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Things I Would Do If It Meant Not Signing Bengie Molina To A Dumb Contract

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Re-watch every one of Oliver Perez's 2009 starts.

Go donut for donut with Livan Hernandez.

Spend the 4th of July with Vince Coleman.

Read all the Twilight books (just like Cole Hamels!).

Watch every film on the IMDB Bottom 100 in a row.

Let Kevin Mitchell babysit my cat.

Interrupt Al Leiter and John Franco's annual barbecue with some gangsta rap blaring from a boombox.

Go drankin' and huntin' with Brett Myers.

Take horse race betting advice from Paul Lo Duca ("bet it all on RobTheCradle in the 5th at Saratoga").

Listen to Evan Roberts and Joe Beningo everyday.

Go out for pizza with Shane Spencer and Karim Garcia.

Endure a swift kick to my nether regions courtesy of Robocop.

Get the same haircut as Jayson Werth.

A Citi Field version of BodySuit Man.

Watch the 9th inning of Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS once a day for the rest of my life.

Read every column ever written by Kevin Kernan and Bill Madden.

Watch every Kevin Costner film in which he attempts an accent.

Enroll in "Negotiations 101", Omar Minaya's first class as a college professor.

Go out for a night on the town with Miguel Cabrera.

Hire Jerry Koosman's accountant to do my taxes.

Continue to watch almost every Met game despite the incompetents in the front office (I will still do this even if Bengie is signed, unfortunately).