AAOP: The Lorax Does Meth, Becomes our GM

The goal: A 2015 playoff appearance, while establishing a pipeline for awesomeness for a decade to come. The plan? Here we go.

1) Non-tenders: Scott Atchison, Omar Quintanilla, Justin Turner, and that thing Justin Turner calls a beard.

Atchison is one of many guys I'd considered bringing in for the $700k he was paid, but there's no reason to commit to him at this point. Quintanilla is entirely useless except perhaps for building a team of guys where you have one guy for every letter of the alphabet (except X).

I originally was Justin Turner because he's my son's favorite player. My son met him one day and Turner spent like ten minutes listening to him talk about everything from the color of the dirt to why there were so many stitches on the ball. But it didn't work out -- I needed an OF and he's redundant given how I have the team put together. (He could also be tendered a contract and tossed into a deal, but whatever.)

As for keeping Ike Davis, this a no-brainer. He's worth the one year, $3m deal he's going to get, especially because it comes with two more years of team control if you want it.

Before I continue, here's our post-arb, pre-everything else roster and budget.

Dead money ($8.5 million)

The ghost of Johan Santana: $5.5 million

The ghost of He Who Shall Not Be Named: $3 million

Under contract ($25.05 million)

David Wright: $20 million

Jon Niese: $5.05 million

Arb eligibles ($20.6 million)

Daniel Murphy: $5.8 million

Ike Davis: $3.5 million

Dillon Gee: $3.4 million

Bobby Parnell: $3.2 million

Eric Young, Jr.: $1.9 million

Lucas Duda: $1.8 million

Ruben Tejada: $1 million

0-2'ers (12 guys at $500k each, or $6m)

Zach Wheeler

Travis d'Arnaud

Juan Lagares

Jenrry Mejia

Josh Edgin

Jeurys Familia

Anthony Recker

Vic Black

Josh Satin

Carlos Torres

Wilfredo Tovar

Wilmer Flores

Matt Den Dekker

On the DL ($500,000)

Matt Harvey, and with that, so go our hopes and dreams.

That leaves us with some obvious holes and some bad fits, too. (You'll note that Wilmer Flores isn't on the list, in large part because he's a man without a position. And that Kirk Nieuwenhuis isn't on the list, even though we could use another outfielder, because he's not a very good player. Neither is JV1, because roflcopter.)

It also leaves us with... yikes. $60,650,000 is already accounted for.

2) Sign Tim Lincecum to a two year $24.045 million deal with a vesting third year, $16 million option with a two million buyout.

What the what? I have only $20 million to spend, and I invest in TIM LINCECUM? I need an outfielder! TWO outfielders! And a shortstop! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

In the land of the free where the men play a game
At times there are things that are hard to explain
The Beckett, Ubaldo, and the PeavyJake.
All were once very good, but now are no great shake.

And then there’s the Garza, a creature of yore
Whom everyone wanted, and all did adore
Except for the team on which he then played
(A stranger creature, upon my eyes never laid!)

Come each July, though, the world goes quite mad
And until Sandy joined us, for us it was sad
As teams give too much for guys like Ken Rogers
(And -- e-gads! -- then there’s the Dodgers!)

For teams that need pitching, there’s nothing as nic
As that illusive old star and a roll of the dice.
For this gamble, these teams, they will play quite dearly
A deadline tradition that comes but once yearly.

PeavyJake brought Iglesias, from Garza, Mykolt!
And the Beckett removed the Carl-Crawford-Bolt.
The Ball-Four Rogers cost us the Terrence Long
(Who didn’t work out, but some guys get the gong.)

In Baseball lives the need for a farm
And losing a guy who will do no one harm
To flip to the needy who act somewhat rash
Requires that we be prepared with some cash.

A team like the Mets can turn coins into gold.
By taking a risk which is seemingly bold.
The Lincecum, he, is anyone’s guess.
But if he fails for us? Make him Sabean’s mess!

Basically, I'd sign Lincecum with the idea that if we're not contending come July, we trade him and his $20 millions owed to some team in need of a veteran starter, and get ourselves a good prospect in the process.

I'd backload the contract a tad -- $9.045m, $15, $16. So that leaves me with $10m to spend.

4) Sign Shin-Soo Choo. Five years, $75 million.

At $15 million per, I'm screwed. But that's OK. First, I backload this a bit, too, so he's only costing me $13.5 this year. Second, well, you'll see.

Choo is obviously the right player for this team, long-term, which is to say that in 2015 we're all going to hate him because he's terrible.

Choo's splits... yikes, they're scary. And I want him to play LF, which makes them doubly scary. So...

5) Sign Rajai Davis. Two years, $6 million.

Davis' splits are also scary, but they're the opposite-scary of Choo. I'm not signing Davis to be a platoon player with Choo, but to bring balance to the Force. Or the lineup, whatever. With EY Jr and MDD on board,

He plays RF. $2.5 million this year, $3.5 million next year.

And... we're $6 million over budget. Boo!

6) Trade Daniel Murphy to the Kansas City Royals for Luke Hochevar and cash

I want another reliever. And I need to get rid of salary. Hochevar should cost no more than $2 million, except for the fact that the Royals over-insisted on him being a SP, so I get him for $2 million. I just saved 15% or more on my car insurance and $3.8 million off my budget. Party!

I make Wilmer Flores my 2B. That adds $500k to payroll. I have $2.7 million to cut.

7) Sorry Ike.

I tried. Really, I tried. I think you're getting a bum rap, but $3.5 million... man, I can't spend that much coin on a guy who is going to have to platoon with a pair of eyebrows with a larger-than-normal OBP. I'm not going to cut you -- I'm not a cutter -- but I am going to trade you. You'll be a Pittsburgh Pirate or a Tampa Bay Ray, and I'll get some guy who will hopefully never become the answer to a trivia question back. Unless the question is "who was the unheralded outfielder that the Pittsburgh Pirates inexplicably gave the Mets for Ike Davis in the 2013-2014 offseason?" You know, like Jose Bautista kinda is.


The batters:

C: TdA

1B: Duda, Satin

2B: Flores and a lot of prayer

SS: Tejada and more prayer

3B: Wright

RF: The Davis not named Ike

CF: Lagares

LF: Choo

Bench: EY Jr., MDD, Recker, Tovar


Niese, Wheeler, Gee, Mejia, Lincecum.

I have Jacob deGrom waiting in the weeds for the inevitable Mejia re-injury and for Lincecum to explode, and of course, the Montero and Syndergaard trains reading to do whatever trains do (ride the rails? cause confusion and delay?). Regardless, they're all in the minors and are FREE as far as I'm concerned. Take that, penny-pinching Eric Simon!


Parnell, Black, Josh "$5 will get you a seat, but all you need is the" Edgin, Scott Rice, Familia, Hochevar, Torres

Total budget? I kind of lost count, but it's in the very high $70 millions.

Hey, that was fun! Hey, that's now done. Tomorrow, you'll read another one. Every day, from here to there, arglebargle everywhere.

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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