1. Troy Tulowitzki for Ike, Edgin, Kirk, and that kid with the nice hair. I'll hang up and listen.
3. Wilmer Flores with robot legs
5. Elvis Andrus and his nine-figure contract
6. Chris Owings, playing his home games in Aces Ballpark
7. Chris Owings, playing his home games in Citi Field after Dave Hudgens asks him if he ever considered trying to take a walk.
(tie) 8. Didi Gregorious dressed in a regulation baseball uniform
(tie) 8. Didi Gregorious dressed in Ruben Tejada's uniform (shhhhhh)
9. Alex Rodriguez wearing Bobby V's fake mustache and glasses.
10. Barbaro Erisbel Arruebarr(u)ena (not giving up)
11. Jimmy Rollins after Ryne Sandberg benches him for not shaving his sideburns.
12. 2014 Rey Ordonez
13. Juan Lagares (he came up as a shortstop, dontcha know?)
14. Nick Franklin
15. Wilfredo Tovar, a year's supply of those horse steroids the Road Warriors took in the 1980s, and a whizzinator.
16. Wilmer Flores with Wilmer Flores' legs
17. Ruben Tejada
18. Derek Eater
19. Wilmer Flores with no legs
20. Dee Gordon