vs. 
7:10 PM | SNY
A random WFAN caller sits down for breakfast.
*opens newspaper*
*looks at probable pitchers*
*face slowly slackens from disbelief, causing gold-plated monocle to fall into imported English breakfast tea*
"STULTS, ERIC (0-0) v. HEFNER, JEREMY (0-1)"
*whispers a single curse*: "ssssanddy..."
Probable Pitchers
Here's some facts I gathered about Eric Stults after 30 minutes on google:
- Was drafted by the Dodgers and served as their "sixth starter" for a few years.
- Pitched a complete game shutout in 2008.
- Is definitely a pitcher.
- The Dodgers sold him to Japan in 2010.
- Sucked in Japan, was banished back to the decadent and decaying West.
- Claimed off waivers by the Padres this year from the White Sox.
- He had decent peripherals as a reliever in AAA, but nothing that screams "MLB starter."
- Has pitched well in 2 starts this season, despite walking more batter than he's struckout. How Batistan!
Here's some facts I gathered about Jeremy Hefner, while watching him pitch 5 innings against the Blue Jays:
- Has a fastball that can touch the low 90s.
- Throws a very loopy curveball. Wouldn't call it 12-6, but it's definitely a curveball in the traditional sense.
- Mechanically, he's kind of slow to the plate and generates most of his velocity by slinging his arm.
- Has a slider.
- Probably better than Eric Stults.
Lineup guesses
Padres
- Venable- RF
- Maybin- CF
- Headley- 3B
- Alonso- 1B
- Baker- C
- Amarista- 2B
- Cabrera- SS
- Tekotte- LF
Mets (I might be way off here)
- Torres- CF
- Murphy- 2B
- Wright- 3B
- Hariston-LF
- Duda-RF
- Vinny- 1B
- :(edeno- SS
- Nickeas- C
Key match-ups
- A quadruple-A lefty who leans heavily on his changeup to get righties out? Might that interest a David Wright who has finally remembered how to make consistent contact on offspeed pitches? "Hitting .400 isn't cool. You know what's cool? Hitting .500." --Mark Zuckerberg
- The Padres surprisingly have a few left-handed hitters who are decent agains the curveball, the best among them being Yonder Alonso. By every metric, he crushes the deuce, which is -- as far as I can tell -- Hefner's best offering against the opposite hand. Proceed with caution.