Location: Mets clubhouse, June 21st, 11:00 AM
Situation: Pedro Feliciano sitting in his chair, 20 lbs. of ice on his arm, contemplating how to get some days off
This is ridiculous. I've pitched in 5 games in a row now. Some guy in the stands yelled to me that I'm on track to pitch in 96 games this season. I don't want my arm to fall off, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do? Think Pedro, think.
:::Jerry Manuel walks by:::
Jerry: "Pedro, you will be pitching today."
Pedro: "But what if it's a blowout? We've got Switzer and Taka-"
Jerry: "You will be pitching today. It is written. See you in the 7th inning."
I think skip hates me. Maybe he has a secret deal with Dr. James Andrews? Who knows but I don't want to visit that guy. Can I go back to Japan? That was the best season - 37 games pitched and all the Pachinko I could handle. Alright concentrate Pedro we need a plan. That Governor Paterson guy was here earlier this season, he kind of looks like me.
Maybe he can take my spot for a few days. Let's open up his Wikipedia page and see if he can throw a baseba- he's blind?! Great, just great, there is no hope. Maybe a DL trip would get the job done.
:::Ray Ramirez walks by:::
Pedro: "Hey Ray, is it healthy for me to pitch everyday? My arm is starting to hurt, what should I do?"
Ray: "All I can tell you is the same thing I told Church last season - take 2 Vicodin and walk it off. Worked out for Church right?"
Pedro: "Uhh, not exactly Ray."
Ray: "Not my problem."
Pedro: "Actually it is. It's your job. Like my job is to pitch in every game."
Ray: "Don't ask for my help again unless you're missing a limb or can't feel your extremities. I don't deal with pansies."
Well thanks for nothing "head trainer". We're playing Pujols's team this week so I shouldn't be needed. That's a relief. No reason to bring in the lefty specialist to face Skip Schumaker or Rick Ankiel right? Okay what other options are there to get me a day off? I noticed Stokes taught himself how to pitch lefthanded. He got pretty good too, but I guess that's not a surprise given all the free time he's had. Wonder if he'd be down for a uniform switch?
:::Brian Stokes walks by:::
Feliciano: "You're Stokes, right? I noticed you throwing 96 mph sliders lefthanded the other day - you want to get into a game? If we switch jerseys I guarantee you'll pitch today."
Stokes: "For real? Sounds great, I was about to take a mid-season sabbatical."
Feliciano: " ‘Feliciano' will be pitching today in the 7th, so be ready. Thanks again man."
Stokes: "No problem. ‘Stokes' never pitches, so you should have the day off."
Later in the day
Location: Mets dugout, 3:15 PM, 7th inning
Situation: Omar Minaya pays a surprise visit to the dugout
Jerry: [on bullpen phone] "It's Feliciano time. Actually hold on a second, Omar comin'"
Omar: "I was Googling ‘ unicycle' and something written by a dude in his mother's basement came up. Mentioned a guy name Stocks who is apparently on the roster. It made me laugh a hearty Omar laugh, so I think we should put Stocks in."
Jerry: "This better work out or you're gonna be one cadaverous mofo. [on bullpen phone] Get Stocks up, he's coming in next!"