALIZE THAT WE HAVE SOME GUY NAMED JEREMIAH HUF’NPUFF PITCHING AND FINALLY ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO USE THIS RANT TO THANK ALL TEH TROOPS ON THIS MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND WHO MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR A MORAN LIKE ME TO DO STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS IN FREEDOM AND FOR YOU NERDS TO LAUGH AT MY STOOPID JOKES NEXT PERSON THAT COMPLAINS ABOUT LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GETS KICKED IN TEH BALLS BY ME

SEMPER FI, MOTHERFUCKERS

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...

111.5. ADMIT IT OLDERSAN

YOU LISTENED TO MIKE FRANCISCO ON WFAN AND HE TOLD YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO AND ALSO YOU TOOK TEH ADVICE OF CTREFJAY FROM MASSAPEQUA AND RUSS FROM MANHATTEN

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112. THIS GAME IS GIVING ME TEH CREEPZ

WE DONT HAVE A LARGE ENOUGH LEAD TO BE COMFORTABLE AND TEH BULLPAIN DOESNT EXACTLY INSPIRE CONFIDANCE HELLO HELLO MR. SANDALSON CAN YOU GET SOME PICHARS FOR TEH BULLPAIN OR AT LEAST GET SOME STARTERS THAN CAN GO 8 INNINGS AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE PISSES ME OFF TODAY THESE PEOPLE DRIVING ON TEH ROADS TODAY IT WAS CRAZY WITH ALL THESE JERSEY PEOPLE THINKING THEY WERE MORE SUMMERY THAN EVERYONE ELSE BLASTING BRUCE SPRINGCHICKEN ON THERE RADIOS IT WAS SO LOUD I COULD NOT HEAR MIKE FRANCOEUR IMPART HIS HOCKEY WISDOM AND TO TOP IT OFF I HAVE TO DRIVE DOWN TEH SHOAH TOMORROW TO VISIT A FRIEND WHO IS IN BIG TROUBLE TEH FIRST DUMBASS THAT CUTS ME OFF ON TEH PARKWAY IS GOING TO GET PAINTBALLED AT HIGH SPEED LIKE THOSE CARS THAT WERE ESCORTED BY TEH TROPPARS AND CONGRATS TO SPACE-X FOR SENDING A HOME BUILT ROCKIT TO TEH SPACE STATION THOSE GUISE UP THERE THEY NEED FOOD AND STUFF AND WE CANT RELY ON TEH RUSSIANS BECUASE THEY ARE FRIENDS WITH OZZY GILLAN FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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113. BANNAR DAY

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME NONE OF THESE BANNARS WERE ANY GOOD TEH ONLY BANNAR THAT WOULD HAVE MADE SENSE WOULD HAVE BEEN HELLO HELLO MR. OLDERSAN WE WANT TEH MANSION NOT TEH CONDO BUT OF COARSE I COULD NOT BE THERE TODAY BECUASE THESE TICKETS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE PLUS I AM ALREADY GOING NEXT WEEK AND ITS NOT LIKE MY NAME IS DONELD TRAMP OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT AND ANOTHER THING ITS SOFA KING HOT I WENT OUTSIDE TO SCURB MY DECK AND ALMOST HAD A STROKE I BLAME AL GOAR FOR THIS WE HAVE TROPICKEL STORMS ALREADY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL WHAT IS UP SHOULD BE DOWN AND WHAT IS LEFT SHOULD BE RIGHT I AM WATCHING MY ELECTRICK METER SPIN LIKE CRAZY AS THE AIR CONDITIONER BLASTS SOME COOL CANADIAN AIR MAYBE I CAN BECOME FRIEND WITH JASEN BOY AND HE CAN HOOK ME UP WITH A PERMANINT SUPPLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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114. HOW TEH FUCK ARE WE LOSING TO THESE COCKROACHES

AND WHY IS IT SO HOT THESE ARE TEH QUESTIONS THAT A QUALIFICATED GENERAL MANAGER SHOULD BE ABLE TO ANSWER BUT NOT OUR GUY BECUASE HE IS IN HIS AIR CONDITIONER SWEET WITH HIS DOG EATING FREE HOTDOGS PROVIDED BY DAVE HOWHARD AND NOW HE HAS TO GET ON TEH PHONE TO SEE IF HE CAN TRAID FOR JOSAY REYAS ALREADY AND ANOTHER THING THIS GUY JOHN NICE HE ISNT THAT GOOD HE CANT EVEN PLAY IN TEH HEAT I BET YOU THAT WILL BE TEH EXCUSE WHEN THE GAME IS OVER IT WAS TOO HOT WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU MISTER YOU BETTER START THINKING ABOUT PLAYING IN THE ALASKA PENAL LEAGUE BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO WIND UP UNLESS YOU START PITCHING LIKE A MILLINAIR AND FINALLY EVERYONE SHOULD BE MADE AWARE THAT IF YOU LEAVE TEHE GATE OPEN ALL TEH AIR CONDITIONING WILL ESCAPE AND YOU WILL SWEAT LIKE A PIG

114a. VISUAL AID

FUCK EM ALL

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115. LET ME GET THIS OUT OF TEH WAY

THIS HEAT IS MAKING ME CRAZAY PEOPLE I TELL YOU MY CAR SAID 101 DEGREES TODAY WHEN I LEFT WORK AND I BURNED MY ASS ON THE FINE CORINTHIAN LEATHER SEAT SO I SAY A BIG FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU TO AL ROCKER THAT FAT BASTERD HIM AND AL GOAR ARE TO BLAME FOR THIS SHIT MEANWHILE IN TEH MIDDLE EAST IT NEVER RAINS AND THAT IS WHY THERE IS ALWAYS A WAR GOING ON EVERYBODY THINKS IT IS OVER OIL BUT IT ACTUALLY IS OVER WATER DUMB PEOPLE SHOULD MOVE TO TEH CARIBAIN THERE IS LOTS OF WATER THERE PRESIDANT BUSCH TRIED TO GET IT STARTED BY SENDING SOME OF THOSE FOLKS TO CUBA BUT I HEAR THEY DONT LIKE IT MUCH OVER THERE AND WANT TO GO BACK BUT ANYWAY BACK TO BASEBALL WITH TEH UPCOMING SCKEDULE WE ARE FUCKED UNLESS MR. OLDERSAN HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS DECIDES TO GET US SOME PICHARS AND DID YOU HEAR HE SAID OMAR DID A NICE JOB IN TEH LITTLE LEAGUES WHAT TEH FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE THAT COMES UP IS A FUCKING SCRUB HEY SANDY STOP SUCKING UP TO DAVE HOWHARD AND ACT LIKE A GM WILL YA ?. JEEEZ

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(To be continued...)

Vol. I: No. 1 | No. 2 | No. 3 | No. 4 | No. 5 | JfM (2011)

Vol. II: No. 6 | No. 7 | No. 8 | No. 9 | No. 10 | ... | JfM (2012)

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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