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Days Like Today I Am Happy I'm the Minor League Guy Applesauce

I got nothing.  (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)
I got nothing. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)
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Avant-Garde filmmaker Ken Jacobs' 2004 film, Star Spangled to Death, is 400 minutes long and combines obviously staged elements with found footage to create "a stolen and dangerously sold-out America, allowing examples of popular culture to self-indict. Racial and religious insanity, monopolization of wealth and the purposeful dumbing down of citizens and addiction to war oppose a Beat playfulness." Needless to say, I will totally be rewatching that film again before I rewatch yesterday's Mets game. It's only a little bit longer anyway. Or, for those that don't have seven years of various film courses under their belt, in the words of Dave Chappelle: "What can I say about yesterday's Mets game that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?"

In good(?) news (I don't even know anymore), Adam Rubin's least favorite pitcher will be making the start for the Mets on Thursday. He will be replacing everyone else's least favorite pitcher, who was designated for assignment.

Also over at ESPN, Mark Simon breaks down the horror of the Dodgers series, Carol Clover style (okay, that's enough film school references for today). In news you probably already knew, Jordany Valdespin should probably be in the line-up a bit more often. Also, apparently Daniel Murphy is the 'final girl.'

Oh wait, the Mets are below .500? Well, you know what that means, time to throw a middle reliever into the volcano to appease the volcano god. Actually, I don't even know which one to pick at this point.

At least one good thing happened this weekend; Ted Berg had a delicious sandwich.

Finally, if you want to relive yesterday's nightmare one more time, Greg Prince has a fine review of the exact moment the wheels came off.

Around the NL East

The Nats pounded on Atlanta to force a split of their four-game series. They will be without Ian Desmond for a couple weeks, though, as the same oblique injury that kept him out of the All-Star Game has finally forced him to the DL.

Charlie Manuel's strategy of never using Papelbon in tie games finally paid off! And by paid off, I mean, didn't bite them in the buttocks. Big win for the Phils, who get back to 12 games under .500.

The immortal Jeff Karstens twirled seven shut out innings against the Marlins as the Pirates swept the Fish. Can't wait to see it on The Franchise, you guys.

Speaking of MarLOLins, Hanley Ramirez is going to miss even more time, as the cut he suffered punching a fan earlier this month is now infected.

Around MLB

Hall of Fame inductions took place yesterday as Ron Santo and Barry Larkin were enshrined. I'm all ranted out on the Santo situation, so I'll leave it to you in the comments. Gotta save those rants for the 2013 vote, which will be an utter mess no doubt.

Another day, another Oakland A's walkoff win. Yankees had a marginally better day than the Red Sox at least. And to wrap up Applesauce's AL East coverage (cause who really cares about the Orioles), Blake Beaven outdueled Matt Moore and the skidding Rays. Mariners just a half game behind the Phillies now. Philadelphia is going to get an even toolsier prep guy than normal in next year's draft.

Miguel Cabrera hit his 300th career home run and the Tigers swept the White Sox. The white-hot Tigers are now a game and a half up in the AL Central.

Injury-prone poor defensive outfielder who won't be on the next good Padres team gets three-year deal? Oh yeah. Anytime you can overpay for league average production, you have to do it.