The Braves came a-callin' this week, putting a little fear and loathing into the hearts of easily scared Met fans. Maybe it's my infamous rose-colored glasses at work again, but I just can't get scared by this team. Eight reasons why I still feel brave (I worked overtime on that one) staring down Atlanta for the next seven weeks.
1. They've got nothing on the slab. Their lineup is sick, no doubt, but their rotation is Hudson and Smoltz and pray for thunderbolts. Winning 8-6 three times a week won't get you the pennant. Ask the Yankees.
2. Jeff Francoeur: They'll never win the pennant with this guy on the roster. It's not his OBP, his VORP, his FRAA -- it's his GRIN. Seriously, what's wrong with this guy? Stop with the grimace, dude! This can't be good in the clubhouse:
Chipper: That was a tough loss out there.
Frenchy [grinning]: Oh, yeah, brutal!
Chipper: You think this is funny?
Frenchy [grins wider, eyes bulging]: No, I'm devastated!
Chipper: You makin' fun of me?
Frenchy [grinning, sweating]: I would never do that, you're like the team captain!
[Brawl broken up by McCann, several shoulders dislocated in the process]
3. Roger McDowell: Agent Provocateur.
4. John Schuerholz? Lame. I got a copy of Built to Win at a Salvation Army a while back. I have a lot of time on my hands (obviously) but even I couldn't finish this turkey. In addition to favoring us with his embarrassing Hallmark Card poetry ("Why won't their super egos trust, / The use of words like We and Us?") he brags about getting $30,000 of wine from too-big-for-field-level-seats Rush Limbaugh. Ooooooooh, you're so cool! Meet me and Glenn Beck at Jean Georges later, it's gonna be the bomb!
5. The race is not to the racist. Uh, hello? Braves? Are we still okay with this? They retired Chief Noc-A-Homa and Princess Win-A-Lotta, but they still have the chop. Naming your team after a race just isn't cool -- the Pittsburgh Negroes, the L.A. Chinamen, it's not right. God agrees with me on this one; he never lets these guys win it all. The only time the Braves won the Series, who did they face? The Indians.
5a. Georgia actually ranks near the bottom of U.S. states if you're measuring Native American population -- or anything else for that matter. The Atlanta Crackers would be a more suitable name. Baseball is a little too mentally taxing for the guys born on the wrong side of the Mason-Dixon line, as the Braves' postseason attendance records make plain. Face it, the South hasn't produced a winner since Faulkner died. (Two words for any would-be apologists: Paula Deen.)
6. Bobby Cox: Can't win the big one. Outsmarted by a hick from Kansas City in the 1985 ALCS. Postseason blunders too numerous to mention. Lives in Marietta, so he probably voted for Newt Gingrich a couple of times. Nothing to be afraid of here.
7. Their best hitter and best pitcher can't stop with the catfights. The blogger who had the scoop on the "Race War" brewing in the Met dugout might need to take the pulse of team chemistry down under.
8. Lastings!
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