It’s Halloween and there are two things that come to mind on this holiday: the first are costumes, which of course come with that annoying little chore of having to figure out what to wear. I’ve always hated coming up with costume ideas. It was easy at a younger age, like the time I went as a police officer. Or when I dressed up as Mike Piazza on another occasion, something I’m sure many young Mets fan in the late 1990’s and early-2000’s also did. As you get older, though, it becomes tougher to choose. For instance, I dressed up as Austin Powers two years in a row, a testament both to how much I loved that movie at the time and how much I hated picking Halloween costumes.
The other thing that comes to mind on Halloween is, of course, candy! Isn’t that the reason for this day? As a kid, tearing through that giant bag of candy to find the best piece of teeth-rotting sugar was the highlight of the night. Why would anyone want to go door-to-door around a dark neighborhood in the freezing cold of late October if the reward of a giant bag of candy wasn’t involved?
Last October, Mets fans had a reward of their own: the privilege of watching the Mets play baseball on Halloween. Okay, it didn’t go very well, but at this point we’d all take a little Mets baseball this Halloween if we could get it. Since that’s not happening, let’s take those two Halloween keys – costumes and candy – and create a little thought exercise. If Mets players dressed up as different types of Halloween candy from your Halloween bag, what kind would they be?
Bartolo Colon – Werther’s Originals
Werther’s aren’t an exciting candy to receive on Halloween but once you get past the “old people candy” stigma, there’s some rationale behind this one. Thanks to their caramel flavor, Werther’s Originals are deceptively good. I’ve eaten multiple Werther’s Originals at a time and they’re much better than you would expect based solely on reputation (I will admit that my grandmother often had Werther’s at her house, which I realize only contributes further to that stigma).
Bartolo Colon, despite his age and his weight, is a deceptively good pitcher and if you just looked him, you might not think that.
Also, Werther’s are round and so is Bartolo.
Noah Syndergaard – Atomic Fireball
Noah Syndergaard throws 100 mph fireballs and Atomic Fireballs are like fire. Do you get the rationale here?
We’ll also accept Red Hots for this one but those kind of suck. Should we also accept Warheads? Remember them? They were so popular in the 90’s. Come to think of it, they’re probably more sour than hot, which seems more like Matt Harvey territory.
Yoenis Cespedes – Full Size 100 Grand Bar
Getting a full size 100 Grand bar in your Halloween bag is like hitting the jackpot. It’s an incredibly rare occurrence and when you get it, all your friends want to steal it from you. They’re just as hungry as you are, maybe even more so! The full size 100 Grand bar might even consider going with your other friends after Halloween. It has a mind of its own after all and it has high profile representation that’s looking to make a splash!
But ultimately, you know that the full size 100 Grand bar belongs with you. You can’t let it go, at least not without absorbing an unfathomable amount of backlash and scorn. It’s painfully obvious to see that it fits best right in the middle of your bag of candy hitting behind Asdrubal Cabrera and playing left field on Opening Day.
Jeurys Familia – Sweet Tarts
Sweet at the beginning, sour at the end. It feels like that’s the story of many a Mets closer and unfortunately it’s been the story of Jeurys Familia the past two seasons. Before you yell at me, naturally much of this narrative was outside of his control but sort of like sucking on a Sweet Tart, we really can’t control when the sweet section ends and the sour part begins.
STOP MAKING ERRORS A**HOLES.
Lucas Duda – Gum
Could there be any other choice? Lucas Duda clearly likes gum.
His mentor Carlos Beltran taught him well.
I hope you have enjoyed chewing gum today.— Carlos Beltran (@carlosbeltran15) July 6, 2012
Jay Bruce – a Reese’s cup with a razor blade in it
On the outside, it looks great. Kids love Reese’s cups on Halloween! Before you can eat your candy, your parents tell you “wait a second, let me examine everything in your bag.” They’d heard stories of this happening in the past and they just want to be extra cautious. Lo and behold, there it was! Some creeper put a sharp metal object inside that delicious Reese’s cup and ruined it. Why would somebody do such a terrible thing?
That’s Jay Bruce.
Curtis Granderson – Swedish Fish
Are Swedish Fish salmon? We know Curtis likes salmon but what is the Salmon Man’s opinion of other fish? We’ll never know. There’s your most tenuous connection of this tenuously connected article. MOVING ON...
Travis d’Arnaud – Mounds
You look in the candy bag and see a red wrapper. “What could it be? Is it a 100 Grand bar? How about a Take 5? Maybe my eyes are playing tricks and it’s some sort of a Kit Kat or a Reese’s?” You’re so excited, there’s so much potential here! You reach in the bag, wrap your fingers around the candy bar, pull it up, and what to your wandering eyes should appear...
A MOUNDS BAR? WHO THE &$&# WANTS COCONUT? Oh, you also dropped it in the street when you pulled it out of the bag and it got run over by a passing car. Bad luck!
Eric Campbell – An apple
Much like getting an apple in your Halloween bag, seeing Eric Campbell on the field for the Mets is a gigantic letdown. You have failed in your Halloween duties if you give out apples on Halloween. Way to ruin the holiday, Mr. Alderson.
James Loney – Candy Corn
Candy Corn is not very Good. James Loney is not very Good. You eat Candy Corn when there’s absolutely nothing else left to eat and you need sugar. You start James Loney when there’s absolutely nobody else left to play and you need a first baseman. You don’t want to eat Candy Corn. You don’t want to start James Loney. But sometimes, the world conspires against you and you have to deal with that bullshit.
Much like James Loney, I don’t think I was stretching very much on that one.