Hey guys, I’ve been here a few years now, but this is my first AAOP. I hope you like it.
So we start off with $33.55 million committed from prior contracts. If you’re wondering, here’s how that breaks down:
• David Wright $20 million
• Johan Santana’s buyout $6 million
• Jon Niese $5 million
• Jason Bay blackmail money for REDACTED $60 million
• According to the spreadsheet provided, everyone else can either be paid off with between 1 and 3 Arby’s roast beef sandwiches (Ike David, Daniel Murphy, Bobby Parnell, Scott Atchison, Omar Quintanilla, Ruben Tejada, Justin Turner, Ike David and Eric Young, Jr.), or will work for free in 2014. I assume this is all thanks to the new CBA. Go figure!
So we start off with $91 million committed. No biggie. Now, for some reason, the AAOP guidelines say "Let’s be generous and put their payroll ceiling at $80 million." Um, what? The Mets’ payroll last year was $93,684,590. Why would it go down, especially when the Mets have said they want to begin to shift their attention, to some undetermined degree, away from assessing players and towards winning in the short term (source: Mike Francesser interview with Sandy Alderson)? So I’m going to assume Eric Simon means "Let’s be generous and put their payroll ceiling at $80 million over last year." Because that makes more sense. So we have a total of $82,684,590 left to spend.
So here’s where we’re at with the 25-man already:
1. John Niese ($5 million)
2. Dillon Gee (2 Arby’s sandwiches)
3. Zack Wheeler (pro bono)
4. Jenrry Mejia (pro bono)
6. Bobby Parnell (2 Arby’s sandwiches)
7. Scott Atchison (3 Arby’s sandwiches)
8. Josh Edgin (pro bono)
9. Scott Rice (pro bono)
10. Jeurys Familia (pro bono)
14. Travis d’Arnaud (pro bono)
15. Anthony Recker (pro bono)
16. Ike Davis (2 Arby’s sandwiches)
17. Daniel Murphy (2 Arby’s sandwiches)
18. Ruben Tejada (1 Arby’s sandwich)
19. David Wright ($20 million)
20. Lucas Duda (pro bono… but I’d grab him an Arby’s sandwich to keep him happy)
21. Juan Lagares (pro bono)
22. Cesar Puello (pro bono)
23. Eric Young, Jr. (1 Arby’s sandwich)
24. Justin Turner (1 Arby’s sandwich)
25. Josh Satin (pro bono)
You may be wondering why I’m putting Duda in the outfield again.
So we need one starting pitcher and 3 bullpen arms, and we have a paltry $82,684,590 to acquire this talent. What to do?
First of all, give Daisuke Matsuzaka a one-year, $5 million dollar contract. Dice-K impressed me in his last few starts. I know he is the man for the job.
That leaves $77,684,590 for three bullpen spots. It’s getting a little hairy, folks!
But don’t worry, ‘cause we’re signing Mariano Rivera. Yeah, I thought he was retiring too, but he’s on this list of FA’s Mr. Simon linked to, so he must be available. A nice three year, $30 million contract at $10 million per year should do the trick. Mo will get a chance to close but might end up as a set-up guy. He’s classy and old and he’ll understand.
Next, we’re giving Manny Acosta a one-year, $1 million contract, because fxcarden’s rants were lacking in 2013 and he needs some motivation.
Finally, we’re signing Masahiro Tanaka. He will eat up all of whatever is left at this point, like $65 million or so. That sounds about right. Yes, he is an ace starter and we will be starting him in the bullpen. Why? Fuck you, that’s why. He will take over the rotation spot of the first man to fall. And trust me, one of those guys will fall. Even in the astronomically unlikely situation where our rotation is 100% healthy all season, Mejia will be on an innings limit and Tanaka can take his spot then.
With these moves, the Mets will surely be clamoring for that elusive .500 record, no problem. Go get ‘em, Metsies!