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A Day In The Life Of Brian Stokes

5:45: Wake up and begin gameday 50-mile jog and stretching. I think today's the day I finally talk to Jerry.

5:50: Finish jog, read the entire New York Times and drink coffee.

6:00: My wife wakes up and starts mocking my pregame preparations. She says at least I played in Tampa. She asks if I seriously thought a team that traded cash to get me would ever let me play.

6:05: Eat my Wheaties. Check if I'm still the 152nd best Devil Ray. Yes.

7:00: My son wakes up and asks to play catch. I accidentally throw 97 again and break his hand. That's the third time I've done that. The insurance company said they weren't going to cover it anymore.

8:14: Finish welding my son's hand back together with heat-vision. Get in the car to go to Citi. Make mental note: remember to talk to Jerry.

8:43:The security guy won't let me in the clubhouse entrance. He doesn't believe I'm actually on the team.

8:56: Sean Green pulls up on his unicycle; finally someone to get me in. I ask Sean to tell him I'm on the team. He just stares at me blankly and walks in.

9:11: Wilson Valdez appears out of nowhere in a ninja suit and assassinates the guard. He disappears in a puff of smoke. I don't know why. I walk in.

9:15: Omir Santos has begun selling T-Shirts out of my locker. My stuff is scattered all over the floor. I find my uniform and stash it in the equipment closet. I buy an Omir Santos T-Shirt.

9:22: I pass by K-Rod and offer him a high five. He just stares and turns away. He says something in Spanish to Luis Castillo that I don't understand. I think he just called me Darren O'Day.

9:30: I dress in the equipment closet. They spelled my name 'STOCKS'. That's the closest they've gotten so far.

9:44: Fernando Martinez gives me his spikes to be polished. David Wright walks over, presumably to correct the rookie. Apparently, he wants his spikes polished too.

10:10: I finish polishing the shoes. I notice there's less than an hour until warmups. I go to Jerry's office.

10:13: Jerry, Omar, and J.J. are playing cards in Jerry's office. The pot is bigger than my salary. I clear my throat to get Jerry's attention. He turns to me and says, "Boy, I can't hear Ice Cube over your racket." J.J. adds, "I agree for rap is a respected genre of music that I often enjoy." That's weird. He told me the other day he hates rap. They wait for me to leave. I'll ask him tomorrow.

10:45: Warmups begin. No one will throw with me, even though Sean Green doesn't have a partner. Everytime I ask him he just stares blankly.

11:30: We return to the clubhouse before heading out to the bullpen. Ken Takahashi comes up to me and bows. I bow back. He wants his spikes polished.

12:10: The game starts. I sit with Sean Green under the bench. I think he's started a garden over there.

2:10: It's a one run game and Maine comes out. Jerry calls down. He wants Green and Feliciano up.

2:12: Jerry brings Putz in, even though he wasn't warming up.

2:24: Putz has walked the bases loaded. Jerry calls down and I pick up. He says: "Stokes is sucking wind out there, get Parnell up." I ask him if he means Putz. He says "huh" and hangs up. Weird.

4:11: We lose in extra-innings by one run. I'm the only one left in the bullpen. Nick Swisher pitched the last inning for us. I'm not sure how that's legal.

4:30: Takahashi wants his spikes polished once more before he goes home.

4:44: My car was towed. Apparently Sean Green reported me for parking in his second unicycle spot. I jog home.