FanPost

How to Be a Mets Beat Writer: Matt Harvey Edition

High-maintenance supernova Matt Harvey. - Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

Ever wanted to be just like a real Mets beat writer? Now's your chance!

Given that Matt Harvey is unlikely to throw a pitch during the 2014 season, you—yes you!—can write a beat-writer-quality article in your own home! Or in your mom's basement! It's so easy, even people who have never watched a baseball game can do it! Just follow these simple steps:

1) Make sure at least half of your paragraphs are one sentence long. The other half should be two sentences long. (Advanced writers can have the occasional three sentence paragraph, but the last sentence should be one or two words, be a nonsense throw-away, or just be truncated repeats of the second sentence. Novice writers who wish to give it a try can experiment with third sentences like "Really" or "Time will tell.")

2) Point out that it's not really worth talking about Matt Harvey because Matt Harvey is a 12-10 lifetime pitcher. If you're writing, say, 500 words, it is critically important that you explain that it's not worth your time to write these 500 words, because this guy isn't very good yet. Time will tell. Really.

3) Make sure to reference that he attended some Rangers games with his now ex-supermodel girlfriend and they happened to be caught kissing on camera.

In the entire history of humankind, no man has ever kissed his significant other in public (!) at a sporting event (!) and aspired to anything worth noting. Never.

4) Violate ESPN's intellectual property by including an image of Matt Harvey's Body Issue photos.

The more tush, the better!

5) State that you want nothing more than for Harvey to recover and have a successful, brilliant career.

"I want nothing more than Harvey to be the superstar some think he can be..."

6) Then say the word "but," suggesting that the phrase beforehand is a dirty, dirty lie.

"but, ..."

7) Make a baseless assertion about how this could be a problem for Harvey's career, knowing full well it will be at least 12 months before he takes the mound healthy again.

"... for [insert made-up reason here,] I'm concerned for his future. His future!"

8) Title your article as if you were asking a question, anchoring it on your made-up reason.

"Could [made-up reason] spell doom for Matt Harvey and the Mets?" It's super important that you make this a question, so when people give you a hard time, you can lie again and say "I'm just asking a question!"

9) Hit publish.

Congrats, you're a New York Mets beat writer!

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process. It does not necessarily reflect the opinions, reasoning skills, or attention to grammar and usage rules held by the editors of this site.

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