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Transcript Of The 90-Minute Closed-Door Meeting Of Mets Management

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Jeff Wilpon and Omar Minaya flew to Atlanta today to hold a closed-door meeting with the coaching staff. Through my extensive inside connections, I was able to record and transcribe the proceedings, reproduced below.

Jeff Wilpon: Here are your grade point averages. Mr. Minaya: two C's, two D's and an F. That's a 1.2. Congratulations, Omar. You're at the top of the Mets organization. Mr. Warthen?

Warthen: [drunk] Hello!

Jeff Wilpon: 0.2... Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Johnson, hitting coach? 1.6; four C's and an F. A fine example you set! Razor Shines... HAS no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Man...

[sees Jerry with a pair of pencils in his nostrils]

Jeff Wilpon: MR. MANUEL... ZERO POINT ZERO.

Omar Minaya: Are we fired?

Jeff Wilpon. No, not yet. You're all on probation. 

Jerry Manuel: But we're already on probation from last season. 

Jeff Wilpon: You are? Well, as of this moment, you're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!