Sandy Anderson is tired. He's tired of all the name-calling, the SABR-bashing, and the facetious punny WAR headlines (what IS it good for, anyway?). He's tired of being a cheap nerd in New York. But most of all he's tired of the Wilpons. This offseason will be different. The future be damned! Sandy is building a winner and going out with a bang.
Ever since he co-wrote Moneyball with Billy Beane, Sandy has been looking for the next great market inefficiency. This year he's found it: PEDs... or at least PED users.
This offseason the Mets' GM has a cool $50 million—that he stole from the Wilpons when they weren't looking—and a deadly five moves of doom to work with. Here's his plan:
To really annoy the fans that have never supported him, Alderson calls up the Brewers and gets this trade done:
Brewers get Travis d'Arnaud, Noah Syndergaard and Ike Davis. The Mets get Ryan Braun and $15 million a year. Braun will only make $10 million in 2014. Sandy strays from his all-steroid plan for one acquisition, and receives Kyle Lohse as well.
The fan base cries over the loss of Syndergaard and d'Arnaud, but rages over Sandy's next move: Using $5 million from the Brewers he signs Carlos Ruiz to replace d'Arnaud.
Moves #3 and #4
The PED plan continues with two signings: Jhonny Peralta (two years, $20 million) and Nelson Cruz (three years, $39 million).
The back pages call for blood, but New York literally implodes upon hearing the next move:
The Mets trade Juan Lagares, Daniel Murphy, and Brandon Nimmo to the Yankees for Alex Rodriguez (who will play first base), a recently signed Bartolo Colon, and $10 million a year. The Yankees are so happy to get rid of A-Rod that they offer the recently signed Colon, a player Sandy just can't help but say yes to, for free.
A-Rod’s pending suspension is overturned when Sandy convinces Bud Selig that Major League Baseball will make a ton of money off of a Mets World Series victory. The soon-to-be-retired Selig later admits that he stopped caring about his job in 2005.
To complete the offseason Alderson announces he's starting Cesar Puello in center field and—in another shocking turn of events—claims that Jordany Valdespin is his second baseman. Alderson drops the mic, flips the (Marlon) bird, and goes on to be MLB commissioner for the rest of his life after the Mets win their first World Series since 1986.
1. Jordany Valdespin, 2B*
2. David Wright, 3B
3. Ryan Braun, LF*
4. Nelson Cruz, RF*
5. Alex Rodriguez, 1B*
6. Jhonny Peralta, SS*
7. Cesar Puello, CF*
8. Carlos Ruiz, C*
1. Jonathon Niese
2. Bartolo Colon*
3. Zack Wheeler
4. Kyle Lohse
5. Dillon Gee/Jenrry Mejia/Rafael Montero