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Mets Announce Managerial Finalists: Wally Backman, Terry Collins, Bob Melvin, Chip Hale

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The Mets have announced the human meatbags they will be inviting back for a second round of interviews to fill the position of mindless automaton field manager. The supposed finalists are:

- Terry Collins
- Wally Backman
- Chip Hale
- Bob Melvin

Whom do I want to win? I really couldn't care much less about anything than I do about the Mets managerial search. If it were truly up to me, and I could change MLB's rules to suit my needs, the Mets would be managed on the field by a sophisticated win probability computer, which would take into account standard win expectancy matrices plus more complicated pitcher- and batter-specific algorithms to refine the basic probabilities according to strengths and weaknesses of individual players. Yes, all in-game strategy would be determined probabilistically, not intestinally.

And since millionaire crybabies need constant pampering, I'd also hire Tony Robbins as a life coach to keep morale high. We'll have the best damned clubhouse chemistry in baseball, I tells ya!