Turn on any postgame show after a hockey game, and between players and coaches alike, you won’t hear a single player’s name. For instance, after a Rangers game, Coach Quinn will approach the podium and say things like “I thought Hankie was fantastic in goal. Foxy got it started for us with a great defensive play that lead to the Bread goal. Quickie had a real solid game for us and what a pass from Buchie to Kreids for the game winner.”
Notice a theme here? Hockey nicknames mostly consist of adding -ie or -y to names. Random “s”-es and puns are also encouraged. With Chris McShane simulating the 2020 season—which you all should be reading—he had taken to calling Steven Matz “Matzy,” and let me tell you, it is very satisfying yelling at the screen, “You’re killing me, Matzy, baby” or after a big strikeout to end the inning, “oh hell yes, Strosie!”
So with the help of some of the Amazin’ Avenue staff here are the nicknames the Mets players would have had they chosen a different sports profession.
Jacob deGrom: “Jakey.” Sometimes last names just don’t lend themselves to the formula of hockey nicknames so that’s when first names will do.
Steven Matz: “Matzy.”
Rick Porcello: “Porchie” or “Porcie.” Both are acceptable.
Marcus Stroman: “Strosie”. Grammatically it’s rare having three vowels in a row, but putting that aside Stroie just don’t sound as good as “Strosie”.
Noah Syndergaard: “Hammer.” Thor is obviously a good nickname but let’s be real. If Syndergaard played hockey he would absolutely be an enforcer who would gladly meet the opponent, perhaps not 60 feet 6 inches away, but more like just six inches away. Hammer would just be a cool nickname to reflect that.
Michael Wacha: “Wachs”. With the hard -ch sound at the end of the name only a “s” would do here but really there is no rhyme or reason to these nicknames. They just are.
Brad Brach: “Sweets.” This is obviously a pun on his last name which also happens to be a candy company but you still got to add the “s.” I don’t make the rules.
Edwin Diaz: “Eddie.” The deGrom rule applies here.
Robert Gsellman: “Smoky.” Because he smokes the competition. What were you thinking?
Seth Lugo: “Loogy.” Lugo is not, in fact, the LOOGY but he is “Loogy.” Those are the rules.
Justin Wilson: “Lefty.” Someone was always going to be lefty and with his name not really fitting the formula “Lefty” it is.
Pete Alonso: “Petey.” See deGrom, Jacob.
Robinson Cano: “Smoothie.” From his swing to everything he does on the field, everything Cano does is just so smooth.
Michael Conforto: “Forty.” Anytime you can make an actual word out of a nickname, you do it.
J.D. Davis: “J.D.” Sorry J.D. Initials are acceptable in hockey so it already is what it’s going to be.
Jeff McNeil: “Jeffy.” Again self explanatory.
Brandon Nimmo: “Nims.” Similar situation to the Stroman rule. With the name ending in a vowel you can’t add another vowel sound.
Wilson Ramos: “Buff.” It’s hard to improve upon perfection which the “Buffalo” nickname is so shortening it to “Buff” also seems apt.
Amed Rosario: “Rosie.” This is already Rosario’s nickname and it’s perfect.
Matt Adams: “Matty.” No “Matty Ice” like Matt Ryan or “Patty Ice” like Patrick Corbin. Just Matty. We might but unimaginative but we aren’t copycats.
Yoenis Cespedes: “Cespy.” Cespedes was already ahead of the game with the “Cespy” nickname.
Luis Guillorme: “Louie.” This might have been obvious but it’s not for the reasons you think. He is most known for the bat catch that saved Nims from harm and who makes the bats? Louisville Slugger, hence “Louie.”
Jed Lowrie: “Ghost.” This might seem harsh but Ghost was totally awesome in Game of Thrones. Ok it’s a little mean.
Jake Marisnick: “Hefty.” Not everyone is going to like their nicknames and unfortunately for Marisnick that is going to be the case here. We couldn’t think of a known garbage can brand for his time spent with the Astros so we went with a trash bag instead. Sorry Jake.
Dominic Smith: “Smitty.” There is but one option here.