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And now a special message from Mets' minority owner Steven Cohen

Save big on new rattan outdoor patio sets at Cohen's Furniture & Mattress!

An actual Delaware furniture store advertisement. Is that Mr. Met?
An actual Delaware furniture store advertisement. Is that Mr. Met?
Photo via Twitter user @dasoulemon

Hi. I'm Steven Cohen. You may remember me from such insider trading scandals as SAC Capital Advisors LP and from such Mets ownership bailouts as Uh Oh, The Wilpons Got Their Baseball Team in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi Scheme and Now I Have a 4% Ownership Share.

When I invested $20 million in the Mets franchise, how little I understood the embarrassment of riches that was about to be bestowed upon me. Sure, it's old news by now that as a minority owner I received a lifetime supply of these nifty little numbers, free admission to Owner's Workout Day (I took Wilpon the Younger yard and then cadillacked it around the bases just to show him that I'm not afraid of the majority owners), and Mr. Met's personal cell number programmed into my phone.

But what I didn't understand at the time is that as a minority owner, I would be given a choice from three plucky well-established businesses that already bear my name as a consolation prize (re-branding is expensive): Cohen Brit Milah CircumcisionCohen Auto Parts, or Cohen's Furniture & Mattress. Since I couldn't get Mr. Met to agree to do circumcision advertisements (he charges a king's ransom just to appear at my nephew's birthday parties), and he doesn't understand the difference between a carburetor and an axle, I settled on the furniture gig.

I think he was a pretty good sport for doing my ads. And he only charged me $10,000 a day.

It's good to be a minority owner.

This is a satirical post about a real advertisement that presumably has nothing to do with Mets minority owner Steven Cohen.