Upon Saint Mattenzack's Day

Inspired by murdertron3000's excellent "Twas the Night Before Pitchmas" and William Shakespeare's "Henry V"




Early Tuesday Morning

The Mets huddle around a fire, lamenting Gee’s loss and the lack of run support



O that we now had here

But one of those men in Vegas or Binghamton

That play no games today!


What’s he that wishes so?

My friend Gee? No, my fair DIllon:

If we are mark’d to die, we are enough

To do our country loss: and to live,

The fewer men, the greater share of WINZ.

Dickey’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.

By Dickey, I am not covetous for WINS

Nor care I who doth sit upon my bench

It yearns me not if Puello my garments wears;

Such outward things dwell not in my desires

But if it be a sin to covet wins,

I am the most offending soul alive.

No, faith, Terry, wish not a man from Binghamton

Awakened now from sorrow and slumber, the team gathers around WRIGHT


This day is called the feast of Mattenzack

He that outlives this day, and comes safe to Citi

Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,

And rouse him at the name of Mattenzack.

He that shall win this day, and see a World Series win

Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,

And say "To-morrow is Saint Mattenzack"

Then will he raise his glove and show his scars.

And say "These batters I struck out on Mattenzack’s day"

Fair weather fans forget; yet all shall be forgot,

But he’ll remember with advantages

What men he mowed down that day; then shall our names

Familiar in his mouth as household words

David the Third, Harvey and Wheeler,

Murphy and Duda, Buck and Parnell,

Be in their flowing cups freshly remembere’d.

This story shall the good Mets fan teach his children

And Mattenzack shall ne’er go by,

From this day to the ending of the world,

But we in it shall be remembered.

As grins begin to spread across their faces, the team turns as ZACK WHEELER and MATT HARVEY flank WRIGHT. WRIGHT looks at them and smiles.


We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

For he today that takes the field with me

Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,

This day shall raise him up

And gentlemen in Vegas now a-bed

Shall think themselves accursed they were not here!

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

That fought with us upon Saint Mattenzack’s day!!!

With a roar, the team lifts WRIGHT, WHEELER, and HARVEY onto their shoulders, abandons the fire, and charges off into battle

You know the rest.




This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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