Hello, fellow Amazin’ Avenue commenters. It is I, The Nameless One. Which you knew already; after all, it says so right up at the top of the post, so who else could it possibly be? It is time for the Amazin’ Avenue Offseason Plan contest, which I am of course very familiar with, since I am an active member of the website, because I am The Nameless One. I am now going to tell you my plan for what the New York Mets should do this offseason. Before I do, though, I would like to reiterate one more time: I, the person writing this, am the individual you all know as The Nameless One, and nobody else. So, with that in mind, here are the moves that I believe the Mets should make this winter:
Move number one: Sign Michael Cuddyer to a ten year, $500 million extension.
Move number two: Trade Curtis Granderson, Michael Conforto, Lucas Duda, and Juan Lagares to other teams so they will take playing time away from players who are not Michael Cuddyer.
Move number three: Fire Terry Collins and name Michael Cuddyer the player-manager.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: "Why on earth would The Nameless One possibly say these things? Why, the only logical explanation is that Michael Cuddyer kidnapped the real Nameless One, tied him up in his basement, stole his SB Nation login information, wrote this incredibly biased offseason plan, and published it under his name." But of course, that is a very silly thing to say; I am the real Nameless One, and I am saying these things because Michael Cuddyer is an excellent ballplayer and an excellent human being. Let us examine the evidence:
Piece of evidence number one: George Washington, Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, John Lennon, and Martin Luther King, Jr. were all exceptional men who did amazing things that changed the world. Michael Cuddyer has 1522 more major league hits than all of these men COMBINED. Therefore, he is better than them.
Piece of evidence number two: He has a head full of luscious gray hair, which is a sign of wisdom and authority.
How can anybody resist that look? I'm sure you ladies know what I'm talking about.
Piece of evidence number three: There’s been a lot of talk about Michael Cuddyer’s offensive prowess, which is obviously incredibly impressive. But did you know that he can also pitch?
Oh yes, Michael Cuddyer can pitch. His sterling 0.00 ERA in the major leagues will attest to that. So if that Jerald Fumalia or whatever his name is needs a day off, new manager Michael Cuddyer can just call on Michael Cuddyer to finish the job.
Piece of evidence number four: Did you guys know that Michael Cuddyer does magic tricks? Because he does, and they’re amazing.
Piece of evidence number five: In seasons where Michael Cuddyer was not on the roster, the Mets have won the pennant a puny 7.5% of the time. In seasons where Michael Cuddyer was on the roster? That number jumps up to 100%. I mean, how much more conclusive can you get than that?
So with all of these convincing facts laid out in front of us, let us examine where that leaves the roster and the payroll. I put it all in a nice table to make it easy to understand:
That looks pretty good to me.
So hopefully all of this has convinced you that I am… err, I mean, Michael Cuddyer is, an excellent player who is worthy of appreciation and money. Lots and lots of money. If you just think about it enough, you’ll see thakodhuieeeefhrhiuuuunfke HEY GUYS IT’S ME THE REAL NAMELESS ONE DON’T LISTEN TO THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE SIGN HEYWARD FOR 9 YEARS $180 MILLION WITH A BUYOUT AFTER FOUR SIGN SHAWN KELLEY FOR TWO YEARS $10 MILLION AND RE-SIGN BLEVINS AND JOHNSON BOTH FOR ONE YEAR AND $1 AND $3 MILLION RESPECTIVELY IF YOU NON-TENDER MEJIA CARLYLE TORRES RECKER AND YOUNG THAT LEAVES THE FINAL PAYROLL AT $119.25 MILLION SO THAT’S MY ACTUAL PLAN ALSO WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE COPS HE HAS ME IN HIS BASEMENT AND HE’S GOING TO KIHLHHHHLHLGLjnlkhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Hehheh… sorry about that, fellow Amazin’ Avenue patrons. My… cat came up and walked around on the keyboard for a little bit. What a little rascal! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the plan that I, The Nameless One, laid out before you, and I sincerely hope it all comes to fruition. But for now, I have to go…. take care of my…. cat. Have a nice day.