Mets Theater - Volume 2

As a Mets Insider with direct access to the New York Mets, I provide you with transcripts of actual events that occur within the organization. In case you missed the first edition, you can revisit it here:

Mets Theater - Volume 1

Volume 2:

Terry Collins: Alrighty, listen up here knuckleheads. We’re in 1st place. That’s dang impressive boys. I’m proud of the way we’ve played so far, but we’ve got a long way to go. Now we’re entering one of toughest stretches in our schedule and we’re gonna need to focus and be on top of our games if we wanna make it to the postseason! Looks like we’re facing Gerrit Cole tonight, that sumabitch is a tough lefty!

Dillon Gee: I think you mean Cole Hamels, skip.

Collins: What? Who’s pitching for us today? I forgot.

Matt Harvey (in a deep grumbling voice): I’m on the mound tonight Coach, the Dark Knight.

Batolo Colon: Tu eres el hero que we all deserve, Senor Knight. I can’t wait to eat the Phillies this weekend.

Micheal Cuddyer: I think you mean "beat" the Phillies, right Bart?

Colon: Uh, no.

Kevin Plawecki: Ok Matt, you wanna go over the game plan again before we take the f-

Harvey (interrupting Kevin in a deep grumbling voice): What did you call me!?

Plawecki: Um, Matt?

Harvey (in a deep grumbling voice): That’s not my name!

Travis d’ Arnaud (whispering in Plawecki’s ear): Oh, I forgot to tell you Harvey likes to pretend he’s Batman on days he pitches. Just go with it. Trust me, just call him Dark Knight.

Plawecki: I said, uh, Hey Dark Knight don’t you wanna go over the Phillies lineup before the game again? You know, I just want to be prepared.

Harvey (In a deep grumbling voice): If that’s what it takes, Kevin. I’m whatever Gotham needs me to be.

Plawecki: O. . .K. . .

Lucas Duda: DUDA SMASH!

Curtis Granderson: I swear it’s like a fuckin’ Comic Book store in this clubhouse sometimes.

Collins: Focus Boys! Let’s get back track. Now, I don’t wanna see you lollygagging around the base-paths this series. The Philadelphia Quakers are not to be taken lightly. That Rollins is always a tough out, and that boy Dale Murphy can hit the ball a mile. I’m sure I don’t have to say anything about Ol’ Micheal Jack Schmidt.

Granderson: Literally none of those players are on the team any more, skip. And Philly hasn’t been called the Quakers since, like, before 1900.

Collins: What? Where are my keys. . .I’m pretty sure l. . .left it. . .next to my. . .life alert. . .ZZZZZ (falls asleep in his chair).

David Wright: Gosh, guys. You know what skip meant. We need to take this series. Start of this stretch on a positive note. I know we can do it! Let’s extend this gosh darn winning st—(bites tongue). Darn, I injured my tongue!

Mets medical staff: Oh boy. That’s another coupla weeks on the DL at least. Let’s go get an MRI on that leg.

Wright: But I bit my tongue.

MMS: You’re right, Captain. Let’s do exploratory surgery on the elbow instead. (Wright is taken away on a wheelchair).

Daniel Murphy: Ok guys. Let’s work hard and do whatever we have to do to win this series. Then let’s work harder to do whatever we have to do to win the next series. Do whatever it takes!
. . .Except, you know, no gay stuff (looks over to Jacob DeGrom).

Jacob DeGrom: Uh, why did you look at me when you said that?

Murphy: I’m not staring at your hair, Jacob!

DeGrom: My hair? I didn’t say anything about my hair.

Cuddyer: Ok guys, enough. We know what we have to do. Let’s go get these Phillies.

::Phillies attendant enters the clubhouse::

Phillies clubhouse attendant: Has anyone seen Cody Asche!? He’s missing.

Entire Mets team together: Bartolo!? Not again.

:: Bartolo Colon regurgitates Cody Ashe from his body like a snake regurgitating prey::

Cody Ashe: Oh my God! What the fuck, man!?

Colon: Lo Siento?

Entire Met’s team together (adoringly): Oh Bartolo! Hahahahaha.

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