Yesterday, our friends over at SB Nation dropped an awesomely powerful new tool on the internet and the world as we know it was irreparably changed. The NFL Draft scouting report tool utilizes a top-secret combination of high-tech computer AI, semi-trained ninja monkeys, and magic to come up with unbelievably accurate scouting reports that you can share with your friends!
Well, we figured since you're our friends and you love the Mets as much as we do, we'd input a few players from the Mets' 40-man roster and then share with you the incredible results this mystical tool spits out! Don't forget that these scouting reports are all very accurate and real and true and junk!
Get ready to be amazed, Mets fans! Ready? We begin with the Captain, David Wright. How would the NFL Draft scouting report tool describe the Mets' third baseman? Incredibly accurately, of course:
See what we mean? Unbelievable! You all remember that episode of Mets Weekly where David went bowling with his glass eye instead of a bowling ball and then recalled obscure Simpson's references while doing handstands, right? What's that, you say: nobody watches SNY other than for Mets games? Oh, well you sure missed a doozy.
Now, how about Mets' ace Matt Harvey?
Wow, who knew that Matt Harvey requires a barf bag while riding in the car? Now I feel bad for whoever gets stuck sitting next to him on the team bus. This info brings a whole new meaning to the word "hurler," I can tell you that. What can Harvey heave quicker: a fastball or his lunch? Please come up with more terrible and disgusting Matt Harvey vomit-related jokes in the comments.
Everybody loves Bartolo Colon but what does our incredible scouting report tool say about the 41-year-old hurler?
We all witnessed one of Bart's incredible displays of athleticism last week when he picked A.J. Pierzynski off of first base unassisted, but just imagine the hilarity for us and the embarrassment for Colon if his dentures fell out while he was chasing after him! Slow-footed catchers are one thing but foxes are quite literally an entirely different animal and legend has it that dentures are easily lost while chasing them. Luckily, there hasn't been one in MLB since Jake Fox in 2011. Phew!
Next, we checked into Anthony Recker's scouting report and this is what it came up for the veteran backup catcher:
SERIOUSLY? While acknowledging that there are few body parts in the game quite as graceful as Recker's large caboose, an inability to quote Anchorman is quite frankly a non-starter for us. GET OUT. WE ARE THROUGH BECAUSE OF YOUR ACTIONS, YOU SCORPION
Wilmer Flores is the next Mets player to run through the scouting machine:
I did a little digging for all of you and you'll be happy to learn that "Earthworm Jim" is a video game for the Sega Genesis that was released in 1994, when Wilmer Flores was three years old. The game apparently stars an earthworm named Jim who wears a robotic suit and fights evil. Quite frankly, that sounds all sorts of terrible. Anyway, Earthworm Jim is actually faster than Wilmer Flores unless Flores is able to run "Hyper Wilmer Speed," in which he strains every ligament in his legs. Just for kicks, we also were able to acquire a copy of the game. We placed it on the ground and waited for it to run. It was timed as faster than Wilmer Flores. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Our last scouting report is for Mets' outfielder Kirk Nieuwenhuis. What could a scouting report say about the bearded Mets' backup outfielder?
BREAKING!!!!!! You heard it here first, Mets fans. Be sure to credit us (and only us) with that scoop or we will sue you for all you're worth.