I'm Terry Collins, Asshole

Alright, so I've been reading this "blog" or whatever you got here. And I had to create an account just to respond to all of you nerds. You all think you're soooo smart. Well, if you're so smart how come I'm the manager and you're all busy not getting laid?

Anyways, since you've been bitching about me all year, I'm gonna answer some of your dumb-ass questions, just to show you how stupid you really are.

"Why is Terry playing Buck every damn day?"

Jesus, have any of you ever been on a sports team? Any kind of team? You act like you never even slapped a guy's butt before. Buck stinks, we know that. But he's an everyday catcher, OK? Everyday catchers catch every day. It's not rocket science.

"Why is Terry not playing Brown?"

Duh, he's a back up, idiot. That's what I use him for. TO. BACK. UP. We got too many back ups already, you understand? We don't have enough guys to play every day and I'd play those guys first anyways, if I had them. We just got a new everyday guy in whats-his-name, the little guy for left field, so we don't have a spot for Brown right now. We got two everyday guys in left and right and Brown doesn't play center, OK? Honestly why do you guys even know his name?

"Why doesn't Terry play Valdespin? Why doesn't Terry play Lagares? Why doesn't Terry play Satin?"

Jeeeesus. Whine much? Just so you know, because you guys can't seem to get this into your pathetic loser heads, I'm gonna explain like you're 4 years old. Ready?

In MAJOR LEAGUE Baseball, you got your EVERYDAY GUYS and you got your BACKUP GUYS.

Murphy, Wright, Buck, Byrd and the little guy are your EVERYDAY guys. Duda, Ike, Ruben are the everyday guys who are out right now. The other guys are all BACKUPS. So quit whining about them not playing when the guy they're backing up isn't hurt. This ain't little league. Bench guys sit on the bench, OK? Well, they got rid of Ankiel, so there's no everyday guy in center field. Don't blame me, that DePo guy is just like you, he doesn't get it either, even though I've explained this 10,000 times. Idiot.

"Why is Terry using Rice again? Oh my god, his arm is gonna fall off."

You act like a bunch of scared girls. Well you know what? Rice don't care. Ask him! He's a pitcher. He pitches. He's a lefty, so he comes in against lefties. We got two lefties now, but before he was the only one so he pitched every day. That's his freaking JOB. What do you want me to do, bring in a righty to face a lefty? Shut up about his arm.

"Why does Terry like Turner so much?"

Listen, I get it. That guy sucks. But you don't know what goes on in a major league clubhouse. Some guys are just real good guys to have around. One time, Turner baked us cookies. Chocolate chip with pecans, soft and chewy as hell. Those cookies were so fucking delicious I had to play him. He keeps on being awesome in the clubhouse, he gets playing time. That's how the real world works.

"Why does Terry bunt so much?"

Oh, this one is my favorite. Did you calculate the odds? You ran the numbers? Math? FUCKING MATH???

Are you guys even trying to get laid? It's so obvious I can't even explain it. It's like trying to explain why explosions are awesome.


Ask any manager, any team, any place, any time. I'll wait. Nah, I'll save you some time, they'll tell you the same exact thing. Bunting is the best thing about baseball. THE BEST.

If you guys can't even appreciate a bunt, you really need to re-think your lives. Are you guys Canadian or something?

So there you have it, nerdholes. Stop giving me shit and trying to get me fired.

Bite me,

Terry Collins

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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