FanPost

re: James Loney


james loney



James Loney is the worst baseball player I've ever seen. James Loney hits like the exhumed corpse of Abraham Lincoln. Sometimes you take a walk with your partner on a cool spring day and you've got a new pair of sneakers. James Loney is the opposite of that feeling. James Loney is late-career Ryan Howard, minus the power. James Loney is the Chinatown DVD version of Yonder Alonso. If only he was actually a Chinatown DVD, though - you could see the exit sign at the beginning of the film, and one fears that we will be subjected to considerably more than 2 hours, give or take, of James Loney.

James Loney getting a single plate appearance for your team is a sign that your team hasn't prepared well for injury. It's the Major League Baseball equivalent of not having health insurance. You think you're young and healthy, and then you get run over by a 2006 Toyota Loney. 2006, of course, because that was the last year in which James Loney could actually outhit a wooden statue of James Loney. Eddie Gaedel would be a much better player than James Loney. Much better. James Loney is worse than Osama bin Laden. At baseball. I'm not suggesting Loney was responsible for 9/11. James Loney couldn't have done 9/11 - that's an .818 batting average.

James Loney is an anagram for "Me's Jay Leno." Loney is funnier than Jay Leno though, because it's preposterous that James Loney, who hasn't had a hit since Sheena Easton's had a hit, who hasn't had a RBI since Little League, is a major league baseball player. He hasn't made solid contact with a white sphere since Neil Armstrong made solid contact with a white sphere. At James Loney's high school, to this day, when a kid flunks a test, he doesn't flunk it. He just "James Loney'd." James Loney is "fuck it, we'll go 74-88 this year."

Even at his best, James Loney is like what you'd find in a second-rate stripper's bra - singles only. But at least there were singles, and a second-rate stripper's bra is not a terrible place to be. Now, James Loney is more like a neckbeard. "I've given up!" screams a team that plays James Loney to the world. "I just don't care anymore!" James Loney is drinking box wine at 2pm on a Tuesday. James Loney is crying in public for no discernible reason other than the constant crushing pain of existence. James Loney is eating a TV dinner with your face.

Here are a list of Mets objectively better than James Loney: Josh Thole, Doug Mientciewicz, Tom Seaver, Miguel Cairo, Jerry Grote, Craig Swan, Jay Hook, Eric Campbell, Ty Kelly, and Argenis Reyes. Hansel Robles is better than James Loney. Julio Franco is better than James Loney. Ray Knight is better than James Loney. Willie Montanez is way better than James Loney. Johan Santana was greater than James Loney. James Loney is the human equivalent of a collection of moldy coffee cups.

James Slowney. James Brony. James Baloney. Jenna Maroney. James Don't Know Me. James KONY 2012. James Phony. James Trash. James Garbage. James Imitation Crab Milkshake.

The Mets are 0-2 in the Loney era. I predict that they will finish the season at 29-131 given the continued presence of Loney on the roster. James Loney is not Lucas Duda and therefore James Loney is not good.

This FanPost was contributed by a member of the community and was not subject to any vetting or approval process.